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Eberron campaign

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A campaign set in Eberron, a sort of noir/steampunk fantasy world. Alan, the Dungeon Master, began with the three sample adventures published in the main sourcebook, linked with interstitial adventures of his own devising. We have since progressed into all original adventures, mostly for our patron Lady Eladrin of House Cannith.


'Alohilani
Reaper 2961: Angel of Shadow Reaper 2961: Angel of Shadow
Daughter of a Radiant Idol, the race of fallen angels who live in Sharn after having been banned from their home plane. Unlike her flightless parent, the half-celestial 'Alohilani has wings and can fly.
2961: Angel of Shadow [modified]
CLAVDIVS IVNIVS
Reaper 61022: Jiunan Reaper 61022: Jiunan
A none-too-bright shifter named after an inscription on an ancient monument near his birthplace (yes, he writes his name in all capitals and pronounces the V's). He fled said birthplace, the Shadow Marches, when cultists of the Dragon Below killed his clan.
61022: Jiunan, Hunter of the Dead
Nukumal: killed after 15 sessions and resurrected
Reaper 2533: Toshiro Reaper 2533: Toshiro
A kalashtar soulknife swordsage.
2533: Toshiro, Male Ronin
Ulf Råg
Reaper 2640: Harn Helmsunder Reaper 2640: Harn Helmsunder
A dragon shaman from Argonnessen, the land of tropical, dragon-worshiping Vikings. He picked up some magical hide armor that turns him into a bear, because every fight needs a mindlessly rampaging bear.
2640: Harn Helmsunder
Uthar d'Luhran
Reaper 2465: Black Legionnaire Reaper 2465: Black Legionnaire
A member of house Orien and the only dragonmarked party member. A ranger/rogue/urban explorer/who-knows-what-else whose favored enemy is humans. After graduating from Karrnath's Reckenmark Academy he has been loafing around adventuring instead of entering the family business. In Xen'drik he found a powerful artifact, a giant's tooth, which he's set in his mouth (it shrank part of the way to fit). Unfortunately he can't activate it without killing half the party.
2465: Black Legionnaire [modified]


K.I.A.

Scovel: survived x sessions
Reaper 2692: Tolan Reaper 2692: Tolan
A druid with augmented summoning. He was killed by a very, very powerful vampire. It's a miracle no one else was.
2692: Tolan, Male Druid
Bruno von Mudra: survived 6 sessions
Reaper 2569: Vlad
A Karrnathi siege engineer and cleric. Despite house rules that a character can't die while his player is absent from a session, he was squished so thoroughly by a warforged titan there was no way to get around it.
2569: Vlad, Evil Cleric
Solamal: survived x sessions
Reaper 2732: Kazumi Reaper 2732: Kazumi
An enigmatic kalashtar monk. Died during the Battle of Whispering Rock as the only PC engaged in melee combat with some big nasty things.
2732: Kazumi, Male Monk
Artax Magellen: survived x sessions
Reaper 2343: Drake Whiteraven Reaper 2343: Drake Whiteraven
A secretive elf wizard. In his homeland of Arenal he witnessed something he wasn't supposed to and had his mind forcibly wiped. However this wasn't enough for the Undying Court, Arenal's ruling body of powerful undead elves, and he has been on the run from their assassins ever since. He turned invisible and was killed when Uthar activated his word of chaos-casting Giant tooth for the first time.
2343: Drake Whiteraven [modified]
Halgreek "Frostcloud" Jirobsec: survived 8 sessions
Reaper 2861: Abram Duskwalker Reaper 2861: Abram Duskwalker
This arcane researcher is an Illumian, a race that lives to multiclass. He wears a broad-brimmed hat to conceal the glowing runes which float around his head. Ironically he was killed by a rune as well.
2861: Abram Duskwalker [modified]



Famous Last Words


Jon (Solamal): Vampires don't have constitution, so they have shitty fortitude saves, right?
Alan (DM): They do in fact have poor fortitude saves.
Jon (Solamal): So I could give him a Cloak of Poisonousness and it would probably just kill him when he put it on.
Alan (DM): Vampires are also immune to poison.
Jon (Solamal): Well, it costs 62,000 GP so vampires are also immune to expensive things.

John (Uthar): Do I want a horse, or be able to dimension door?
Jon (Solamal): It depends. How many times a day?
John (Uthar): The dimension door? Once a day. The horse, I suppose, is only once a day. But it lasts for an hour.
Jon (Solamal): Ah, because it would suck if the horse was also instantaneous.
Alan (DM): Hey! I've got a horse! Crap! It went away!

Alan (DM): So you're saying you want to either be the only survivor, or the first one to die?
John (Uthar): I guess that's what it's coming down to...

John (Uthar): Ah, I can take other people with when I dimension door.
Jon (Solamal): You can also take other people with on a horse.
János (CLAVDIVS): DON'T ARGUE FOR THE HORSE!

Gordon (Scovel): Did he just walk through the wall or something?
Jon (Solamal): No, he just burst it wide open. He's Kool-Ade Man, Most Devoted Follower of the Lord of Blades!

Alan (DM): Those of you who make your listen checks make out him yelling, "I am Scimitar! Most devoted follower of the Lord of Blades! Surrender the Schema!"
Jon (Solamal): Goddammit! We don't have it! You're in the wrong adventure!

Gordon (Scovel): I do xx points of damage, which does penetrate damage reduction.
Jon (Solamal): Yeah, so does your mother.
Gordon (Scovel): Yes, yes she does.
Jon (Solamal): DR 2/Your Mother.

Alan (DM): This has to get dealt with confusingly, so we're gonna go a bit back in time for a while here.
János & Jon (singing): "Gonna go back in time!"

Gordon (Scovel): So I turn into a cheetah and run him down and die. Alone.
John (Uthar): Welcome to my life.

Jon (Solamal): You see, potions have to be activated by digestive enzymes. So Warforged can do it because they have digestive enzymes. Of course they do.
John (Uthar): But skeletons can use them.
Jon (Solamal): Skeletons can drink potions?
John (Uthar): Yes.
Jon (Solamal): Well, obviously skeletons must have digestive enzymes. ...Ethereal digestive enzymes.
John (Uthar): Ooh, that's good.

Alan (DM): The block text says "night" there. Why would they think you would do this at night? Are you idiots?

Gordon (Scovel): They really just bite you to death.
Jon (Solamal): That's lame. Oh, sorry, János.

Alan (DM): He tries a fear moan. It's sort of like a Deermon.

Jon (Solamal): Your mother's a whore.
Gordon (Scovel): Yeah, but what does that have to do with me avoiding combat?
John (Uthar): DON'T BAIT HIM! We are trying to game here.

Alan (DM): Would you like to make a Knowledge: Arcana check?
Doc (Artax): Would I ever!

Gordon (Scovel): Does he have metal armor?
Alan (DM): No.
Gordon (Scovel): So he doesn't have any metal on him?
Doc (Artax): He's naked.
János (CLAVDIVS): With one glove.
Jon (Solamal): A rubber glove.
Alan (DM): He looks like the sort of fellow who is unusually nimble and lithe, and thus should have been able to dodge that fireball say, seventy-five percent of the time.
Jon (Solamal): So he looks like Michael Jackson on the set of a bad Pepsi commercial?
Doc (Artax): Yes, that Pepsi commercial!

János (CLAVDIVS): Should I run away now or just go ahead and die?
Alan (DM): Go ahead and fight him. At this point, we're already going to have to have a talk about how we intend to continue the game.
Doc (Artax): No, at this point we're going to have to have a talk about how we're NEVER going to do this again. And it's a talk WE have to have with YOU.
Alan (DM): "It's a fantasy name! Of course there's a fucking apostrophe!"

Doc (Artax): Everyone gets up from prone as a free action, except for me who takes an attack of opportunity on John!

John (Uthar): I mean, come on, we get together every two weeks just so we can disagree about this!
Gordon (von Mudra): No, we disagree about different things.
Jon (Solamal): We get together every two weeks to disagree about what orientation the submarine is facing?

Gordon (von Mudra): What do you mean I can't take a Knowledge: Religions about the shark?
Jon (Solamal): A big fucking shark is about to eat the ship. Also, it is of great religious significance to the people of the Lower East Side. And Cabrini Green.
Gordon (von Mudra): Why Cabrini Green?
Jon (Solamal): Why the Lower East Side?

Alan (DM) (to John): Where did János go and where did you get that die?!?
Jon (Solamal): Oh my God, that's the most disgusting thing I've heard all day!

Jon (Solamal): Those aren't our gnomes, those are gnome pirates. Which are like ass-pirates, just they fuck you up the gnome instead of fucking you up the ass.

Gordon (von Mudra): What did the Mayans call it? When they threw people in the sinkhole?
Alan (DM): Thursday.
John (Uthar): They spelled with an x, though.

Alan (DM): You see, the important part of this spell is that you have to berate the target for the sins committed against your god. Not that it matters if they worship your god, or speak the same language, or speak any language at all.
Doc (Artax): "Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee, motherfucker!"

Doc (Artax): This isn't Brokeback Submarine. I CAN quit you.

Jon (Solamal): We're going on safari? I need to get a hat!

Jon (Solamal): I'm gonna go buy a hat. Do they have DDT in this universe?
Gordon (von Mudra): I have spells for that.
Doc (Artax): They also cause cancer.

Alan (DM): Actually, the map says, "When you see the hands of God reach the sky, turn right," or something like that.
John (Uthar): Exactly: "fourth ruin on the left."

Gordon (von Mudra): My olfactory hallucinations are none of your business.
Doc (Artax): If you do something, and suddenly the whole room smells like cinnamon buns, I'm gonna be pissed.

Gordon (von Mudra): She's the angel Moroni?
Jon (Solamal): "I need to speak to you on a matter of great importance. I need you to dig up some steel plates."
Gordon (von Mudra): Gold. Gold plates.
Jon (Solamal): Your mother's a whore.

Alan (DM): The prophecy does not speak of "good" and "evil."
Doc (Artax): ...so much as the "law of causation."

Jon (Solamal): Damn, the disambiguation page on Wikipedia for "Joseph Smith" is HUGE.

Alan (DM): They don't really go into mosquito netting so much around here, because the stirges eat all the mosquitos.
Jon (Solamal): And what about--
Alan (DM): --and there's no such thing as "stirge netting."
Doc (Artax): It's more of a "stirge-chain-link-fence".

Jon (Solamal): "And this was the contract that was given to those who were prophesied to retrieve the final schema..."
Doc (Artax): "And this is the rider that was attached to the seventh line of the form sent by the Accountants of the Seven Hounds..."

Jon (Solamal): I thought it was always pretty clear that we weren't working for House Cannith, but rather as independent contractors. That's why we call the party "Halliburton," after all...

Jon (Solamal): Get a receipt. If she doesn't want it, I'll take it.
Gordon (von Mudra): I'm ignoring the greedy monk.
Jon (Solamal): Hey, those orphans need food! And a new pair of shoes.

Alan (DM): I don't know, you can look up what happens if you bind an air elemental to your crap.
Jon (Solamal): To my crap?
Gordon (von Mudra): Flying shit! Flying shit!

Alan (DM): As we all know, elves only menstruate once every seven years.
Gordon (von Mudra): Oh my god, how long does it last?
Alan (DM): But also, elves do it better, just like everything else.
Doc (Artax): Oh, is that in the Complete Elves Handbook?

János (CLAVDIVS): So can you show us where we're going on a map?
Alan (DM): Sure, but I have an ass map. And not a cool ass map, like in Three Kings, but just an ass map.

Gordon (von Mudra): I think with elves, since they live so long, they just cut off a piece for dinner, and then let them regenerate.
Jon (Solamal): It takes an elf to feed a village?

Alan (DM): But elves don't sleep... they trance.
Jon (Solamal): Yeah, I know, I know, they're rave kids.
Gordon (von Mudra): WHAT did you say?
Jon (Solamal): They're rave kids. They don't sleep, they trance... BECAUSE THEY'RE ON E.

Gordon (Scovel): We've gone from boredom to paranoia.
Jon (Solamal): That's why we're all standing in a two-dimensional plane perfectly placed for an area effect spell. Because we're paranoid.

Alan (DM): Chincero pulls out his hand-and-a-half sword... and misses. But he does so competently.

Alan (DM): You see a flickering light off in the distance, which looks like it could be generated by a torch.
Jon (Solamal): Or, perhaps, by a glowing giant monkey.

Doc (Artax): I think Detect Serial Rapist is a zeroth level spell.

Jon (Solamal): Is gaseous form flammable?
Doc (Artax): That would be STUPID.
Alan (DM): What kind of question is that?

Gordon (von Mudra): Gaseous form does NOTHING for you. All it does is give you damage reduction, the ability to fly, and the ability to go through holes.

Jon (Solamal): What the FUCK IS THAT?
János (CLAVDIVS): It's... a glowing green monkey?

Jon (Solamal): If this interaction consists entirely of being woken up in the middle of the night by drums, a hag trying to do something horrible to Gordon, and then it stops and we leave, I'm gonna laugh my ass off.
János (CLAVDIVS): So a stranger comes town, touches nobody's lives, and leaves.

Alan (DM): Oh, are you so glad you got a 19...
Jon (Solamal): Because at 18 and a half, you'd be dead.

Gordon (von Mudra): I think nagas are always female. Are nagas ever male?
Jon (Solamal): Well, they have to reproduce somehow.
Gordon (von Mudra): You'd think so, wouldn't you?
Doc (Artax): No, Jon. They're celibate. Just like their fathers and forefathers before them.

Alan (DM): What does the naga do?
Jon (Solamal): He dies in a fire.
Doc (Artax): He gets on a plane.

Alan (DM): The snake says, "I agree with you... ARRRGGHH!"
Doc (Artax): "You make a very compelling BLLEECCHHH!"

Alan (as NPC): "We may be members of the Emerald Claw, but we're realists."
Jon (Solamal): I didn't think they let in realists.
Doc (Artax): Only surrealists.

Jon (Solamal): So after you curse the vampire, DRINK THE POTION of remove curse.
János (CLAVDIVS): So after he curses the vampire, the vampire doesn't kill him...
Jon (Solamal): ...and drink the potion.
Doc (Artax): And become a real boy again!

Gordon (von Mudra): And he somehow made an unholy amount of mist.
Doc (Artax): It's a first level spell. For ALL SPELLCASTERS.

Alan (DM): And then he suddenly appeared and said, "Now that you have recovered the schema... ...with your 14 wolf friends. Oh, shit.'

Alan (DM): Most of them are giant stairs, but there are human sized stairs on the right.
Gordon (von Mudra): For their drow slaves?
Jon (Solamal): So who built this, anyway?
Alan (DM): Giants.
Gordon (von Mudra): With drow slaves.

Alan (DM): I didn't mention this before, but there's a bunch of dead drow, Emerald Claw soldiers, and skeletons on the front stairs.
John (Uthar): Who killed them?
Alan (DM): Emerald Claw soldiers and skeletons, or drow, respectively.

Gordon (von Mudra): But Garrow's CR 11, so he can kill a drow a round.
John (Uthar): I love how you develop such an atmosphere with your...
Alan (DM): "...CR 11?" "Drow a round"? Actually, I would say that he is so mighty that he can slay many drow with but a mere glance. Approximately, say, one every six seconds. He has a stopwatch, and times himself for practice.

Gordon (von Mudra): What was that noise?
John (Uthar): It came from the tunnels.
Gordon (von Mudra): No, in the real world.
John (Uthar): Yeah, I know. It came from the tunnels.

Doc (Artax): "Fuck art let's kill. Fuck killing let's fuck. Fuck fucking let's make art." You know? That's still awesome.

Gordon (von Mudra): That's a lot of rats.
Alan (DM): Ahem. "THAT'S A LOT OF RATS!".

Gordon (von Mudra): I cast immense cat.
Doc (Artax): That's not a spell.
Gordon (von Mudra): Shh!
Doc (Artax): You cast immense growth. What?

Doc (Artax): The druid... The druid...
Jon (Solamal): --the druid's on fire?

John (Uthar): Are they male or female?
Alan (DM): They are mixed genders.
Doc (Artax): They're hermaphrodites.
Gordon (von Mudra): Two have breasts, and one doesn't.

Alan (DM): This drow is scarier than his friends.
Gordon (von Mudra): He has a name on it. Bobby? Big boy?
Jon (Solamal): He's a member of Outkast?
Doc (Artax): Actually, he's wearing a big medallion that says "Ghostface Killah" on it.

Jon (Solamal): So we're decided that we're going to ignore the giant scorpion and move on?
John (Uthar): Yup.
Jon (Solamal): Right. So let's do it before Gordon gets off the phone and starts arguing with us.

Alan (DM): Yes, everyone's done something. Except John.
John (Uthar): Hey. What do you mean?
Alan (DM): I don't know.

Alan (DM): Yes, we only have a different counter because we needed a different one last time. But somebody probably is in charge, and it's probably him. But that's just because somebody else said, "Tell them what to do."
Mal: "YOU! Get me some booze! YOU! Get me some cigarettes!"

Jon (Solamal): Alan, did you just say that in the real world, you don't have that problem where you can't walk up walls if your feet are wet?
Alan (DM): For the purposes of these five hours, this is the real world.

Gordon (von Mudra): Pelvic girdle? That sounds dirty.
Jon (Solamal): You might know it as the hip bone.
Alan (DM): I hear that's connected to something.
Jon (Solamal): The hip bone's connected to the post-anal tail. Now hear the word of the LORD.

János (CLAVDIVS): I missed hitting the skeleton.
Gordon (von Mudra): The skellington?
Jon (Solamal): He missed hitting Duke Ellington.

Jon (Solamal): I could cure a moderate wound.
Doc (Artax): I'll cure your moderate wounds.
John (Uthar): Your mom cures moderate wounds.

Alan (DM): Clearly, the author of these notes, whoever they may be--by the name of Arkaban--was trying to decipher these runes...

Alan (DM): What terrible block text. "This room seems empty, like so many others on this level."

Alan (DM): Guess who gets to act in the surprise round?
Doc (Artax): The invisible colossal scorpion?
Alan (DM): John!
Jon (Solamal): John is an invisible colossal scorpion?

Alan (DM): Doc, roll a decipher script check.
Doc (Artax): What? Uh... 19.
Alan (DM): It says, "Braaaiiinnnssss..." in ancient Xen'drik.

Jon (Solamal): How do you spell "zen-drick"?
Alan (DM): X-E-N-apostrophe-D-R-I-K.
Jon (Solamal): I hate fantasy universes.

Doc (Artax): You have evasion, so when I cast "shout" you'll be able to dodge it right?
Jon (Solamal): Yeah. These are the things that I sing about.
Doc (Artax): Come on. I'm talking to YOU. COME ON.

Jon *browsing Wikipedia*: Hey! Gary Gygax wrote Isle of the Ape. An adventure that involves a monster with the ass of an ape and the head... of an ape.

Alan (DM): You hear snoring.
Jon (Solamal): Does it sound like snoring through fangs?

Alan (DM): Okay, so this room is supposed to be 40 x 60. Make it.
Alan (DM): ...the pit trap then launches you out into empty space, 150 feet above the ground. Fortunately, it takes you exactly one round to fall 150 feet, so you can take an action.
John (Uthar): I teleport back to where I was.
Alan (DM): Okay. You teleport into a pit trap, falling down a chute...

Jon (Solamal): How many hit points do you have?
John (Uthar): 33.
Jon (Solamal): Why don't you have him heal you before you go in?
John (Uthar): I'M NOT HURT.

Alan (DM): Uthar hears the ever so faint strains of conversation. From humans.
Jon (Solamal): Oh, hey, we can kill it!
John (Uthar): I listen to their soft, squishy, vulnerable anatomy.

Gordon (von Mudra): So putting the round counter at the end makes baby Jesus--who is Alan--cry?
Jon (Solamal): Baby Jesus is Jewish, Alan is Jewish. Have you ever seen them in the same place at the same time?
Gordon (von Mudra): Yes. I mean, is there any other way to answer that?

Doc (Artax): In the eternal words of Robert Oppenheimer, "I am become Sex, Enjoyer of Girls."
Doc (Artax): There comes a point where the most efficient way to demolish something is to cover it in explosive runes and summon something to come read it.
John (Uthar): "Summon mechanical advantage."

Jon (Solamal): Hey! We found my chair!
Gordon (von Mudra): Yeah, and you can sit in it with eighty girls.
Jon (Solamal): That's why it's my chair.

Alan (DM): ...and at the left, is a throne for a titan--
Jon (Solamal): --specifically, me.

Jon (Solamal): What kind of undead is a "rotund female in simple work clothes?"
Alan (DM): There are rules for joining a grapple.
Jon (Solamal): "Join the grapple! I can provide the army!"

Gordon (von Mudra): This fight is going oddly.
Alan (DM): These fights ALWAYS go oddly!
Jon (Solamal): We're fighting an invisible, transvestite warforged. That's a bit more odd than usual.

Alan (DM): Finally, I rolled something reasonable. I mean, not good, but--
Doc (Artax): Twenty-Five.
Alan (DM): You win.

Alan (DM): The question is, can you do twice as much damage as he can heal in a round?
Doc (Artax): 33.
Alan (DM): The answer is, "yes!" KA-BOOM!

Alan (DM): The first thing everybody notices is, Garrow no longer looks like a vampire.
Gordon (Scovel): Huh?
Alan (DM): Garrow was a changeling.
Gordon (von Mudra): And a corpse.
Jon (Solamal): Garrow was a dead changeling.
Alan (DM): There's a door to boring.
John (Uthar): A door to boring and valuable?
Alan (DM): No, a door to boring. That's all I'm going to see.

John (Uthar): Can you summon an animal?
Jon (Solamal): Blip in, release an animal, blip out, listen to what kind of horribly bloody scream it emits?

John (Uthar): It's the badassest dire animal... that doesn't swim.

Jon (Solamal): Wait, the colossal scorpion is a researcher?
John (Uthar): Of course! Why didn't we think of that!

Alan (DM): So if there had really been a vampire, and it was still day, he still would have been safe. And the Sistine Chapel would have been painted twice as fast by lesbian vampires.
Jon (Solamal): I think we're done with our adventures with New Math here.

Alan (DM): They don't give me a description of this room, they just tell me what's in it? Wankers.
Jon (Solamal): You could just make up a description. That's sort of your job.

John (Uthar): The chest isn't locked, is it? Come on.
Alan (DM): Yeah, it is.
Doc (Artax): So let's go ahead and open it with the axe, then.
Jon (Solamal): It's either that or have Uthar teleport into the chest, and I don't think he's gonna go along with that.

Alan (DM): You can collect the goblets, cups, and items of privilege, and probably sell them later.
John (Uthar) *reciting while writing list* "Goblets... cups... items of privilege... from same room."

Alan (DM): So give me the map. Because you know what these rooms are? Empty and boring.
Jon (Solamal): "This one is empty. This one is boring. Neither is both."
Doc (Artax): "This one, on the other hand, is both empty AND boring. And this room is drunk, and cares.

Doc (Artax): Yeah, I have a fantasy name grammar checker in my head. Yeah, that has enough consonants, needs more apostrophes, but that's good enough.

John (Uthar): Are the stairs stone? Or iron? Or--
Alan (DM): The stairs are... stone and iron.
Jon (Solamal): They're BOTH.
Doc (Artax): We call it "styron."

Jon (Solamal): So someday we're going to fight the Lord of Blades, and he's not going to have any weapons, because they're all checked out.
Alan (DM): Actually, he's covered in blades. He has bladed armor.
Jon (Solamal): So is his name "Bladed Armor"?
Alan (DM): No, his name is "The Lord of Blades."
Jon (Solamal): "Hello, my name is the Lord of Blades, the most devoted follower of the Lord of Blades, which is me."

Alan (DM): Who knows why the spiders are there? They eat drow corpses.
Doc (Artax): They also MAKE drow corpses.
Jon (Solamal): They use some flour, some sugar, some milk, start to stir...
János (CLAVDIVS): No, they mold them out of clay and then breath life into them.

Jon (Solamal): You see, elves get confused, but they don't get confused like mortals do.

Alan (DM): I should look up how many hit points she has left. She hasn't taken damage yet.
Jon (Solamal): Ever?
Alan (DM): Yeah. Well, since you met her.

Alan (DM): I suppose you want to fight the apes, too.
John (Uthar): The apes would tear us apart.
Jon & Alan (singing): Apes/Apes will tear us apart/Again

Jon (Solamal): 'Oolf Rah?' Now that sounds like a fantasy name!
Gordon (Ulf Råg): It's not. It's Norwegian.
Jon (Solamal): I don't care. It SOUNDS like a fantasy name.

Doc (Artax): Is it magic?
Alan (DM): Do you cast detect magic? Because I'll give you a hint: YOU'RE IN A POCKET DIMENSION.
Doc (Artax): Um... no.

Doc (Artax): Okay, I'm gonna try to--OH MY GOD, I'M NOT GONNA TRY THAT. I'm gonna hit him with a magic missile.

Gordon (Ulf): Sure, he's regenerating, but get him negative so we can figure out what hurts him.
Jon (Solamal): If his secret weakness is kicks in the nads, then I'm totally set.

Gordon (Ulf): We're halfway through the swastika and it's only 3:00. Alan, you have something to prepare for us, right?
Jon (Solamal): When we have to fight off the entire Nazi army, that'll take us awhile.
Alan (DM): Maybe I'll just stall for time.
Gordon (Ulf): You mean talk slower?
Alan (DM): Yeah. The... next... room... you... enter...

Jon (Solamal): So the whole point of the Seder is to lie to God?
Alan (DM): No, the whole point of the Seder is to lie to YOUR KIDS and tell them that Elijah drank the FUCKING WINE!

Alan (DM): And when he rages, he breathes acid HARDER.

Alan (DM): I want you to make a reflex save.
Jon (Solamal): 24.
Alan (DM): Okay, you are not engulfed in an ectoplasmic cocoon.
Jon (Solamal): WHAT THE FUCK IS AN "ECTOPLASMIC COCOON"???

Gordon (Ulf): You have evasion, right?
Jon (Solamal): Yeah.
Gordon (Ulf): Make a reflex save.
Jon (Solamal): I'm gonna die.

Alan (DM): "Well, friend, you've come to just the right place... we have entire departments devoted to just this sort of thing.
Jon (Solamal): GIANT TEETH FROM XEN'DRIK?

Gordon (Ulf): Did you make another shitty NPC?
Alan (DM): Just wait until you see what levels he has!
Gordon (Ulf): Oh, he's got Bard class levels...
Alan (DM): RUINING THE SURPRISE!

Alan (DM): Wow! He hits! I made a competent NPC by mistake!
John (Uthar): What level are we?
Alan (DM): Eighth. Tell me you didn't forget to level.
John (Uthar): No, I remembered to level up, I just forgot to erase the note that says, "level up."
Alan (DM): That's a dangerous cycle to get into.
Jon (Solamal): Yeah, I've been having that problem for weeks. Fortunately, now that I'm thirteenth level, I can't miss.

Alan (DM): She has a pick out.
János (CLAVDIVS): She's a bard too
Alan (DM): Huh?
János (CLAVDIVS): Oh... not a guitar pick.

Alan (DM): Elves have heart attacks... and get better from them.

Gordon (Ulf): I check if she's dead.
Alan (DM): Oh yes. She's dead out the wazoo.
Jon (Solamal): "Dead out the wazoo?"

Alan (DM): Someone was clearly thinking, "They're vikings... in the tropics!" so far as their one sentence pitch goes. Like "Halfling... with dinosaurs!"
Doc (Artax): "Elves... with their dead relatives!"
Jon (Solamal): "Elves... only better!

Jon (Solamal): So we have three weeks to save the world? We can do that. All we need is a leaky boat.

John (Uthar): Is it in Droaam?
Alan (DM): It's in Haka'torvhak.
John (Uthar): That sounds worse.

Alan (DM): Words that end in /ak/ without a 'C' are evil. 'Quack': perfectly normal word. 'Flak': evil.

John (Uthar): Hey, so we get half the money from fights we don't even have to be in!

Doc (Artax): Where the hell is it in this book?
Alan (DM): Under 'Q'.
Doc (Artax): It starts with a 'Q'? Jesus Christ!
Jon (Solamal): I'm with Disco on this one.

Alan (DM): He has two 'A's in his name!
Jon (Solamal): Total or consecutive?
Alan (DM): Uh.. 3 total.
Jon (Solamal): *wanking motions*

Gordon (Ulf): So, would you rather have acid resistance or be able to see things better?
Alan (as NPC): You know? No one's ever asked me that before.

Gordon (Ulf): ...but I'm not a good person like you, Alan.
Jon (Solamal): No, you're a bad person. Like Hitler.

Jon (Solamal): Throw your javelins at me, hose beasts of DOOM! I dare you!
John (Uthar): I think the hose beast of doom is the digester.

Alan (DM): Are trolls #1, 3, and 4 in melee with someone? Who could that be? Is it Mal? I think it is!
Jon (Solamal): No. It's Gordon, I swear.
Gordon (Ulf): It's troll #2! Troll #2!

János (CLAVDIVS): Now they're all gonna whale on me!
Jon (Solamal): Well, that's what you get for being the party whaler. Which is illegal, I might add!

Gordon (Ulf): It's not dead yet.
Doc (Artax): We can fix that.
Jon (Solamal): Make it better, stronger, deader.
John (Uthar): "Putting the romance back in necromancer."

János (CLAVDIVS): I smack my bitch up. Oh, smeg.
Doc (Artax): You failed to roll with Prodigy.

Alan (DM): Kessler explains that those are charms [the lizardmen we killed] are given to protect them from ill-fortune...
Jon (Solamal): They don't work.
Alan (DM): ...that don't work, yes.

Doc (Artax): Dawn of the third day...
János (CLAVDIVS): *laughs*
John (Uthar): Hey, you laughed this time!
János (CLAVDIVS): It's funny this time!

Alan (DM): Since that fateful day with Mr. Teabagger...

Jon: Oh, hey. What are we fighting?
Alan (DM): No-no-no: the question is, what are you fighting this time?

Alan (DM): János, the spike deals you ten points of damage.
János (CLAVDIVS): That's spikier than last time!

Doc (Artax): Well, there are a lot of unintelligent fighty undead.
Jon (Solamal): Like vampires? They're not all that bright.

Doc (Artax): I missed your funny.
Alan (DM): Oh, well.
Jon (Solamal): I bet it involved poopie.
Alan (DM): It didn't.
Jon (Solamal): Which is why I'm glad no one took me up on that bet.
Alan (DM): You know, there's a reason for that...

John (Uthar): Well, these might be the friendly ones.
Alan (DM): Except they're the wrong size. And, in the surprise round, all 13 of them fire bows at you.
Jon (Solamal): But their aim sucks, so it might just be a ceremonial thing and couple of them happened to hit members of the party by accident.

Alan (DM): Two of them are obviously cooler than the rest.
Jon (Solamal): Really? Which two?
Alan (DM): They're lettered instead of numbered.
John (Uthar): "X" and "Y".
Jon (Solamal): Male and female. We're being attacked by gametes.
János (CLAVDIVS): Horizontal and vertical.
Doc (Artax): Abscissa and ordinate.

Jon (Solamal): Oh, hey! There's a path! Do we move normally on the path?
Alan (DM): Yes. In fact, that's why you were on the path in the first place.
Jon (Solamal): And now that I've strayed from the path, I'll get lost in fairy world.

Alan (DM): Even if they're getting killed, they still have to fight the infidels. Just because the infidels are more powerful than you, doesn't make them right!
Jon (Solamal): Actually: technically, it does.

Alan (DM): It's a... DIRE BOAR!
Doc (Artax): And another one, which will suddenly appear somewhere.
Jon (Solamal): It's a... MATED PAIR!
Doc (Artax): And...?
Jon (Solamal): It's a... MATED THREESOME!
Alan (DM): And their... COUSIN WHO'S VISITING FOR THE WEEKEND!

Jon (Solamal): Why can't he guide us from the middle of the party? "You... over there! Now go over there!"
Alan (DM): He's... trailblazing. He's cutting things out of the way.
Jon (Solamal): Unfortunately, not boars.

János (CLAVDIVS): Combat's always better with bacon.
Doc (Artax): You know, when this fight's over, you guys are so gonna love this boar. Just wait until I hit it with my basil ray.
János (CLAVDIVS): Oh, no, it's getting away! I guess there IS no such thing as a free lunch.

Alan (DM): So who did more damage to boar #3?
John (Uthar): I did eight points.
Jon (Solamal): I did seven.
Alan (DM): I guess that answers that...

Alan (DM): Splooge!
Doc (Artax): Eeewwww!
John (Uthar): Neato!

Jon (Solamal): Dawn of yet another fucking day...

Alan (DM): Artax, you trip on a rock and recognize it.

John (Uthar): It's like, nails are already sharp, what's the point of having sharp bricks?
Jon (Solamal): They'll go in better!

Alan (DM): He could rage.
John (Uthar): Well, he could, but he'll save it in case he fights something else today, even though it's statistically unlikely.
Alan (DM): Well, there could be something else, but these guys already killed it.
Jon (Solamal): In which case, he wouldn't need to rage regardless.

Doc (Artax): See, at the point where all you know is it's a wand, and it's conjuration, you point it at your wound and there's a celestial bison on your arm!

Jon (Solamal): I'm gonna hold my action.
János (CLAVDIVS): I'm gonna hold my wang.
Doc (Artax): I'm gonna hold my wang action.

Alan (DM): So, you're grappling with a wyvern, eh?
Jon (Solamal): "Eh"?
Alan (DM): It's a Canadian wyvern.
Jon (Solamal): "You hoser, you're totally grappling with a wyvern, you knob, eh."

Jon (Solamal): You know, you can heal if you're below half your hit points.
János (CLAVDIVS): Uh... I'm not hurt.
Jon (Solamal): Fucker.

Alan (DM): Your aim is sure and true, but your arrow bounces off its scaly hide.
János (CLAVDIVS): Okay, I pack everything up and go home.

Doc (Artax): Did you just say "seventy places it could pee"?
Jon (Solamal): "SO MANY PLACES IT COULD BE!" What the fuck is wrong with you?
Doc (Artax): A whole lot of shit, man.

Jon (Solamal): "The Jews are going to hate you in this neighorhood"?
Gordon (Ulf): DRUIDS! DRUIDS!

Alan (DM): ...There's also an earthquake, but it's really just one of those dramatic just-for-show earthquakes.
Doc (Artax): Ooh, a blocktext earthquake! I love those!

Doc (Artax): "You have found an archaic, second-edition weapon."

Gordon (Ulf): So, the volcano looks as though it's currently active?
Alan (DM): Well, there was just an earthquake.

Doc (Artax): Head to cabbage. It's a spell. The reverse of it is horrible to cast in a garden.

Jon (Solamal): Did I miss something funny?
Doc (Artax): Birds on the Galápagos islands are witches. The details are irrelevant.

Gordon (Scovel): More biting, less talking.

Doc (Artax): Both of you should take a five foot step into a flanking position and waste him.
Jon (Solamal): We can't take a five foot step into a flank.
Doc (Artax): Yeah, you can.
John (Uthar): Oh, hey. Yeah, we can.
Jon (Solamal): Yeah... we can.
John (Uthar): I'm glad we've got a smart guy in the party.

Alan (DM): I use "fighter" in the sense of "combatant," because there are no words that D&D hasn't taken.
Jon (Solamal): "Combatant" hasn't been taken.
John (Uthar): I was gonna say that.
Doc (Artax): Actually, it's in Heroes of Horror.

Jon (Solamal): I always forget the important things, like "Don't fight the black dragon and get killed."

Alan (DM): You have a map of Haka'torvhak.
John (Uthar): Can I see it?
Alan (DM): It doesn't exist.

Jon (Solamal): I don't have any rope. I think it's still tied around a pillar in a temple in Xen'drik.

Gordon (Ulf): Come on, beatiful aromas can overcome you.
Jon (Solamal): It's not the smell that's making you pass out. It's the chloroform.

Doc (Artax): That's gotta be the worst pick-up line ever. "Say, does this rag smell like chloroform?"

Alan (DM): The demons have been enslaved by the dragon for his cruel pleasure.
John (Uthar): How?
Jon (Solamal): Via conventional slaving means.

Alan (DM): It's a dracotaur. It's got the front of a person and the ass of a dragon.
Gordon (Ulf): Who the hell comes up with something like that?

Jon (Solamal): So they have counters for a half-red dragon/half-yuan-ti?
Alan (DM): Yes.
Jon (Solamal): But not for everyone's favorite monster, the dracotaur.
Alan (DM): You have incredible powers of disdain, sir.

Gordon (Ulf): I was just confused because you didn't actually say, "he missed."
Jon (Solamal): He said it in an amusing fashion. And you're stupid.

Gordon (Ulf): There's no arguing with your moronic statements.
Jon (Solamal): I don't see how that was moronic, but I did just call you "stupid," so I'll let that one slide for now.

Gordon (Ulf): Does he have anything worth taking?
Doc (Artax): Yeah, he has seven gold pieces and a pack of Camel Lites.

Alan (DM): What are these things? I know there was something cool about them...
Jon (Solamal): They're bears. In power armor.
Gordon (Ulf): I'm so not cool with that.
John (Uthar): You know how much power armor sells for? All we need is two of them and we're set.

Alan (DM): You hear chittering as you walk towards the alley.
Jon (Solamal): Chittering? It's totally the bears.

János (CLAVDIVS): It's spikey up there.
Jon (Solamal): Don't worry. I took the feat "Run Around on Spikes." And I carry a sawsall around in case I ever get impaled on rebar.

Jon (Solamal): I should take "Quick Draw" for my next feat. I'm sick of having to use move-equivalent actions pulling my hands out of my pockets.

Jon (Solamal): I don't have power attack.
Gordon (Ulf): Your mom does... That's not funny. I had to try it.
Alan (DM): See, you have to try these things out in advance to make sure they work as "Your Mom" jokes.
Doc (Artax): Your mom's a hyperbolic curve!
Alan (DM): See, like that.

Alan (DM): Does AC 0 confirm?
János (CLAVDIVS): He hits you so hard he hurts his parents.

Alan (DM): The bodies weigh 60 lbs. apiece.
Jon (Solamal): Great. So we can carry three at a time: one under each arm.

Gordon (Ulf): It's true. I'm partially artificial. I have artificial things in my mouth. You know, like--
Jon (Solamal): Condoms.

Doc (Artax): *loses his shit* I'm laughing because I finally heard it all, not because it's funny. I swear.

János (CLAVDIVS): I would really like to get a transcript of what you guys say each session with citations.

Gordon (Ulf): Mal, you're not supposed to root for me to die. I just wanted to point this out.
Jon (Solamal): Why is that, exactly?

Doc (Artax): Heavy petting with umber hulks is probably a dangerous activity. Just like a dire badger.

Alan (DM): I'm an idiot.
Jon (Solamal): You're just saying that because we're not all dead.
Alan (DM): You're right. You're all dead. Now I'm not an idiot.
John (Uthar): Can I make a new character?
Jon (Solamal): No. You have to keep playing the dead one.

János (CLAVDIVS): Gordon touched my shoulder with his butt. Now I'm gay.

Doc (Artax): I have as many hit points as you do damage in a round.
János (CLAVDIVS): So I shouldn't attack you, then?
Jon (Solamal): Unless you really need to cleave into something.
Gordon (Ulf): Don't cleave into the wizard.
Jon (Solamal): He'd be cleaving out of the wizard.

Gordon (Ulf): Are you trying to lull us into a false sense of security?
Alan (DM): I'm running the adventure as written.
Jon (Solamal): He's successfully lulling us into an authentic sense of security.

John (Uthar): They are fine burrowers. And sculptors.
(Simultaneously) Jon: It is sort of odd that the T. rex lives in a burrow. Wait, what?

John (Uthar): That's not working how I thought. I'm gonna...
Jon (Solamal): ...Attack it?
John (Uthar): Are you kidding?
Jon (Solamal): Run away like a little girl?
John (Uthar): No...

Gordon (Ulf): Does it have any loot in its stomach? Other than Jon?
Alan (DM): It has a license plate.
Doc (Artax): Wow, that's anachronistotastic!

Gordon (Ulf): That's dirty.
Doc (Artax): I know. That's why I was talking to you.

Alan (DM): The dragon looks sort of shimmery. If you look at the counter, you might notice that.
Jon (Solamal): It doesn't really look shimmery so much as it looks like someone ran a crap Photoshop filter on it.
Alan (DM): You mock me. It was two filters. And they were GIMP filters.

János (CLAVDIVS): Gordon, what's your initiative?
Gordon (Ulf): My mom.
Jon (Solamal): Your mom is not a number...
John, Jon, & Doc (in unison): ...she is a free man.
Gordon (Ulf): Jon's not a bad person. He'll touch you nicely.
Alan (DM): But the sword has already agreed to be used in the ceremony. And if you then turn around and sell it to someone, it will just say "kill them" and you'll be attacked by someone wielding a +4 empathic sword with Mighty Cleave and a special ability. Who can afford to buy it and is, you know, large.
Jon (Solamal): Yeah, but then we'll get the money for selling the sword, the experience for killing the guy, AND we'll still have the sword to use in the ritual.

Jon (Solamal): ...but do fiends take subdual damage?
Alan (DM): Yeah, sure they do.
Gordon (Ulf): The only creatures that don't take nonlethal damage are elementals, constructs, undead...

Jon (Solamal): See, that's what I had in mind, since elementals don't take it, maybe other outsiders don't.
Alan (DM): Except that elementals aren't outsiders. They're... elementals.
Jon (Solamal): GOD I HATE THIS SHIT!

Gordon (Ulf): I just want to make sure we get everything.
Jon (Solamal): I'm not gettin' enough?
Gordon (Ulf): I'm gonna write that down.
Jon (Solamal): Okay, as long as you get both lines.

Alan (DM): We'll need some minis.
János (CLAVDIVS): You're in luck--
Jon (Solamal): I invented a shrinking ray.

John (Uthar): Hey, there's a giant 220 volt outlet in the floor!

Jon (Solamal): Do I get paid for this?
Alan (DM): No.
Jon (Solamal): Do I get experience for this?
Alan (DM): No.
Jon (Solamal): What do I get out of this?
Alan (DM): You get to level.
John (Uthar): You get to beat people up for free with no repercussions.

John (Uthar): I wonder if you can use an action point on initiative. I suppose you probably could, but maybe you can't.
Jon (Solamal): I think I can--and you can't--because I won't ask Alan.

János (CLAVDIVS): A great civilization spanning incontinence?
John (Uthar): It's a smelly place.

Alan (DM): Jon, you are clawed by a troll.
Jon (Solamal): 20% mischance!
Alan (DM): You're wearing that while sparring in the ring?
Jon (Solamal): Look at that guy! He's like 80 years old! Of course I'm cheating!

Gordon (Ulf): I forgot--I already had a higher movement than anyone else in the party.
Jon (Solamal): NO YOU DON'T!
Gordon (Ulf): Except... for you.

John (Uthar): I think in Sharn all the dire bears are pretty civilized.
Alan (DM): The troll attacks you.
János (CLAVDIVS): I don't think that's warranted at all.
Gordon (Ulf): Because you've critted him twice? For 77 points of damage?

Gordon (Ulf): I'd write all that down, but I totally didn't follow it all.

Alan (DM): The troll bites you for 12 points of damage.
János (CLAVDIVS): Two can play at that game.
Gordon (Ulf): I can bite him too.
János (CLAVDIVS): Ah, three can play at that game. Wait, that's an orgy.
Gordon (Ulf): Isn't that just a threesome? I think there would have to be four for an orgy.
János (CLAVDIVS): That's a foursome.

Jon (Solamal): Gordon, you're in charge of writing that down. I have to attack something now.

Gordon (Ulf): Is troll and gnoll kind of like surf and turf?

Jon (Solamal): When it breathes blood comes out of its chest.

John (Uthar): They're a group that's forcing out other organized crime while they're moving in on Sharn.
Jon (Solamal): So why are they attacking us, since we are neither organized nor criminal?
Alan (DM): It's possible that someone had paid them to attack you for some reason...
Jon (Solamal): I suppose it does make sense that criminals would have to do something with their time other than attack other organized crime gangs. I hadn't really thought of that.

Alan (DM): They sell weird drugs like [list of weirdly named fantasy drugs].
Jon (Solamal): Sounds great; what do they do?
John (Uthar): They're weird psychoactive drugs that help you in some psychic magical combat thing...
Jon (Solamal): Awesome. Let's get some. ...Maybe I shouldn't say that in front of the cop.

Alan (DM): There was a minotaur involved, I'm not really sure how...
Jon (Solamal): It was Gordon's mom.

Gordon (Ulf): Are you writing that down?
Jon (Solamal): I guess I have to. Everyone laughed at it.

János (CLAVDIVS): Thank you, but never do that again.
Gordon (Ulf): What did you do?
Alan (DM): I picked his die up with my foot, which is no dirtier than my hand.
Jon (Solamal): You know, you should really remember to wash your feet after you go to the bathroom.

János (CLAVDIVS): There's only five initiative slots.
Jon (Solamal): Six.
János (CLAVDIVS): Five.
Jon (Solamal): ...the demon goes twice.

Gordon (Ulf): It's not gonna kill me with its tail.
Jon (Solamal): You always say that.
John (Uthar): You know, it would be so awesome if you did always say that.

Gordon (Ulf): Is that why you wanted another encounter? So you could embarass yourself?
Jon (Solamal): Yes. Fuck you.
Jon (Solamal): We should totally take the giant candles!
Gordon (Ulf): And what, ram them up your ass?
John (Uthar): Jesus! That was totally uncalled for!

Gordon (Ulf): Have we said anything funny this session?
John (Uthar): No.

Gordon (Ulf): I'm not being ridden by a gold dragon.
Jon (Solamal): Yes you are. You're just in denial.

John (Uthar): Better yet: just give him three numbers. One's the attack roll, the other's subdual, and the third's just made up--and he has to figure out which is which.

John (Uthar): There need to be more types of metals with random properties that have nothing to do with anything, like "quiet aluminum."

Gordon (Ulf): "I ask, 'Does anyone know what these things are?'"
Jon (Solamal): "Um... yeah. They're a special type of miniature treants called, uh, 'Narleps.' They, uh, they're really bad-ass; and in their natural form, they have the ass of a tree, and the head of a different kind of tree. And don't eat the berries. They'll totally fuck you up."

Jon (Solamal): I'm okay with calling the fight over if we assume Gordon dies in the last round.

Jon (Solamal): "Does the prone tree hit AC 28?"

Doc (Artax): So should I memorize heroism?
Jon (Solamal): No. You should memorize heroin, because I'm totally jonesin'.

János (speaking for a centaur): "If it wasn't for my ass end, I would never have spent that year in college!"

Gordon (Ulf): Wait. Can horses be bitches?
Jon (Solamal): She's a centaur, so she's at least half-people. People can be bitches, right?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah.
Jon (Solamal): So she can be half-bitch, right?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah.
Jon (Solamal): And you round up, right?
Gordon (Ulf): No. You round down.
Jon (Solamal): With bitches, you round up, right? RIGHT?

Alan (DM): I hate to distract you from your discussion of, uh...
Jon (Solamal): The mathematics of bitchcraft?
Alan (DM): Yeah, that.

Gordon (Ulf): I thought it was funny.
Jon (Solamal): Well, then. Feel free to post a comment to my LiveJournal if you think it's so funny.

Jon (Solamal): Gordon climbs on a Unicorn. Removing all doubt.

Doc (Artax): So what's going on?
Alan (DM): It's Centaur J's turn.
Jon (Solamal): She's trying to decide what to do now that she has a bear sitting on her face since she's suddenly realized that this is a moment she's been dreaming about her whole life, but is still about to die anyway.
Doc (Artax): Which she's also been dreaming about her whole life.

Gordon (Ulf): Your mom's handicapable.
Jon (Solamal): You're just saying that because you like chicks in wheelchairs.
Gordon (Ulf): Uh... No.

János (CLAVDIVS): So all vegetative growth is suppressed in the vincinity of the Whisper Rock, and they thought maybe it wasn't evil?

Jon (Solamal): What was the other guy's name?
Alan (DM): Castar.
Jon (Solamal): Does he... "cast" spells?
Alan (DM): No. He's an artificer.
Jon (Solamal): So he artifices things?
Alan (DM): He... infuses things.
Jon (Solamal): So he makes infusions? He's Castar the tea-maker?
Doc (Artax): At least he's not "Castar the teabagger."

Alan (DM): They may need special supplies for their ritual.
Jon (Solamal): "Special supplies" means sex, right?

Gordon (Ulf): Does anyone have any caltrops? I have antitoxins...
Jon (Solamal): Right. So first we put caltrops on antitoxins...

Doc (Artax): Didn't the centaurs teach us astrology?
Gordon (Ulf): Is that a euphemism for date rape?

*Gordon typing
Jon (Solamal): Did you say something funny?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah.
*Jon pauses, hits refresh button
Jon (Solamal): I said that, you asshole!

Gordon (Ulf): Everyone within 30' of me gets a +2 bonus to initiative, listen, and spot!
Jon (Solamal): Which is so useful for building walls.
Gordon (Ulf): Shut up, you meanie!
Doc (Artax): Oh my god, there is a tiny insignificant flaw in this palisade! I might never have noticed it were it not for Gordon giving me a +2 bonus for spot!
Gordon (Ulf): Just shut up!

Doc (Artax): It's time to become lawful good and violent about it.
Jon (Solamal): What are they?
Gordon (Ulf): I can't tell you. It would ruin the fun.
Jon (Solamal): Well, your fun is already ruined, so go ahead and ruin mine. I don't care.
Gordon (Ulf): They're redcaps.
Jon (Solamal): See? I don't know what redcaps are, so you haven't ruined anything!
Gordon (Ulf): You don't know what redcaps are? Didn't you read books on fairies when you were a kid?
Jon (Solamal): No, Gordon. I was straight when I was a kid.

Gordon (Ulf): I mean, they're not knockers!
Jon (Solamal): Knocked up?
Gordon (Ulf): Knockers?
Jon (Solamal): Knocked up?
(Repeat ad infinitum)
Gordon (Ulf): I'm gonna keep saying "knockers."
Jon (Solamal): I'm gonna keep saying "knocked up."
Doc (Artax): (The Princess Bride reference #27)

Jon (Solamal): Can we cut the geopolitics and get back to killing things?
Adam (NPCs): We're trying to give you some backstory, you PHILISTINE.
Jon (Solamal): Is every insult tossed around tonight going to be Middle East-oriented?

Jon (Solamal): Fairies are from Vietnam? I had no idea!

Alan (DM): By the way, once an hour dire proclamations come from the stone. I forgot to mention it, but it's been going on for a week, and it's getting annoying.

János (CLAVDIVS): Wait, Valen is on our side? This is gonna go pretty well!

Alan (DM): Well, they're an NPC party, so they don't have a lot of money to spend on equipment.
Jon (Solamal): So they bought an artificer instead?

Alan (DM): This feels like a hefty combat and it's just the PC's.

Alan (DM): 14 points of damage with a cold iron kama, yes?
Jon (Solamal): Yes.
Gordon (Ulf): kama kama kama kama kama chamele--
Jon (Solamal): Shut up.

Jon (Solamal): So their AC is between 19 and 21.
Gordon (Ulf): Their AC is between 20 and 21.
Jon (Solamal): Their AC is 21.

Gordon (Ulf): I just like the phrase "minimally effective blow," thank you very much.

Gordon (Ulf): kama kama kama--
Jon (Solamal): SHUT UP!
Gordon (Ulf): I'm sorry! It's stuck in my head!
Jon (Solamal): Well... stuck something else in your head!

Alan (DM): So everybody in the main fight gets the bonus.
Jon (Solamal): I like how "the main fight" only includes half the enemies!
Alan (DM): And yet, 9 PCs.

Jon (Solamal): Alan , what's twenty cubed?
Alan (DM): 8,000.
Jon (Solamal): Then 1 in 8,000 is the probability of my having just rolled three ones. Actually, the probability is now 1.

Doc (Artax): Come on, Daddy needs a new pair of- *rolls dice* Fuck you!

Alan (DM): Oops.
Everybody else: What?
Alan (reading from color text): "Redcaps are dubious of multiples of two, and thus always travel in odd numbers."
Doc (Artax): "Holy shit! Our parity bit is being used against us!"

Jon (Solamal): I'd totally write that down, but I don't want to ask him to list all that again.

Alan (DM): This sounds like a job for... dPercentile!

Jon (Solamal): Does anything bad happen if the enemy team gets on top of the rock, like, do they capture the flag or something?
Adam (NPCs): "Minotaur has the flag."

Jon (Solamal): That's a great name for an ability, "inspire competence." It's like a middle management feat or something.
Doc (Artax): She's an elf. They just do everything better than you. They don't sleep, they trance!
Jon (Solamal): They don't listen to trance music, they, uh...
Doc (Artax): They listen to something better than trance music!
Jon (Solamal): They don't listen to country music. Really, they just don't listen to country music.
Doc (Artax): They listen to Western music. You know, like Johnny Cash. Or Bach.

János (CLAVDIVS): I wish I was cool like that.
Gordon (Ulf): No, you don't. You'd be dead eight times over.
Jon (Solamal): See, he can get away with it because he's never actually had to play or fight anything.

Alan (DM): If he disappears under the map he doesn't get to act.

Alan (DM): The drider will be Knowledge: Arcana...
Brooke (NPCs): I rolled a 19.
Doc (Artax): You're gonna love this... 35! "His name is Bob, he has seven legs because he lost one in a carpentry accident at age 17..."

Jon (Solamal): I walk up the rock and open up... a can of whoopass. No, wait, it's a potion of align weapon.

Gordon (Ulf): I rage, charge, and change my aura.
Alan (DM): In that order?
Gordon (Ulf): I change my aura, rage, and charge.

Doc (Artax): I cast confusion.
Jon (Solamal): Fusion?
Doc (Artax): Confusion.
Jon (Solamal): That's depressing, because fusion would be a much cooler spell. Convert all four enemies into... two helium molecules! And that shit's diatomic, motherfucker!

Gordon (all the time): Drider drider drider, I made you out of clay!

Adam (NPCs): Duck... duck... duck... wrackspawn!

Alan (DM): The drider is now fired with fairies!

Adam (NPCs): Back before clocks, magic was very imprecise.

Jon (Solamal): Whoa. We've been funny today.

Jon (Solamal): He has 120 foot blindspot?!?
Adam (NPCs): Wow, that's almost as big as Uriah's blind spot!

Doc (Artax): "It has been brought to my attention that there are many lesbians desiring my 'hard' 'cock'."

Alan (DM): He forgot to act. Let's just assume he rolled, "do nothing."

Gordon (Ulf): "Hi honey, I love you, it's my action, bye."

Jon (Solamal): So what's this one?
Alan (DM): He is harder to identify in the shadow of his larger compatriots.
Jon (Solamal): *moves monster's counter forward five feet* So what's he look like now?

Gordon (Ulf): Please stop playing with your nipples, Jon.
Jon (Solamal): I'm not playing with my nipples. I'm playing with your twenty foot burst.

Alan (DM): Stop distracting John from figuring out what he wants to do!
Jon (Solamal): But he wants to teleport over here in a twenty foot burst, so this IS helping!

Alan (DM): They have no legs, they can only brachiate.
John (Uthar): And they're attracted to chocolate.

Jon (Solamal): I drink my potion.
Alan (DM): Which to anyone else would be an oil.
Adam (NPCs): External use only? FUCK THAT!

Doc (Artax): What round is it?
Alan (DM): It's the... fourth round.
Jon (Solamal): Night of the fourth round.

Alan (DM): I didn't know if Jon was stopping to count, or stopping because he was done. Because, you know, he's our retarded friend.

Jon (dead): I DON'T HAVE TO WRITE THAT DOWN! I'M DEAD! Wait... I have to write THAT down.

Adam (NPCs): Does magic circle against evil do anything about this, or are they normal swirly magical bats made of darkness?
Jon (dead): Does he have a number or is that a big squiggle?
Alan (DM): It was a 'G' that got out of hand.

Gordon (Ulf): I'm $1300 in the hole at solitaire!
Jon (dead): Are you playing solitaire for money? Kiss that next college loan goodbye.

Doc (Artax): Does he hum nervously?
Brooke (NPCs): No, he double-moved this round, so he couldn't hum.
Doc (Artax): You know, it sounds stupid when you say it like that, but I know what you mean.

Adam (NPCs): See, it's funny 'cuz it's a Potion of Blow.

Alan (DM): Gordon, you refused to download that book!
Jon (dead): What book?
Alan (DM): The Book of Erotic Fantasy.
Jon (dead): Gordon, download that book!

Jon (dead): Well, that answers that. LJ starts paginating at 50 comments.
Alan (DM): Jesus, this is a fifty comment game?
Adam (NPCs): Well, you've got two extra people and are going for a double session...
Jon (dead): ...And Gordon is extra funny-looking today.

Gordon (Ulf): You know, I really don't think "pussy-cower" is a verb.
Doc (Artax): It is when YOU use it.

Doc (Artax): Do your great powers draw great attacks of responsibility?

Adam (NPCs): "Cultist enforcers" just means they hit people rather than stabbing people in the dark or casting spells.
Jon (dead l): Or just sitting around the house and worshipping dark gods?
Adam (NPCs): No, that's consumers.
Jon (dead): "Cultist consumers"?
Adam (NPCs): Yeah, they sit around the house and worship dark forces.

Gordon (Ulf): I can't believe we only lost Jon.
Doc (Artax): I can't believe we ate the whole thing!
Jon (dead): I can't believe I'm dead!

Gordon (Ulf): That went rather smoothly...
Jon (dead): FUCK YOU!

János (CLAVDIVS): "Beholder audit."
Doc (Artax): Huh?
Alan (DM): Beholder is a scary word. Audit is also scary, therefore "beholder audit" is scarier.
Jon (Nukumal): "Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder audit..."
Doc (Artax): Beauty is a seventh-level spell it can cast every 1d6+1 rounds.
Jon (Nukumal): No, that's the anti-beauty shell you're thinking of.

Jon (Nukumal): "I'm sorry, I'm quite offended and I want my money back. There were zombies on the train and we had to spend the whole trip in cargo after paying for first-class seats!"
Alan (DM): You didn't pay for first-class seats.
Jon (Nukumal): Yeah, but they won't know that.

Brooke ('Alohilani): I shouldn't take the spell wrack."
Jon (Nukumal): Of course you should; it's awesome!
Brooke ('Alohilani): But it's evil!
Jon (Nukumal): Yeah, that's why it's awesome! Hey, I need to pick an alignment.

Doc (Artax): Once again my keen elf ears detect nothing.
Alan (DM): [Long complicated explanation]
Jon (Nukumal): Actually, it's just all that heavy metal you listened to in your seventies.
Doc (Artax): Ah, my rebellious seventies. I remember them well.

Alan (DM): The first zombie you saw was wearing tattered, blood-soaked rags.
Doc (Artax): You know, a Gen Xer.

János (CLAVDIVS): From hell's dark train car I stab at thee!

Gordon (Ulf): I could turn into a dire bear...
Jon (Nukumal): Yeah, that'll chill out an angry crowd.

Alan (DM): You notice that the other zombies are helping.
Jon (Nukumal): HELPER ZOMBIES! This time blind people have gone too far!

Alan (DM): ...and that was the scarier zombie.
Jon (Nukumal): Why is he scarier? Is he wearing a mask?
Doc (Artax): He looks like Rex Reed.
Jon (Nukumal): *screams*

Gordon (Ulf): Do any of you know the spell remove disease? Our friend got eaten by a zombie.
Jon (Nukumal): I know the spell Syrup of Ipecac, if that's what you need.

Jon (Nukumal): Where's Tony Todd when you need him?
Doc (Artax): Quick, somebody get a mirror!

Alan (DM): It should be noted that all the walls contain a thin layer of lead for the privacy of their patrons.
Gordon (Ulf): You mean so that the party can't tell which room the vampire is staying in?
Alan (DM): Yeah, that.

John (Uthar): You shoulda been here for the zombie plague of '74.

Brooke ('Alohilani): I have a spell cast on you called divine ward, which means I can heal you at a distance.
Jon (Nukumal): And I can hurt you at a distance, so keep your eyes open.
Alan (DM): Together, they can make you exactly as you were. They're a matching set.

Jon (Nukumal): Dude, if Gordon turns into a mummy and we have to kill him I'll be the happiest boy on Earth.

Alan (DM): My name starts with six apostrophes.
Jon (Nukumal): Oh, yeah? Well, my name starts with three silent Qs.

Brooke (discussing Xen'drik) They're the chief exporters of purple and scorpions.
János (CLAVDIVS): They harvest drow for the dye?

Alan (DM): You weren't really sure what it wanted to do, other than kill you before doing it.

Alan (as Lady Eladrin): "You can be assured of rewards both moral and metallic."
Doc (Artax): Oh god, we're going to be paid in foil after this.

John (Uthar): I think this is a time when we can all agree that we share the right to say, "I told you so."

Jon (Nukumal): Can you move that binder so I can eat my lunch?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah, I just keep that there so I can make new characters...
Jon (Nukumal): ...when you die?
Gordon (Ulf): No... um... yes.
Jon (Nukumal): I'll try not to kill you until I'm done with my lunch, then.

Alan (DM): Okay guys, come on; sliiiiiiiiightly focused!
Jon (Nukumal): ...is exactly what we are.

Doc (Artax): I can only teleport three people at a time. Which makes this like that problem where U2 needs to get across the bridge...
Jon (Nukumal): And Bono can only teleport two people at a time?
Alan (DM): Except that they can pass around the flashlight.

Jon (Nukumal): John, you're right. The math's too complicated; let's take a train.

Jon (Nukumal): Shouldn't we have enough frequent rider miles on the Lightning Rail by now to get a free upgrade? This is ridiculous.

Gordon (Ulf): Are there air pirates normally?
Jon (Nukumal): There are air pirates whenever we fly somewhere, so I assume they're there the rest of the time, too.

Gordon (Ulf): I can jump off the airship.
John (Uthar): Yes, but can you jump back on?

Jon (Nukumal): Do we have to pay passage for bears?
Gordon (Ulf): *roars loudly*
Jon (menacingly): "Bears ride free, right?"

John (Uthar): We could pay to bring our animals with us, but then we'd get there and find a note that says, "You must get a canoe now and ride it to this location."

Gordon (Ulf): *singing something annoying*
Jon (Nukumal): Okay, I'm gonna rock him like a hurricane. RIGHT NOW.
Doc (Artax): IN THE ASS.

Brooke ('Alohilani): What's that you're drawing?
Alan (DM): It's a cross-section of the building where the airships dock--where you'll be going in the morning--which I'm drawing for no discernible reason.
Jon (Nukumal): YES! WE'RE GONNA FIGHT GNOMES!!!

Brooke ('Alohilani): I have this thing I can do, if you spend 10 minutes with me in the morning...
Jon (Nukumal): Hubba, hubba.
Brooke ('Alohilani): ...it'll ward you from harm... Except for him.

Jon (Nukumal): Clearly, we shouldn't have to pay for hazard pay if gnomes attack, because it seems pretty obvious that gnomes don't do anything other than attack airships.
Alan (DM): If you recall, the gnomes were trying to keep you off the airship. You were the hazard attacking the airship.

Gordon (Ulf): Are there railings?
John (Uthar): There are never railings.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Welcome to Sharn.

Alan (DM): "Kittens give Morbo gas!"
Jon (Nukumal): Slightly focused?

Alan (DM): So something happens and I figure that out, because that's my job.
Doc (Artax): Ooh, something happens: that's where you're a Viking.

Gordon (Ulf): I move towards the warforged and ask, "Are you my friends?"
Alan (DM): They close with you, say "No," and attack.

Jon (Nukumal): Oh, I move 30 feet up and make a ranged attack; I can do that now!
Alan (DM): 30 feet up?!
Jon (Nukumal): 30 feet forward.

Gordon (Ulf): "The gate is closed. The gate is closed." (repeat ad infinitum)
Jon (Nukumal): You know that hole? The one you put pie in? Shut it!
Doc (Artax): "The system... is down."
Jon (Nukumal): YOU TOO!!!

Alan (DM): The flames wash over him and are absorbed into his body without visible effect.
Jon (Nukumal): Okay, he can suck my balls.
John (Uthar): Not at that range.

Alan (DM): You pull a lever and an organized crime member comes out and kills you for operating a crane without being in the union.

Alan (DM): He stands up as a move action...
Gordon (Ulf): ...PROVOKING FROM THE CRANE!

Doc (Artax): And what will he do next to kill me instantly?
John (Uthar): Summon [something with 'g' sound].
Jon (Nukumal): 'Summon gerund'?
János (CLAVDIVS): 'Gerund audit?'

Jon (Nukumal): It's dwarves this time? So it's just short people that hate us!
János (CLAVDIVS): Short people on docks hate us.
Jon (Nukumal): They go to docks because they hate us.

Doc (Artax): Is this the wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am theory of healing?

John (Uthar): Five foot step, draw your griffon while moving, then full attack with your griffon.

Gordon (Ulf): That's great; I'm gonna jump down after [the spellcaster's body]. A frenzied, raging barbarian...
János (CLAVDIVS): "WANT MAGIC STUFF!"

Alan (DM): So you jump off the edge?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah!
Alan (DM): You fall 30 feet. You don't catch up...

Gordon (Ulf): The safety net actually stopped somebody? That's gotta be stretchy AND strong!
Jon (Nukumal): Actually, it just stopped his skeleton. The rest made it through.

Gordon (Ulf): Will I hit the safety net?
Alan (DM): You're falling. It's below you. You'll hit the safety net.

Doc (Artax): A griffon appears next to you, ['Alohilani], a celestial griffon. He's like 50% more celestial than you are.

Jon (Nukumal): Nobody wants to extend your schvanshtucker!
Gordon (Ulf): What does that even mean?
Jon (Nukumal): It means exactly what it sounds like. There is, in fact, no ambiguity in that statement.

János (CLAVDIVS): Gordon, every time you say something like that, a unicorn gets punched in the face.
Jon (Nukumal): SAY IT AGAIN! SAY IT AGAIN!

John (Uthar): I admire your exercise of...
Jon (Nukumal): ...not shooting you in the ass?

Alan (DM): [The body] has a dragonmark.
Gordon (Ulf): I cut it off.

Alan (brainstorming how the party could explain having a dead body to the Watch): "It was a gift. Somebody gave us a dead artificer." "The cat left it on the doorstep. You should see the cat."

John (Uthar): Oh my god, we're so cool. We're like the A-Team, but bad.

Doc (Artax): That's what happens when you fall in with evil people; two years later your body is being burned in the ring of an airship and people are arguing about how to dispose of your papers.

Alan (on the floating Temple of the Twelve): I think they do that to make it absolutely clear that they're the wizards and you're not.

Doc (Artax): But we can sell this off for cash?
Alan (DM): In Karrnath, they use zombie fingers for cash.

John (Uthar): I didn't really get around a lot when I was stationed here, but from what I recall this is the sort of town where the troops end up at the bar they're not supposed to be at, start a fight with the locals, then one of the troops gets killed, but one of the locals raises all of the other locals who have died, and you have to kill them again, but then you go home and nobody really finds out what happened to that guy.
Alan (DM): In Karrnath, citizens are required to sign their corpse over to the state.

John (Uthar): I don't remember quite so many ninja when I was here last.

Gordon (Ulf): John is flatfooted against them?
Brooke ('Alohilani): They are invisible.
Gordon (Ulf): John has uncanny dodge.
John (Uthar): No, I don't.
Jon (Nukumal): John should get uncanny dodge.

Doc (Artax): I have a special form of invisibility purge which mostly involves fire.

Jon (Nukumal): Wow, that sucked. I rolled two 5's in a row.
Alan (DM): You kill him outright.

Jon (Nukumal): When were you fatigued?
Gordon (Ulf): When I ended my rage.
Alan (DM): FIVE DAYS AGO.

János (CLAVDIVS): Okay, I try to finish off the invisible ninja.
Alan (DM): You hit something on the ground.
Jon (Nukumal): It's a puppy. Don't you feel awful?

Alan (DM): It's just a psychological hang-up that everyone has about shooting near their friends.
Doc (Artax): Except for people who took that feat.
Jon (Nukumal): Those are people who've had counselling to treat their hang-up about shooting near their friends.

Alan (DM): He has 3 hit points.
Jon (Nukumal): Oh my god, he's the deadest person who ever died. I do 37 points of damage.

Doc (Artax): We can ask them questions like, "Who do you work for?", then hit them in the head with a door.
Jon (Nukumal): I can do that. I'm good with doors.

Alan (DM): You need to tell me if you decant before the Watch get here in their typically just-too-late fashion.

János (CLAVDIVS): There's a mini that wouldn't work as well, but I figure Jon wouldn't be that partickalar...
Jon (Nukumal): No, not at all. But as a matter of fact, I don't even think "partickalar" is a word.

János (CLAVDIVS): But I could explain if you would all stop throwing out stupid suggestions...
Alan/Jon (simultaneously): Replace him with an alien./Give everyone in the class twenty bucks.

Alan (DM): The map we're playing on this session is soaked in kerosene.
John (Uthar): So no one cast fireball.
Doc (Artax): ...in here.

Doc (Artax): I'm older than him.
Gordon (Ulf): I know you're older than him. I mean, you're older than me.
Doc (Artax): Yup.
Gordon (Ulf): You're older than my mom.
Doc (Artax): Yup.
Jon (Nukumal): He is your mom.
Doc (Artax): Yup.
Gordon (Ulf): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Alan (DM): You know the awakened dire wolf wasn't on the take for the Emerald Claw, because you made friends with it after it killed Tuvamal...
Jon (Nukumal): Man, I feel distinctly unavenged, I'd just like to say for the record.

János (CLAVDIVS): "I think their attack on us was more of an attack of opportunity--if you will--when they found out we were here."
Jon (Nukumal): You mean we moved more than five feet through their threatened area?
János (CLAVDIVS): Well, it was more than five feet.

Alan (DM): Halfway through your various dissembling vagaries, [the watch investigator] just kind of tuned out and waited for you to stop.

Alan (DM): Lankuvorr Prospecting, Dwarven Purveyors of General Adventuring Equipment--
Doc (Artax): It's like the REI of Karrnath?
Jon (Nukumal): It's more like the Urban Outfitters. It's a bit more trendy.
Doc (Artax): Dwarves are not trendy.
Jon (Nukumal): Maybe not to you...

János (CLAVDIVS): What's the name of this store again?
Alan (DM): "Lenkavorr Prospecting," uh... "Lankavorr"... This is a really bad scan. "Lankuvorr?"
Jon (Nukumal): Maybe you should buy a book.
Alan (DM): *starts groping immense collection of D&D books* I DID.

Alan (DM): So you don't want to go somewhere more public?
János (CLAVDIVS): No, because to go somewhere more public would require going somewhere less public on the way.
Alan (DM): So you've deduced that the streets aren't safe?

Alan (DM): ...and this ends with you talking to a bum.
Jon (Nukumal): Well, we've already got the kerosene!
Gordon (Ulf): There's something you can do with a bum and kerosene?
Doc (Artax): Well, he's seen Four Brothers.
Jon (Nukumal): There are two things you can do involving a bum and kerosene. One of them makes the bum happy, and one of them makes you happy.

János (CLAVDIVS): Are there any sightseeing touristy things we can do while we're in town?
Alan (DM): There's the Tower of the Twelve...
Jon (Nukumal): Look up. Hey, floating castle; we're done.

John (Uthar): There's gotta be a swingin' nightclub somewhere here.
János (CLAVDIVS): You want to find a swingers club? I didn't know you were into that.
John (Uthar): There's probably five of those.
Gordon (Ulf): They're popular because the Karrnathi are repressed sexually?
János (CLAVDIVS): Because they're German sexually?
Gordon (Ulf): Germans aren't necessarily dir- Germans are necessarily dirty.

Jon (Nukumal): Okay, the not-getting-kidnapped plan is clearly failing. So why don't we just try getting kidnapped? Then we can find the person who's been kidnapped, ask her what's going on, escape, and we're set.

Alan (DM): So Jon has just proposed a plan, possibly in jest.

Doc (Artax): The captives are never going to tell us anything.
Jon (Uthar): Damn cultists!

Gordon (Ulf): So our plan is to shadow them? You realize that none of us are any good at that.
Jon (Nukumal): So we have ten minutes to find a guy who can follow them?
John (Uthar): But are they going to go home or just get killed for their failure?
Jon (Nukumal): Well if they are, we can just follow whoever kills them home.

Doc (Artax): So here's the plan. I cast see invisible and then I turn myself invisible.
Alan (DM): And then you'll be able to see yourself?
Jon (Nukumal): And then he can just stand there staring at his hands.
Alan (DM): "Whoa, dude, my hand is so opaque..."

Alan (DM): No, darkvision is back to being black-and-white but otherwise just like normal vision.
Jon (Nukumal): So it's just like normal vision at night, except you can see when it's even darker?
Alan (DM): And it magically cuts off at sixty feet.
Jon (Nukumal): Yeah, normal vision does that, too. Which is why you can't see the stars at night. Or the moon. Because they're more than sixty feet away.
John (Uthar): But the moon counts as a light source, so you can see anything within fifteen feet of the moon...

Gordon (Ulf): So here's the plan: I'll turn into the escaped circus bear, and you guys are the carnies trying to catch me.
Alan (DM): But once you turn into a bear, you'll forget the plan and you'll just... rampage around the house... I see how this works.
John (Uthar): This plan is genius!

Alan (DM): You're trying to bluff him. What are you going to try to bluff him to believe?
Gordon (Ulf): "There's some dangerous men at your back door!"
Alan (DM): And what does the group at the back door say?
John (Uthar): "Have you seen our dire bear?"
Doc (Artax): "Our dire bear misses us so. And he gets so angry and vicious when he misses us."

Doc (Artax): I know what I'm doing.
John (Uthar): Summoning a bear?
Doc (Artax): Yeah.

Gordon (Ulf): ...but you come every other Sunday, just like a bad LSD trip!
Jon (Nukumal): You have a bad LSD trip every other Sunday? That's awful! Maybe you should stop taking LSD.

János (CLAVDIVS): How many bears are in this fight?
Doc (Artax): Four.

Doc (Artax): You have to remember, I can't talk to the bears I summon, but it lends credence to our story later. Unless the autopsy is conducted by some sort of Ranger who goes, "Oh, this man was eaten by some sort of Celestial--potentially Brown--bear, not a circus bear at all!"
Jon (Nukumal): You know, we're here to question people and find out where our kidnapped friend is, and everyone here is going to get eaten by a bear.

Jon (Nukumal): You know, if we were really a travelling circus troupe that just had three brown bears and a dire bear that just walk around and eat people, that would be the crappiest circus ever.
Doc (Artax): We only have one act, and it's not very good.
Brooke ('Alohilani): It's 'cause I refuse to grow a beard.

Brooke ('Alohilani): I walk up to the bear and say, "Easy, boy, easy."
Jon (Nukumal): Pick up a chair--it's more believable.
Brooke ('Alohilani): I don't have access to a chair.
Jon (Nukumal): And that's one of the many reasons why everyone should carry a folding chair.

Jon (Nukumal): I wonder how much folding chairs cost in this universe. Do they even have folding chairs in this universe?
John (Uthar): They have folding boats, but not folding chairs.

Doc (Artax): I'm fucking this guy up for the LORD.
John (Uthar): "Dear Jesus, bless this fucking noob. Bless him right in his fucking face."

Doc (Artax): Why didn't I summon brown bears before? This is fun!
Gordon (Ulf): That's why I've been turning into a dire bear all the time; perhaps you hadn't noticed.

Doc (Artax): So many bears. So many bears.

Alan (DM): 15 points of damage!
Jon (Nukumal): With a shuriken? Damn, that's badass!
Gordon (Ulf): That's what you get for being a ninja.
Jon (Nukumal): I wanna be a ninja! I should go to sleep.

Jon (Nukumal): So our plan is that, theoretically if we stand in every square in the room, there's no room for ninjas?
Doc (Artax): That's intriguing; we fill in every square we can and then just hit into the squares they must be in. It's like a math proof, but with violence.

Gordon (Ulf): That's interesting; you can't get those temporary hit points back.
Alan (DM): That's why they're called temporary.

Doc (Artax): This is just a fantastic place to have a combat last forever. And it probably wouldn't be if there weren't a dire bear in the way.

Doc (Artax): Now all my bears full attack the person being grappled by Gordon, because this just needs to be over.

Jon (Nukumal): I only did this because guys are easier to interrogate when they're not in a bear's stomach.
Doc (Artax): That's vaguely true, but once I learn to cast speak with dead it won't be so much of a problem.

János (CLAVDIVS): It's all five foot corridors from here on out, Gordon.
Doc (Artax): This is where you're a liability, and a bear.

Alan (DM): I don't know what happens to guards who are half in their armor.
János (CLAVDIVS): They should get half of their armor bonus.
John (Uthar): And be entangled.

John (Uthar): Is that Lady Eladrin?
Alan (DM): Yes... She's chained to the bed.
John (Uthar): In that way?
Alan (DM): No, she's a prisoner.

Gordon (Ulf): Know what I can't do?
Alan (DM): Move?
Gordon (Ulf): ANYTHING!
Alan (DM): That's why being a bear isn't always the best thing.

Alan (Determining the results of a spell): Bear Three starts... babbling incoherently.

János (CLAVDIVS): It's the ninth round of combat. Don't we get a feat or something?

Alan (DM): Uthar, you're doing what you came here to do instead of playing with bears!

Jon (Nukumal): We should color code the fireplaces.
Doc (Artax): We did; they have kerosene on them.

Doc (Artax): You should help him tie that guy up.
Jon (Nukumal): No, that'll take like 10 rounds.
Doc (Artax): János aids. It only takes 5 rounds. It's like having a baby with nine people; it only takes a month.

John (Uthar): "SUBMIT!"
Alan (DM): She goes, "Yeah, yeah, submit, I know."
Doc (Artax): You hand her a web form.

Jon (Nukumal): What kind of things can you resist?
Gordon (Ulf): I can resist your sexual advances.
Jon (Nukumal): You've never tried, so I don't know.

Doc (Artax): The thing is, I can probably turn [the evil spellcaster] into a frog, but it wouldn't stop her from casting spells or alter her intelligence.

Alan (DM): Come on, internet, what happened to you?
Gordon (Ulf): Uh-oh, Alan has to look something up in a book.
Alan (DM): I bought the internet so I wouldn't have to do this.

Jon (Nukumal): Dawn of the eleventh round. Gordon stops being a fucking bear.

Doc (Artax): This will be known as the fight where Jon couldn't do anything because there were bears.
Jon (Nukumal): And Jon will never forgive bearkind for it as long as he lives.

Alan (DM): So does anyone remember what happened last session?
Doc (Artax): Last session will be remembered throughout all time as the session where bears prevented Jon from doing anything.
Alan (DM): So other than bears thoroughly emasculating Jon, is there anything else anyone needs to know?

Gordon (Ulf): We can throw him out the window as a kind of detect evil.
John (Uthar): If you throw him out the window, you're evil?
Gordon (Ulf): No, that's "Demonstrate Evil."

Jon (Nukumal): Can you be funny a bit less frequently? It's hard to keep up.

Gordon (Ulf): Great idea. I hit John every morning.
Jon (Nukumal): You're a dick.
Gordon (Ulf): No, you're Jon [last name withheld], he's John.
Jon (Nukumal): You're still a dick.

Jon (Nukumal): You know, an edition ago everyone could see in the dark!
Doc (Artax): I know I could!
Jon (Nukumal): Well, I was a glimmer in someone's eye an edition ago, but I bet I could've seen in the dark.

Jon (Nukumal): How do you roll a 34 on a d20?
(John throws an oversized die at him.)
Jon (Nukumal): Being bigger doesn't make the numbers bigger.
John (Uthar): It's a d30.
Jon (Nukumal): Oh. How do you roll a 34 on a d30?
John (Uthar): I do have a bonus.

John (Uthar): I think we should leave immediately.
Gordon (Ulf): I think we should take these gems.
Jon (Nukumal): I think I should switch to outlet power to keep from losing my work.

Doc (Artax): We do really wanna get paid.
Jon (Nukumal): We can get paid in the blood of our enemies.
Doc (Artax): Yeah, but that doesn't get us magic items.
Jon (Nukumal): Well, we can get paid in the magic items of our enemies, too.

Doc (Artax): Is the locked book magical?
Alan (DM): Yes. Abjuration.
Jon (Nukumal): What does that mean? We want to find someone else to open it?
Doc (Artax): Yes. Preferably a street urchin.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Is there anyone who can do anything about this? Anyone who could--
Jon (Nukumal): --buy this book that's probably going to explode from us?

Alan (DM): Lady E points out that if you're going to be interacting with people who have pointy things, she might--
Jon (Nukumal): Like to have something she could use to point back?
Alan (DM): --like to have something to keep her alive.
Doc (Artax): "Here's a potion of mage armor, here's a potion of bear's endurance; good luck!"

Gordon (Ulf): So we'll get her a portable hole, and a bottle of air, and she'll just hide in it.
Jon (Nukumal): And she'll be so happy when we throw the corpses of our enemies in there...
John (Uthar): "Hello, could you loot these please? Thanks."

Jon (Nukumal): She's not a prisoner of war; we can do whatever we want to her. That come out wrong. No, that came out right.

John (Uthar): Who loves you, and who do you love?
(almost everyone): The Messiah! The Messiah!
Alan (DM): ...I don't.
Jon (Nukumal): Jew.

Doc (Artax): What's that?
Alan (DM): That's a pit trap. You can tell, because that's the international symbol for "pit trap."
Jon (Nukumal): International standards are pretty low, huh?
Doc (Artax): I'm surprised there isn't an OSHA symbol for "open pit."

Jon (Nukumal): There's a mysterious creature in front of Uthar?
Alan (DM): I don't know what you're talking about. There's nothing in front of Uthar.
Jon (Nukumal): There's a pit trap in front of Uthar.
Alan (DM): There's a pit trap in front of everyone.
Doc (Artax): It's really a mimic...
Alan (DM): ...pretending to not be there?

Jon (Nukumal): Motörhead. Lemmy. Jesus. What part of this equation are you missing, Gordon?

Gordon (Ulf): No, he's John, you're someone else.
Jon (Nukumal): Everyone else calls me Jon.
Doc (Artax): You can call him Commander Cockthirsty.

Gordon (narrating while typing): "...and you can call him Captain Cockthirsty."
(everyone else): "COMMANDER COCKTHIRSTY!!!"

Jon (Nukumal): I got 12. On 6d6.
Doc (Artax): Jon, that's 5d6.
Jon (Nukumal): Where'd the other one go?
Doc (Artax): I don't know.
Jon (Nukumal): I'm so tired.

Alan (DM): It's like biblical interpretation: God was right; you're an idiot.

Alan (DM): So you sold a guy a map to locations that are actually active.
John (Uthar): It seemed more profitable at the time.
Alan (DM): He went there and got himself killed once.
Gordon (Ulf): Once?
Alan (DM): Well, he didn't do it again, because, well, he was dead.

Alan (DM): CLAVDIVS' horse needs to make a reflex save.
John (Uthar): He auto-succeeds.
Alan (DM): Good horsie.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Right, so now the ground splits open and a chasm yawns...
Alan (DM): Um...yes.

Alan (DM): "L-l-l-landshark!"
Gordon (Ulf): You just made my day.

Gordon (Ulf): How hurt is it?
Alan (DM): Badly. You've done a bad job of hurting it.

János (CLAVDIVS): I'm okay with you touching the minis; it's the anal insertion I have problems with.
Jon (Nukumal): But their anuses are so tiny, how can you fit anything in them?
János (CLAVDIVS): That's where Gordon excels.

Doc (Artax): Ha-ha, too late. Already written down for the ages.

Alan (DM): "This creature looks like a bloated ovoid covered with a rocklike skin. A vinelike stalk about 2 feet long rises from the top of the disgusting body and bears the two eyes. Its mouth--little more than a wide gash filled with razor-sharp teeth--is in the center of the mass. The creature shuffles about on three thick, sturdy legs and has two long tentacles covered in rough, thorny protrusions. The tentacles end in leaflike appendages covered in more thorny growths."
Jon (Nukumal): I apologize to Gordon's mom and give her the 10 bucks I owe her.
Gordon (in a gravelly voice): "Your payment is late, so I will take interest out of... your hide!"
Jon (Nukumal): Wow, I'm really impressed by your your mom impression.

Gordon (Ulf): If I can't do her, who can? Wait, I need to take that back.
Doc (Artax): Too late, it has already been written down... for eternity!

Alan (DM): It has a lot of tentacles and it wants to use them all.

Gordon (Ulf): It's okay being grappled. I did get off my horse without having to roll for a free action. It's not so bad, really.
Jon (Nukumal): Except for the fact that you're about to get eaten.
Gordon (Ulf): Oh, I don't think so.
Jon (Nukumal): Trust me. I'm about to eat you. I should know.

Alan (DM): For its move action, it runs around in a circle, provoking from you all.
Gordon (Ulf): For some reason I think you're lying.

John (Uthar): No, the warhorses have AC 20.
Alan (DM): Because of the barding!
János (CLAVDIVS): Who knew bards could be effective?
Gordon (Ulf): They are when you tie them to horses!

Gordon (Ulf): *answering phone* Uriah! How can I make your life more surreal?
János (CLAVDIVS): Send a flaming giraffe charging down the street.
Doc (Artax): Followed by a bathtub full of peanut butter, with fish for wheels.
Jon (Nukumal): I can put the fire out by painting watercolors.

Gordon (Ulf): It's okay to be racist against elves; they're better at everything.

Alan (DM): Artax, you can go as soon as you're done programming your die roller to play bears for you.

Gordon (Ulf): It could attack anyone.
Alan (DM): It's going to attack Nukumal so he feels included.

Gordon (Ulf): Doc suddenly got very angry inside.
Jon (Nukumal): No. Doc got angry outside. Doc was very angry inside.

John (Uthar): Does [the craa'ghoran] have discernable anatomy?"
Alan (DM): It's rocky, but discernable.

Gordon (Ulf): *rolling a save* Something bad happens to me?
Alan (DM): Boy, I hope so.

Jon (Nukumal): That was not a Pac-Man noise on any planet I've been to--
Doc (Artax): That was not a useful statement.
Jon (Nukumal): --and I've been to a lot of planets.

Gordon (singing gaily): I love the minis! I want to eat them! Just like candy corn!
Jon (Nukumal): How do you eat candy corn that's different from how you eat everything else?
Gordon (Ulf): I bite off one color at a time.
Jon (Nukumal): It's gonna take you forever to eat all the minis then.

John (Uthar): Nobody cares about horses like I do.
Jon (Nukumal): Look at it this way: if we kill the horse, we can sell the barding.
John (Uthar): That's true.
Doc (Artax): It's not that I don't care, it's that I don't care enough.

John (Uthar): This is gonna be awesome. There's totally gonna be air shafts. It's gonna be just like Aliens with a pre-party.

John (Observing that everyone has a laptop in front of them): I sort of like this arrangement. It's like any of us could be the DM, and nobody knows.
Alan (DM): I have a Dungeon Master's screen.
John (Uthar): Well, yeah...

Alan (DM): I'm sorry, but I didn't get your spreadsheet done.
János (CLAVDIVS): Well fuck that; I'm leaving. I don't even have my character sheet!
Alan (DM): You're lying. For one thing, I have a copy of your character sheet. For another, you're lying.

Doc (Artax): If I keep making [magic] items for you guys, we're going to have to have an adventure where you just hold my back while I kill things on my own.
Gordon (Ulf): But if we do that, then we share in the experience.
Jon (Nukumal): So you'll have to have an adventure where you go with the full party, but none of us are actually there, so we'll all get half experience and you'll be the only one to get full experience.
John (Uthar): Just try not to get any of us killed.

John (Uthar): I don't even have a change of clothes.
Doc (Artax): Yeah, you do. You have a noble's outfit. Your cursor was right on that; how did you miss it? "Hey look, those letters have no meaning to me!"

Doc (Artax): Stop being at the end of the buffer!
Jon (Nukumal): I'm not at the end of the buffer! Are you doing work, too?
Doc (Artax): No, I'm increasing the randomness of my die rolls.

János (CLAVDIVS): That was Hillary's favorite band.
Jon (Nukumal): Me First and the Gimme Gimmes?
Alan (DM): Oddly appropriate, though.

Doc (Artax): Why did you apologize to Alan for calling him a fucker, then just change the insult to "asshole"?
Jon (Nukumal): Because in my head it was hilarious.
Doc (Artax): "Please pardon my language, I meant to say asshole."

John (Uthar): I can't decide if I should take constructs or undead as my next favored enemy.
Jon (Nukumal): How about undead constructs?
John (Uthar): That's catchy, but they don't show up enough in core material.
Doc (Artax): It's kind of pigeonholed.
János (CLAVDIVS): Or you could just take pigeons as a favored enemy. It's the perfect thing for an urban ranger.

Jon (Nukumal): I'm sorry; I was thinking of something else.
Alan (DM): I could tell. You know how I knew? You're at game.

Alan (DM): I think my computer is lying to me about these stats.
Jon (Nukumal): Actually, it's me who's lying to you and I'm doing it through your computer.
János (CLAVDIVS): That's what Wikipedia's for.

János (CLAVDIVS): At least they're not bears.
Jon (Nukumal): I suppose it's true, none of them are bears, which means they're not that bad. Except for Gordon, who is both a bear and still Gordon.
Gordon (Ulf): Am I a bear?
Jon (Nukumal): Well, what's your opinion on other men? And how much body hair do you have?
Gordon (Ulf): I can't really answer that.
Jon (Nukumal): It's not like they should be difficult questions to answer. But I'll accept that you're going through a confusing time in your life and leave it at that.

John (Uthar): They should wield warswords.
Alan (DM): They could wield war axes, which have the advantage of existing.

John (Uthar): [The warforged] banter in morse code on each other's skulls?
Gordon (Ulf): That's what I was going for... I figured they didn't have punch-card readers or anything.

Doc (Artax): I stand up from prone, provoking attacks of opportunity from my sleeping horse.

Jon (Nukumal): So I'll just go through all my maneuvers, and then if I run out, I'll just hit someone with my sword.
Gordon (Ulf): Have you ever done that before?
Jon (Nukumal): Ummm, maybe not.
Doc (Artax): "Didn't you spend decades of your life training to do this in a monastery?" "Maybe."

Brooke ('Alohilani): How much damage has she done?
Jon (Nukumal): 26; more than half [of my remaining hit points].
Alan (DM): ...and then she starts attacking with the other end of her dire flail.

Alan (DM): And you moved, so you only get one attack, but you did deal one point of extra damage.
János (CLAVDIVS): One point; thank goodness for my scout level.

Gordon (Ulf): I attack schmucky-poo.

Jon (Nukumal): I'm one-third the man I used to be.
Gordon (Ulf): And you were one-twentieth of the man I need.
Jon (Nukumal): So you need a man with a twenty-foot cock? Ow.

Jon (Nukumal): Am I wearing any armor? I'm not sure. I suppose I'm wearing a chain shirt... not much else, though. I'm wearing a belt but I'm not wearing any pants. That's sort of odd.
Doc (Artax): Jon naked around the campfire. He's like "Man, I know I'm forgetting something. Oh yeah, my belt."

Alan (DM): So they all fire off scorching rays like crazy muth'fucks.

Gordon (Ulf): Hmm, I need to get into this combat.

Alan (DM): He stops there and throws a dagger.
Jon (Nukumal): Ho! Dagger-thrower. Shirt-ripper.

Brooke ('Alohilani): If I survive this, I have a theory about how to get a good touch AC.
Jon (Nukumal): Buy a shield?
Brooke ('Alohilani): No.
Jon (Nukumal): I'm not sure if I like this theory.

Jon (Nukumal): All my characters have been monks, except that first character who lasted like two sessions. That's when I realized: dude, just stick with monk.
Alan (DM): Once you go monk, you... stay a monk?
Doc (Artax): Once you go monk, it becomes difficult to multiclass.

János (CLAVDIVS): I hit AC... *furiously inputs numbers in calculator*
Alan (DM): No it's not.

Jon (Nukumal): Quick! Cleave into the other chick and become an official misogynist!

Jon (Nukumal): 3, 8, and 6 roll to save against my fire snake.
Gordon (Ulf): *Sniggers* Sorry, that just sounds dirty.
Doc & Gordon (simultaneously) Rowll against mah fiah snake.

Gordon (Ulf): I feel sorry for you, Brooke; your whole combat has been spent healing Jon [last name withheld].
Jon (Nukumal): You healed the other John once.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Nope. Just you.

Gordon (Ulf): You'd be surprised how wise he is in the ways of your pants.

János (CLAVDIVS): Okay, I walk back into the room and Gordon insults me.
Gordon (Ulf): Well, you were waving your hands around and bonked one on the chair.
János (CLAVDIVS): I could dry my hands in your hair!

Brooke ('Alohilani): That guy who just moved away from János-
Alan (DM): And healed himself?
Brooke ('Alohilani): I unheal him. I do 14 points of damage.
Alan (DM): You unheal him all the way.

Alan (DM): I don't know if you really have a perennial rope problem, but you keep bitching about how you don't have rope.
Jon (Nukumal): Because we left all our rope in South America, or whatever it's called here.

Jon (Nukumal): Nathan, you're here! Gordon, you have the day off.

Jon (Nukumal): So the test is whether or not they'll survive nonlethal damage?

Gordon (Ulf): During the climactic combat, John, try to remember to use your tooth.
Alan (DM): Hey, that's right! You don't kill them automatically any more! Who here is still 10th level? *Half the party raises their hands* Maybe not, then.

Gordon (Ulf): Doc, I'm uncomfortable with your elven "ass-pounding" language.
Jon (Nukumal): Well, you know, he's an elf so he pounds ass just like you humans do...
Jon, Alan, & Doc (in unison): ...ONLY BETTER.

Gordon (Ulf): What would Brian Boitano do?
Jon (Nukumal): He'd cast a spell on the door?!
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah.

Nathan (subbing CLAVDIVS): "You successfully dispelled the magical trap, you just happened to miss the poison darts that shoot out when you open the door."
Jon (Nukumal): Yes, all the magic does is set the poison darts on fire.

Alan (DM): Two people should roll reflex saves.
John (Uthar): I got a 29!
Jon (Nukumal): I got a gun!
Doc (Artax): I got a sawed-off pool cue with a leather strap!
Nathan (sadly): I got a rock.

Nathan (CLAVDIVS): Fuck the Nazi stairs. I'm goin' up 'em--they can't make me go down.

Alan (DM): You open the door and you see...
Gordon (Ulf): ...Death!
Nathan (CLAVDIVS): ...an Umber Hulk!
Doc (Artax): You're all wrong. It's an Arby's.
Nathan (CLAVDIVS): It's a room full of naked ladies! "Don't worry guys, I can handle this myself. Close the door behind me."
Doc (Artax): "I'll sacrifice myself for the good of the party!"

Jon (Nukumal): Do I still need to stick to the wall? Because I just confirmed that I could.
Mattine (Nathan's wife): Great, so when everyone else dies because spikes come out of the wall, you can be the one to survive.
Jon (Nukumal): Because I'll be sticking to the wall thanks to the spike going through my hand.

Jon (Nukumal): I'll use my bestiality to turn into a dragon!
Doc & John (Uthar): ANIMALITY! ANIMALITY!
Jon (Nukumal): Whatever. My word is better.

Alan (DM): You do not have greater cleave, and there is no one for you to hit except Jon.

Jon (Nukumal): I'm RAIIIIIIIIIIID!
Gordon (Ulf): Why are you 'raiiiiiiid'?
Jon & Doc (in unison): "Because he kills bugs... DEAD."

Gordon (Ulf): Let's do it like--
Jon (Nukumal): --birds do it?
Gordon (Ulf): --like--
Jon (Nukumal): --bees do it?
Gordon (Ulf): ...yeah.

Alan (DM): Something interesting happens when you open the safe, even though there is no giant fireball.
Jon (Nukumal): There is a tiny fireball.
Nathan (CLAVDIVS): There are three tiny fireballs.
Jon (Nukumal): There are THREE tiny fireballs--
Everyone else: Ah Ah Ah!
Mattine (Nathan's wife): Even I saw that coming.

Alan (DM): Jumping up on a table is a DC 10 Jump check that takes 10 feet of movement.
Gordon (Ulf): I have 17 ranks of Jump. Do you want me to roll it?
Alan (DM): NO! Because you'll roll and then tell me that you get an 18... or more likely, 28.
Jon (Nukumal): Which means you jump too hard and hit your head on the ceiling.

Alan (DM): He has a set of three key charms... the same three you already have.
Gordon (Ulf): That's unfortunate.
Jon (Nukumal): Hey, the more we have, the more nobody else has. If he was on his way to help someone get into the bathroom, then they'll TOTALLY have to go by the time we get there.

John (Uthar): Think of them as being like the bastard offspring of humans and warforged.
János (CLAVDIVS): I didn't know they could do that.
John (Uthar): They can't.

János (CLAVDIVS): So how can you tell which parts are human and which are machine?
Jon (Nukumal): Have you ever seen Tetsuo: The Iron Man?
János (CLAVDIVS): No.
Jon (Nukumal): That's fine, because it's not really like that anyway.
János (CLAVDIVS): Jon, you have reached a whole new pinnacle of unhelpfulness.

Gordon (Ulf): Hey, you're ruining my singing.
János (CLAVDIVS): Your singing is ruining your singing.

John (Uthar): There were four people in the room. We killed them.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Actually they were already dead.
John (Uthar): So there were four people in the room we didn't kill.
Jon (Nukumal): Or perhaps we caused them to die without knowing it, thus earning no XP.
Alan (DM): You killed them, then the amnesia trap went off.

Alan (DM): So this is one of those little just-fits-the-party anterooms you keep finding.
Jon (Nukumal): One of these days we're gonna walk into a trash compactor and we'll be fucked.

Alan (DM): So there's nothing inherently dangerous... nothing obviously inherently dangerous.

Alan (DM): Okay, you are trying to pronounce the title of the book you picked up; you realize that your book is interesting but not useful; and you are briefly engrossed in a treatise on the difference in the magics of blue and white dragons. You put the book down and say, "One of them is cold and one of them fucking shocks you." Because that seems to be pretty much all the book has to say.

(looting a conference room)
Jon (Nukumal): Are they wheelie chairs?
Alan (DM): They don't have wheelie chairs in this universe.
Jon (Nukumal): Do they hover an inch above the ground or something?
Alan (DM): I would have mentioned that. You test it; it only hovers for about a second.

Doc (Artax): That's great; when we're done with this dungeon we can become an office supply liquidating warehouse.

John (Uthar): I'm not sensing a lot of cohesion in this dungeon. Unless Mr. Bad Guy has decided that he wants to compose his inner circle of entities with a variety of specializations in monstery...
Doc (Artax): House Cannith is conducting a remarkable diversity promotion program at the moment.

Alan (DM): You could speculate that [the astral stalker] is contained with a magic circle.
Jon (Nukumal): Hey! I could speculate, too!
Doc (Artax): You speculate that the demon is made out of chocolate and peanut butter.
Jon (Nukumal): Ooh! Let's eat him!

Alan (DM): And there's the feat, Jack of all Trades, which shrinks Napoleon.

Gordon (Ulf): I walk into the room. Do I die from the necromantic effect?
Alan (DM): *rolls die*. No.
Gordon (Ulf): See, it's fine.
Doc (Artax): Truly, the most effective test ever devised. Wanna try moving more than five feet next time?

Alan (DM): "Were you living at the start of this effect?"

Doc (Artax): Can I make a craft: ethical decision check?

Jon (Nukumal): I open the door. I use Gordon's hand.

Doc (Artax): Does anyone have a ram or perhaps a goat with them?

Alan (DM): I know that the [ghost] counter's a guy, but it's actually a chick.
Jon (Nukumal): Oh my god, I'm glad you didn't try to fix the counter.

Alan (DM): I need to check something out that I either didn't write down or isn't true.

Jon (Nukumal): [My mindblade] is a magic weapon?
John (Uthar): Does it not exist until you go woawoawoawoa *pantomimes blade appearing*? 'Cause that makes it magic.

Doc (Artax): The ghost gets to live but I have to die? How charitable, good sir.

Gordon (Ulf): I wonder how much she weighs?
Alan (DM): Well she is an elf and she is dead.

Alan (DM): It takes a full-round action to exhort your companions-
Gordon (Ulf): Extort?
Alan (DM): Exhort. I'm pretty sure I said 'exhort'. But maybe Artax yells aggressively 'Help him or I'll magic missile your ass!'
Doc (Artax): 'Help him or the party finds out about that hooker in Tijuana!'

Alan (DM): I couldn't find his search modifier; I failed my search check.

Doc (Artax): "Look, just because you're racist doesn't mean I'm poncey."
Jon (Nukumal): See, elves are racist just like we are... only better.

Doc (Artax): I really hope you don't run up to it, because then I can't back away and fireball its ass.
Jon (Nukumal): Well sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Doc (Artax): Do you have a good reflex save, because sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Alan (DM): Doc, you fall down.
Doc (Artax): I fall down?
Alan (DM): You take 10 points of strength damage. Well, a 10 point strength penalty.
Doc (Artax): If I lose 10 points, my strength becomes -2!
Alan (DM): That's why you're no longer standing.

Alan (DM): You're gonna move up and attack?
John (Uthar): Well, we're not gonna have any more fireballs thrown at us.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Gordon, as much as I love you...
Jon (Nukumal): Gordon, as much as I hate you... which is a lot...
Doc (Artax): I was just thinking you'd say that.

Alan (DM): Sometimes I wish I didn't care about consistency and logic.

Doc (Artax): Should I cast stoneskin?
Gordon (Ulf): Do you have 1000 GP? Then yes.
Alan (DM): It's 250 GP of diamond dust.
Jon (Nukumal): 1000 GP. Because he should share.
Alan (DM): You'll snort yours? That would be decadent... through a BURNING $100 BILL.

Alan (DM): You hear a faint thumping coming from far away.
János (CLAVDIVS): Someone's calling a sandworm!
Alan (DM): It's arrhythmic.
Jon (Nukumal): It must be Neubauten, then.

John (Uthar): We should try that. Wanna do that on Tuesday?
Alan (DM): No! We have worthwhile projects we're not finishing.

Alan (DM): Detect evil detects things that are evil because they have no souls.
Jon (Nukumal): What about evil things that have souls?
Alan (DM): Sure, detect evil also detects those because they have evil souls.
Doc (Artax): If soul equals null or soul equals evil, then detect evil returns true.

Alan (Describing the key charms, which are too big to be rings and too small to be bracelets): It's like a napkin ring... for a burlap napkin, because it's too big for a regular napkin.
Jon (Nukumal): WHAT THE FUCK!?
Alan (DM): Burlap napkins are the wave of the future.

Jon (Nukumal): So maybe the villian has been attached to and is now possessing a clay golem, whereupon he had a flat chance to berserk--for all time--and is now rampaging around in the basement where he's no longer a threat because he no longer knows how to use an elevator!

Alan (DM): I don't have it here because I'm lazy, which is a great trait in a DM. And I can't figure it out, so you're all dead.

Alan (DM): (explains what Nukumal sees when he opens a door)
John (Uthar): "Hey, Nukumal! What's in there?"
Jon (Nukumal): Um... SHIT!
Alan (DM): You can figure it out... look at the map...
Jon (Nukumal): "There's a doughnut, which is probably actually a boiler that's filled with jelly of some sort..."

Alan (DM): There are two doors--
Doc (Artax): --but four lights.

Alan (DM): I think this is very stupid art. Not as stupid as the art I would draw myself, though.

Alan (DM): This pen is strangely warm. Either [Gordon] was stroking it or it was lying next to [his laptop's] exhaust port.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Stairs are for people without wings.

Doc (Artax): It's a quadrilateral room, defying all expectations of the party!

Alan (DM): My god, this is the least straight line I've ever attempted to draw.

János (CLAVDIVS): Marshes are wetlands whose dominant vegetation is grass. Swamps: dominated by trees. Bogs: acidic. Fens: alkaline.
Doc (Artax): This is why we keep János around. This and his comprehensive knowledge of deviant sexual behavior.
Alan (DM): Which he's demonstrated exactly once.
John (Uthar): Apparently once was enough.

Doc (Artax): What is it?
Alan (DM): It's a giant thing of water.
Doc (Artax): But what do I roll to figure out what it is?
Jon (Nukumal): Your knowledge won't help you. It's just a giant thing of water.

Doc (Artax): So what hurts [the huge water elemental]?
Alan (DM): Not water.

János (CLAVDIVS): I do max damage: 10 points.
Alan (DM): Your arrow seems to have no effect. It makes a little splash.
Doc (Artax): You're just going to have to walk up and fuck it. With your axe, with your axe!

Alan (DM): So now there's more water in the room, because the normal water is mixed with water elemental corpse water, which may be the same thing.

John (Uthar): I pick it up and say, "This hatpin wants me to do stuff, but I... don't want to let it."
Doc (Artax): What do I make of that?
Alan (DM): What he just said? He's fucking NUTS!!!

János (CLAVDIVS): So why would there be a magical hatpin in a sink?
John (Uthar): Maybe Xulo is using the Blackhearth forge to create these items to spread his malign influence among those who wear them.
Doc (Artax): Your theory is well constructed, but its elaborate conspiratorial nature makes me think it is incorrect.

Alan (DM): The astral stalker has a special attack called a 'throat dart', but nowhere does it explain what that is! Is it a dart that comes out of its throat, or a dart it throws at other people's throats? It's a natural attack, because it doesn't iterate...

Gordon (Ulf): Wow, this so looks like a final conflict room!

Gordon (Ulf): I bet warforged come out of that!
Jon (Nukumal): Out of the sofa?
János (CLAVDIVS): It's apparently a warforged vagina.
Jon (Nukumal): Wow, that's gotta be the most comfortable sofa ever!

Alan (DM): Rather than use counter-art that doesn't represent this, you're going back to Alan-counter-art.

Doc (Artax): You think Merrix is going to be a big threat when he has the intelligence and charisma of a lizard?

Alan (DM): I should mention a few things that I neglected before. First off, the monk has robot arms.

Alan (DM): This is the part where we see how fast you die.

Jon (Nukumal): What does "Droga Shifter Woman" do?
Alan (DM): Well, she doesn't do that, because she doesn't actually have that ability.
Jon (Nukumal): And what does "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman" do?
János (CLAVDIVS): Gets cancelled.

Doc (Artax): It's like FedEx, only you're gonna die, so it's more like UPS.

Alan (as Xulo): "I see I know... uh, some of you. You will not stop me again."

Jon (Nukumal): AC 21? Dude, get some armor!
Gordon (Ulf): I'm wearing it; it turns me into a bear!

Jon (Nukumal): Fire snake on 3, 4, Droga... Xulo.
Doc (Artax): 3-4-Droga-Xulo? That sounds like a call sign.

Alan (DM): What did you get?
John (Uthar): It depends on what kind of save it is.
Alan (DM): Will save; I told you.
John (Uthar): I only heard, "Uthar will save."
Alan (DM): "Uthar, comma, will save."

Gordon (Ulf): I'm not gonna 5-foot step, I'm just gonna hit him the old-fashioned way.
Alan (DM): You're gonna earn it?

John (Uthar): I have a question-
Gordon (Ulf): "If I kill another party member, do I get experience for it?"

Alan (DM): "There are five flaws in this plan. Try to find them all!"
Doc (Artax): We should just put that on government documents!

Alan (DM): 3 is gravely wounded.
Jon (Nukumal): You said that last round!
Alan (DM): 3 is more gravely wounded.

Brooke ('Alohilani): It's Xulo's action.
Alan (DM): I know. Xulo thinking.

Jon (Nukumal): I think we all just hear Doc scream a bloodcurdling death scream and all yell, "John, you did it again!"
John (Uthar): What do you mean, 'again'?
Jon (Nukumal): It's funnier if you say 'again.' Try it.

Alan (DM): Yes, he's even graverly wounded. Now cats scare him.

Jon (Nukumal): It ricochets harmly around the inside of your square.
John (Uthar): Harmly?

Alan (DM): I said we need to talk [about Artax's death] because I feel this is partly my fault.
Gordon (Ulf): Because you gave John an artifact that kills the whole party.
Alan (DM): No, John used it wrong and killed a party member; that's his fault...

Alan (DM): There is a grand tradition that says, on the way out of the evil forest things go more smoothly than on the way into the evil forest. This is not realistic, but I'm just fine with it.

Alan (DM): So we're all here...
Jon (Nukumal): We're here.
Alan (DM): ...except Doc, but he's dead...
Jon (Nukumal): ...and we're all queer... and no more bears.
Gordon (Ulf): NO MORE BEARS!?!?!

Alan (DM): ...because fortune favors the fiat.

Alan (DM): The cheapest way for you to get home would be 80 gp per person, and that would be six days on a boat and four days in steerage.
Doc (dead): I was going to say, the cheapest way for us to get home would be to have Artax teleport everyone, but OH, HE'S DEAD!

Gordon (Ulf): Potion of heroism?
Jon (Nukumal): Wow, that sounded so much better for the first half of the word.

Gordon (Ulf): What does a potion of heroism do?
Alan (DM): It's like having a really friendly bard next to you. It's a bard in a bottle.

Gordon (Ulf): Does anyone want a +1 greatsword, frost?
Jon (Nukumal): Oh, if only it were a bastard sword, I'd still be a soulknife.

Jon (Nukumal): Is there a feat that lets you quadruple move when you charge?
John (Uthar): Only if you're a DM and you do it wrong and kill a PC.
Jon (Nukumal): So you've done it, in other words?
John (Uthar): Oops.

John (Uthar): How many hit points do you have?
Brooke ('Alohilani): 65.
John (Uthar): That's not bad. That's... more than I have.

Jon (Nukumal): Hey, Doc, can I pay your corpse to make some magic items?
Doc (dead): NO!

Alan (DM): [Frostcloud], you're the first character I've ever seen who can reliably disarm magic traps

Jon (Nukumal): Robe of Bones. That sounds pretty cool. But it's pretty cheap, so it's probably lame.

Alan (DM): To return from Skyway, because not all of you can fly, and jumping is considered rude...

Jon (Nukumal): You know what we need: potions of undetectable alignment. Will that help against the tooth?
Alan (DM): No, it'll just mean John can't tell what alignment you are before it kills you.
John (Uthar): I can't do that anyway.

Gordon (Ulf): Initiative?
Brooke ('Alohilani): 35.
Gordon (Ulf): What!
Brooke ('Alohilani): Sorry! 25. I don't know why I wanted to add 10 to that.

Brooke ('Alohilani): What things do I already know about gold dragons?
Alan (DM): Roll a knowledge: arcana check.
Brooke ('Alohilani): 22.
Jon (Nukumal): Dragons are big.
John (Uthar): Dragons foamy.

John (Uthar): Brooke, this is awesome.
Brooke ('Alohilani): This is what my character's been waiting for!
John (Uthar): This is so much safer than what I was gonna try.

János (CLAVDIVS): Can I make a running long jump?
Jon (Nukumal): 200 feet [to the nearest building]?
János (CLAVDIVS): No, onto the back of the dragon.
Doc (dead): It is a game of heroic opportunity.

Alan (DM): Modeling falling is very hard in D&D.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Ooh, I can make a knowledge: arcana check and Doc's not around to best me.
Doc (dead): That's only gonna work for the next half hour.

Alan (DM): And thank you, Firefox, for opening twice.
Jon (in Moviephone voice): YOU'RE WELCOME!

Gordon (*Getting clobbered by a dragon*): Fuck, I didn't think one of these things would kill me.

Alan (DM): John, you are going to make an attack roll.
János (CLAVDIVS): With an improvised weapon: a sky-boat.

Alan (DM): I have factored in that you are wielding a boat, in a variety of ways.

Alan (DM): Everyone on the boat feels a lurch as it suddenly loses altitude.
János (CLAVDIVS): I'm not on the boat.
Alan (DM): I know, but it's catching up.

Doc (dead): If you were a roper this would be over right now, which is always something you should consider if you're playing a character who can cast polymorph.

John (Uthar): Sorry, Doc. Sorry to complicate this for you.
Doc (dead): What?
János (CLAVDIVS): Delaying your character introduction.
Doc (dead): No, this is fun.
John (Uthar): Wait, are you the dragon?!
Doc (dead): No!

Doc (dead): This dragon will probably turn out to be a gnomish effigy master inside a giant construct.

Alan (DM): You wish to trip the dragon, so it falls prone in the boat?
John (Uthar): Do I get a size bonus because the boat is bigger than the dragon?
Alan (DM): We're gonna look up the trip rules and see how the hell they apply.

Alan (DM): The dragon bites you, dealing 15 points of nonlethal damage.
Jon (Nukumal): Nonlethal?
János (CLAVDIVS): It just gums you around some.
Jon (Nukumal): I'm being gummed to death?
Gordon (Ulf): The dragon just wants to hump your unconscious body.

John (Uthar): I have to turn around and nose forward?
Alan (DM): Backing the sky-boat up is really difficult. I mean, you can do it, but it's hard to maneuver and there's this obnoxious beeping sound.

Doc (dead): [Ulf]'s some kind of racist dragon shaman.

Gordon (Ulf): What do we know about the Dragon Circle in my tribe?
Alan (DM): Considering dragons living gods, your people assume they don't need to organize themselves in any way.
Gordon (Ulf): They just fly over and do shit.
János (CLAVDIVS): They just fly over and shit.

Doc (Frostcloud): I am clad entirely in the leather of strange animals, which you might be able to identify with a DC 17 knowledge check.
Alan (DM): "I have beholder skin gloves; each finger is from a different eyestalk."

Alan (DM): Muroni explains: you are going deep into the Everice.
János (CLAVDIVS): Ever-Rice?
Alan (DM): Ever-Ice.
János (CLAVDIVS): Oh. That sounds colder.

Alan (as Muroni): "Finding the prophecy is often part of the prophecy."
Doc (Frostcloud): I however have no such scriptural hang-ups.

Alan (DM): So you're teleporting to Stormreach. Here's the first exciting thing: it's regular teleport.

Gordon (Ulf): Yesterday I established that [John] and I and János are the only original characters.
Brooke ('Alohilani): No you're really not, honey.
Gordon (Ulf): Oh, I'm a really dead character, but I guess I just haven't died in a while.

John (Uthar): It's hot and steamy here [in Xen'drik], right?
Gordon (Ulf): I like hot and steamy.

Alan (DM): You all need to be in touching distance of Frostcloud.
Gordon (Ulf): Ewww. He's an elf.
Doc (Frostcloud): He's not an elf!
Gordon (Ulf): What is he?
Brooke ('Alohilani): Y'know, glowing *holds hands around head*?
Doc & János: Illumian!
Gordon (Ulf): He's an elf.

Alan (DM): I'm not going to answer that now because something dramatic is about to happen.
Gordon (Ulf): Dramatic or traumatic?
Brooke ('Alohilani): Both.

Alan (DM): They're thirty feet up off the ground.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Ugh.
János (CLAVDIVS): It's up to you, 'Alohilani.

Alan (DM): Nothing on them glows or indicates a sinister intelligence.
Gordon (Ulf): So they're not lambent wasps; that's good.

János (CLAVDIVS): You can cast "Raid", right, Doc?
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah...he can, but it calls the cops and they break down the door... wrong kind of "raid".

John (Uthar): Now I'm worried; they look big enough to carry me.
Gordon (Ulf): How many are there? Will you stop putting them out?

John (Uthar): I'm going to move and shout at them.
Alan (DM): How far are you going to move and how loud are you going to shout?
John (Uthar): As loudly as I can and as little as I have to.

Brooke ('Alohilani): I... crap.
János (CLAVDIVS): Don't do that; that's a horrible combat action.
Alan (DM): Especially since you're almost directly above him.

Alan (DM): You are hit, and poison courses through your vein, which is neutralized immediately.
Gordon (Ulf): By the small Chinese schoolgirl dancing in your veins.
Brooke ('Alohilani): That doesn't even make sense.
János (CLAVDIVS): But it's still hot.

John (Uthar): Are the wasps high enough the clear the back of the throne?
Alan (DM): Yes.
Gordon (Ulf): I bet that looks pretty awesome.
János (CLAVDIVS): It would be in the movie trailer, that's for sure.
(Everyone babbles excitedly about the cinematics of this image)
János (CLAVDIVS): I bet this is exactly how Reign of Fire got greenlit.

Gordon (Ulf): I breathe acid up. I'm sure some of it dribbles down my shirt collar.

Gordon (Ulf): I like wasps
Doc (Frostcloud): I thought you liked girls.
Gordon (Ulf): WASPs? White Anglo-Saxon Protestant girls?
János (CLAVDIVS): He's leaving the Chinese schoolgirls for me. Which is considerate of him.

Alan (DM): I don't want to put these guys on top of each other, because I would lose track of them. I know; I'll stack them with dice.
Doc (Frostcloud): They're like dice-wasp sandwiches. Boy, that would be disgusting!
Gordon (Ulf): If you kill 'em, you get to eat 'em!
Doc (Frostcloud): János, you haven't been bringing gummi bears to represent opponents like you used to.
János (CLAVDIVS): That was never my exclusive duty.

Alan (DM): Both Jo(h)ns have this tendency to create mini-combats in which they are alone against significant portions of the enemy forces.

John (Uthar): Is it really window? Let me try that again. Is it really windy?

Alan (DM): Bad things are debating the relative merits of hitting you.

Alan (DM): He hits you with his large club and deals 17 points of damage.
János (CLAVDIVS): I return the favor.
Alan (DM): You have a large club?
János (CLAVDIVS): Surprise.

Alan (DM): He shouts, "Intruders!"
John (Uthar): Why isn't anyone ever pleased to see us?

Alan (DM): Okay, so he is critically caltropped.
Doc (Frostcloud): Taking... 2 points of damage.

Alan (DM): That's a great trap. You light someone on fire and then give them a blanket to stop drop and roll, and there are caltrops there.
János (CLAVDIVS): Or you could just light them on fire.
Alan (DM): *Puts head in hands*
John (Uthar): I thought it was a good idea.

János (CLAVDIVS): Oh my god!
Everyone: What?
János (CLAVDIVS): I do have gummi bears!

John (looking at dehydrators online): Oh, so it normally retails for $350.
Gordon (Ulf): But you can get it for $250.
János (CLAVDIVS): Or three easy installments of $199.99

János (CLAVDIVS): And I can move 30 again?
Alan (DM): Yes.
János (CLAVDIVS): *counting* 5...10...what comes after 10?...15...20...

Alan (DM): I made the name Karrunkiphores up because if I told you their real name, you'd know what they are.
Doc (Frostcloud): Yes, the Karrunkiphores, they're from Monster Manual Pi.
Brooke ('Alohilani): I like irrational monsters.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Boy, what I wouldn't give for an area effect right now.
Doc (Frostcloud): You and me both, sister!

Doc (Frostcloud): I'm gonna cast dispel to finally get rid of the spell that's keeping us from killing the hag.
Gordon (Ulf): Or keeping the hag from killing us; I'm not sure which.

Alan (DM): Incidentally, she was confused, which was why her actions stopped making sense.

Gordon (Ulf): In Brooke's game my back-up character has an AC of 16. I've spent all of my money on rods...and crack.
Doc (Frostcloud): "I spent all my money on hookers, blow, and metamagic rods."

Alan (DM): All right, move yourselves further into danger, please.

Gordon (Ulf): So, having expended no resources other than John's constitution...

Gordon (Ulf): This is going to screw up my wealth calculation
Doc (Frostcloud): It's an artifact; it does that.

Alan (DM): All right, I'm going to draw the map now. I'm done. You're in the middle of a big snow field.

Doc (Frostcloud): Then I yell, "Before it dies it's going to explode!"
John (Uthar): Is that a challenge or a warning?

Alan (DM): Now we see how [frost worms] earn their CR.
Doc (Frostcloud): They earn their CR by dying?

Doc (Frostcloud): I have evasion!
John (Uthar): Really? You rule! *tries to high five Doc but misses*
Doc (Frostcloud): I evaded your hand.

Alan (DM): ...and snow distinguishes unprotected flames.
János (CLAVDIVS): Extinguishes?
Alan (DM): No, it can tell them apart. "That flame: unprotected; I'm sure of it!"

Brooke ('Alohilani): Wind?  How does that apply to flying creatures?
János (CLAVDIVS): As with all winged creatures you should have flown south for the winter... whatever happens to you is your own damn fault.
Brooke ('Alohilani): But we are south...

János (examining counter art): Those are weird.
Brooke ('Alohilani): What are they?
Alan (DM): Two-headed flying manta rays.
János (CLAVDIVS): Albino two-headed flying manta rays.

Alan (DM): Did you have uncanny dodge at one point, [John]? No, you just didn't have any Dex, which is like uncanny dodge.

Doc (Frostcloud): That'll teach you to appear out of the snow right in front of me, Mr Dead Manta Ray.

Alan (DM): Move 'im 120 feet but keep 'im on the map in case anyone chases him down like a bloodthirsty animal.

János (CLAVDIVS): I threaten.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Is he there?
Alan (DM): Yes, he's there.  This is the worst blur ever.

János (CLAVDIVS): We've taught them a lesson, a lesson they won't soon forget.
Doc (Frostcloud): Unless they have incredibly short-term memories. They're like goldfish, the goldfish of the frozen wastelands.

John (Uthar): Are they carrying anything?
János (CLAVDIVS): Do they have any body parts with culinary or aphrodisiac value on the black market?

Alan (DM): John, you notice an oily substance on your fingers, as if you were just handling a poisoned weapon.
János (CLAVDIVS): Don't lick your fingers
Doc (Frostcloud): And whatever you do, don't go to the bathroom just yet.

Gordon (Ulf): I combined a ring of feather fall with a ring of sustenance.
Alan (DM): So if he falls from orbit he won't starve on the way down.

John (Uthar): What's the weather doing today?
Doc (Frostcloud): Five degrees below open-up-your-tauntaun-and-climb-in-to-stay-warm.

Gordon (Ulf): Why don't you fly up with me while I spiderclimb the cliff, ['Alohilani].
János (CLAVDIVS): This is just like how Star Trek V opened.

Alan (DM): You wanna pull a funny prank on your friends in Sharn? Jump off a ledge and cast regroup.

Gordon (examining an item description): It doesn't say that.
John (Uthar): Because you didn't finish reading it?

John (Uthar): Two of us don't need to eat.
Doc (Frostcloud): Three of us.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Actually I can make food, too.
János (CLAVDIVS): I'm a normal person and I actually have to consume sustenance.
Doc (Frostcloud): You are so behind the times; rings of sustenance are the iPods of mythic medieval adventurers.

John (using his artifact to communicate with Urskans with the ability tongues): I shout out, "Hellooo, we come to trade and seek your wise council."  Or something like that.
Doc (Frostcloud): Only we hear "Grrrraaaaough!"
Brooke ('Alohilani): Actually it turns out they speak Common, so we hear, "Hellooo, we come to trade..."

John (Uthar): At the last second I shout "We can heal your sick!"
Doc (Frostcloud): "We can heal your wounded and wound your healed."
John (Uthar): "We taste good with chives...no wait!  I mean..."

Gordon (Ulf): I say "White dragons are pussies!"
John (Uthar): That's a -5 to your Diplomacy check?
Alan (DM): -5 is his Diplomacy check.

János (CLAVDIVS): How do you spell that?
Alan (DM): U-R-S-K-A-N.
Doc (Frostcloud): The 'K' makes it sound cool.
John (Uthar): Dude, bears don't have a 'C' in their language. They're much more intelligent than that.

Gordon (Ulf): Why don't you cure light wounds me till I vomit.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Oh my god, I'd never do that 'cause I wouldn't have a wand left.

János (squeezing behind a chair): D'oh, I just stepped on a 20 foot burst.
Alan (DM): I'm sorry; did you take 6d6 points of fire damage?

John (Uthar): I don't like thinking of myself as at the mercy of fate, or the gods, or prophecy.
Gordon (Ulf): Or a dickish DM?

János (in announcer's voice): "The game show that asks, how well do you really know the back of your hand?"
John (Uthar): Is that from You Don't Know Jack?
János (CLAVDIVS): Not at all.  It's just something I've always wanted to say aloud.

Gordon (Ulf): Let's go tell them; it's a big crevasse. Actually I just yell up: "It's a big crevasse."
Alan (DM): It collapses on you.

Alan (DM): You managed to befriend the evil tribe and kill the neutral tribe. I'm just amused by this. It's not wrong; the game is.

Gordon (Ulf): There'll probably be fewer random encounters at the bottom of a crevasse.

Alan (DM): When everything becomes quiet, you hear a short whisper and a whisper response.
John (Uthar): Do I know what language it is?
Alan (DM): No, but you understand it.
János (CLAVDIVS): "Do you think they speak such-and-such?" "Probably not."

Brooke ('Alohilani): Can I see one of the counters? Gross!
Alan (DM): That is two goblins occupying the same space. Two goblins stuck together.
János (CLAVDIVS): Siamese goblins?
Alan (DM): They're called dolgrims, and you're relieved to remember that they are the least of the servants of the daelkyr.

Doc (Frostcloud): I'll roll initiative as soon as my computer stops thrashing like a wounded moth.

Alan (DM): Those are dolgaunts, which are not the least of the servants of the daelkyr.

Doc (Frostcloud): Back in my day .pdf things were called books.

Alan (DM): The dolgaunts are all in one group, for sanity's sake.
János (CLAVDIVS): And there are two mindflayers, for insanity's sake.

John (Uthar): I'm torn between being horribly ineffectual and being dangerously rash.
Alan (DM): This is the story of your life.

Alan (to himself): That's funny. I'm just going to ignore that for a moment.
John (Uthar): Okay. We will too.

Alan (DM): The mindflayer full attacks you, [Gordon].
Doc (Frostcloud): He rips off your limbs in clockwise order and then eats your brains.

Doc (Frostcloud): I really think you should do that thing you do.  It's like that Tom Hanks move except everyone dies.

Doc (Frostcloud): What the map doesn't show is that they're walking over the corpses of their fallen comrades.
Alan (DM): Yeah, but they hated Orange Squad.  Fuckers always cut in line at the cafeteria.

Alan (DM): The other mindflayer attacks the nearest dolgrim.
Gordon (Ulf): Best confusion ever!
Doc (Frostcloud): Does it eats its brain? That'll keep it occupied a while.
Alan (DM): Huh?
Gordon (Ulf): It's got two brains!

Alan (DM): One of them hits! Does he confirm on a 16? No? He does a point of damage! The dolgrim have done something!

John (Uthar): I coup de grace the large mindflayer. 31 points of damage.
Alan (DM): He becomes medium and less tentacly and more dead. And, this is the fun part: his armor hops off and tries to run away.

Alan (DM): Do you hit it? It has a pretty good AC; it is armor!.

Gordon (Ulf): He may extract my brain.
János (CLAVDIVS): Is that really a handicap for a barbarian, though?

John (Uthar): Are you even on the map?
Doc (Frostcloud): Yes, I'm the invisible one.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Good, good roleplaying there, John.

Alan (Muroni): "This, in the business, is known as a metaprophecy."

John (Uthar): That was interesting. We got to do a whole lot of cool stuff, and we got to do it all in a hurry so we never have to come back here.

Gordon (Ulf): Have you seen 300 yet?
Doc (Frostcloud): Supreme Cleave: The Movie.

Jon (Nukumal): Any idea where Tome of Battle would be? Under 'T' for Tome of Battle?
Alan (DM): Actually, on the coffee table.
John (Uthar): On the coffee table under 'T' for Tome of Battle.

Doc (examining new mini): I have keys to things I don't know why I have keys to. That's appropriate!

Jon (Nukumal): Is that really your name?
Doc (Frostcloud): Stormchant Frostcloud. Yeah, I rolled it on a table.
Jon (Nukumal): What, the Stormriders name table?

Gordon (Ulf): Jon, you should hit me.
Jon (getting out of chair): Okay. Where?
Gordon (Ulf): In the jimmy.
*Jon moves toward Gordon*
Gordon (Ulf): In game! In game!
Jon (Nukumal): We're gaming right now!
Gordon (Ulf): Not at game! In game!

Jon (Nukumal): I don't know that I feel comfortable attacking this; I mean, it hasn't made any overtly hostile...
Alan (DM): I assure you, you can tell it has your best interests furthest from its mind.

Jon (Nukumal): Dude! I'm being attacked by a giant tongue!

Jon (Nukumal): You're such a homophobe, Gordon.
Gordon (Ulf): Hey...
Jon (Nukumal): And such a cockthirsty homophobe at that.
Doc (Frostcloud): Everyone has a word they use just to sound smart. For Jon, that word is 'cockthirsty.'

Alan (DM): You could make a spellcraft check with a minus 15 penalty.
Doc (Frostcloud): Somehow I'm okay trying that. *rolls* 22.

Alan (DM): She attacks you with a kama.
Jon (Nukumal): With a comma?
János (CLAVDIVS): At least she's not going at you with a period.

Gordon (Ulf): It turns out the last name 'Smith' is more common than the last name 'Johnson'.
Jon (Nukumal): Of course, because 'Smith' is the most common surname in America! Why would you say something idiotic like that?
Gordon (Ulf): How can I respond to something that moronic?
John (Uthar): And yet, you're still talking.
Gordon (Ulf): Well, yeah, I--
Alan (DM): SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
Gordon (Ulf): NO!

János (CLAVDIVS): Anyway, I hit AC 42.
John (Uthar): That's a big number.

Gordon (Ulf): I wish I had a population clock.
Jon (Nukumal): I've got a population clock...
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah, well, a lot of people do.
Jon (Nukumal): In my balls.
Doc (Frostcloud): You know, I both miss you and not.
Jon (Nukumal): I'm right here!

János (estimating an attack roll): That's a 27ish.
Alan (DM): Well, you should figure out what it is.
János (CLAVDIVS): Um, actually it's a 35.

Alan (DM): 40 points? You attack and it blinks out of existence.
Jon (Nukumal): "You shall taste no more, foul tongue!"

Doc (Frostcloud): How about you wait to punch Gordon in the jimmy until after you kill your sworn enemy?
Jon (Nukumal): They're not my sworn racial enemy; I'm their sworn racial enemy. It's completely different.

Jon (Nukumal): Should 'jimmy' be capitalized?
Everyone else: No!
Jon (Nukumal): It just looks wrong without it.

Jon (Nukumal): Hey, Alan! Why don't I tell everyone what I did on my summer vacation?
Alan (DM): "By Nukumal, age 583?"
Doc (Frostcloud): Yeah, and by him, he means you.

Alan (DM): This isn't going to resolve quite as tritely as usual. Abruptly the guards get much more standoffish with you. It turns out the two you killed were Riedran diplomats.
Doc (Frostcloud): This is just like Lethal Weapon 2 but in Eberron.

Gordon (Ulf): I believe you, but only because you're the DM.

Jon (Nukumal): How do you spell 'Riedran'?
Alan (DM): R-I-E-D-R-A-N
Doc (Frostcloud): If you're going to keep killing them you're going to have to learn to spell their name.

Alan (DM): Here's your loot. The blonde had a Riedran crysteel falchion...
Gordon (not typing): Hold on. I don't know how to spell 'Riedran'.

Jon (Nukumal): So all I need to do now is become more charismatic and intelligent.
Gordon (Ulf): (Laughs)
Jon (Nukumal): I don't see why that's so funny.
Gordon (Ulf): Outside of game it's so true.
János (CLAVDIVS): He was talking about his character?

Jon (Nukumal): Why is my chair suddenly slippery?
Doc (Frostcloud): Maybe it's your ass.
Jon (Nukumal): Why is my ass suddenly slippery?
Doc (Frostcloud): That's the real question!

Alan (DM): "I have a job for you. It pays well, and it needs doing discreetly."
Jon (Nukumal): "Does it involve killing someone?"
Alan (DM): "Not directly."
Jon (Nukumal): "Okay, I'm shocked. I'd like to hear more."

Jon (Nukumal): I'm how many thousands of years old, and my soul is split among hundreds of people, most of who all live in the same monastery.
John (Uthar): And yet you still seem so immature.

Gordon (Ulf): Wait a minute, I could take their horses.
János (CLAVDIVS): But he'd rather their horses took him.

Alan (DM): The horse whinnies at you incoherently.
Gordon (Ulf): What?
Alan (DM): What happens when a creature without language "babbles incoherently"?

Alan (DM): The Valenar believe that a death in battle ensures them a place in blah-blah-blah.
Jon (Nukumal): The cemetery?
Gordon (Ulf): So they're crappy Spartans?

János (CLAVDIVS): Why do girls all like horses?
Alan (DM): Because they have huge cocks.

Doc (Frostcloud): What'd I miss?
John (Uthar): One guy ran off 400 feet on a horse that was confused and fleeing, and is trying to kill his horse.
Alan (DM): Now the horse has to attack the guy. We'll just assume that goes badly for both of them.

John (Uthar): I'm firmly opposed to using magic to solve problems.
Jon (Nukumal): Except when confusion solves a problem.
John (Uthar): Killing isn't to solve a problem, it's just fun.
Jon (Nukumal): And you call me bloodthirsty?

János (CLAVDIVS): John, your healthy lunch sickens me!
John (Uthar): I tried to buy junk food and they're not selling it today.

Gordon (Ulf): Can you just say 'roaming halfling bands' one more time?
Alan (DM): No.

Alan (DM): You're at the extreme western edge of the Talenta Plains...
Gordon (whispers to Jon): Has anyone made a 'polenta' joke yet?

Gordon (Ulf): Are the roaming halfling bands aggressive like the elves are aggressive?
Alan (DM): They're not 'oh-my-god-we're-going-to-flay-the-flesh-from-your-bones-and-eat-you' kind of aggressive.

Gordon (Ulf): Mark of doom!
Jon (Nukumal): Actually, it's doom of Mark. It's a much more specific spell, actually.

Gordon (Ulf): You have a mark, right?
John (Uthar): No I don't.
Gordon (Ulf): Yeah, a dragonmark.
John (Uthar): No, Mark's a dude, dude. I don't swing that way.

John (Uthar): I would go ask the conductor what's wrong, but prior experience has taught me not to.

Brooke ('Alohilani): Gordon has given me carte blanc to...
Gordon (Ulf): Carte blanche.
János (CLAVDIVS): Has given you carte blanc to mess up French loanwords.

Doc (Frostcloud): True celestials are not capable of committing evil acts, therefore they cannot "be evil."
Jon (Nukumal): Of course they can. Remember that Hound Archon? He was a total asshole.

Brooke ('Alohilani): There appear to be salamanders digging up the conductor stones.
Jon (Nukumal): Salamanders? The little lizards that live in rivers?
Gordon (Ulf): They're not lizards; they're amphibians!
Jon (Nukumal): Like we have zoology in this universe!

Jon (Nukumal): Can I ask a stupid question I've always wondered about? How did aquatic amphibians come to be identified with evil creatures born of fire?
Alan (DM): I don't know who decided little stupid lizards...
Gordon (Ulf): They're not stupid!
János (CLAVDIVS): They're not lizards!

Doc (Frostcloud): Okay, when I showed up you said "Nothing has happened yet." I think CLAVDIVS turning into a half-dragon counts as something!

John (Uthar): This character doesn't have anything weird that affects damage, does he.
Alan (DM): You just take the numbers away; isn't that exciting.

Gordon (Ulf): Does anyone know where my big 15-inch ruler is?
Jon (Nukumal): No, but I know where your tiny 15-inch ruler is.

Alan (DM): Let's throw the minis in [the glass of water]!
Gordon (Ulf): Why isn't János laughing?

Doc (Frostcloud): I've got a Ph.D. in kicking your ass!

John (Uthar): I hit armor class 17.
Alan (DM): That misses.
Jon (Nukumal): Wow, I didn't know we could do that!
John (Uthar): Can I miss in a really threatening manner?

Alan (DM): There's one guy left.
Jon (Nukumal): I kill him. You're going to make me roll, aren't you?
Alan (DM): You could still miss.
Jon (Nukumal): I'm not even going to bother with a special attack. AC 22.
Alan (DM): You miss!

Alan (DM): You lead the efforts to replace the conductor stones.
John (Uthar): I don't lead, I delegate.
Doc (Frostcloud): Make a craft: bureaucracy check. To create an ad hoc bureaucracy in the field.

Alan (DM): How are you planning to get from Gatherhold to Griffonclaw.
Doc (Frostcloud): The same thing we always do: buy horses, ride them somewhere, kill them, eat them, and then fight something.

John (Uthar): I say 'Thanks, Frosty.'
Gordon (Ulf): Did you just call him Frosty?
Doc (Frostcloud): I say 'you're welcome', and then harbor a deep, burning resentment over the nickname you've just given me.

Alan (DM): Griffonclaw's at the very northern edge of Valenar.
John (Uthar): Oh right, where all the assholes are from.

Alan (DM): When you two say "music", you almost mean two completely different things!
Jon (Nukumal): Because my definition includes Throbbing Gristle?

John (Uthar): Do we have anyone in the party who can track.
Alan (DM): The rest of the party has you for that.
John (Uthar): I'm only good at tracking things in bars.
Doc (Frostcloud): 'This trail of vomit leads directly to their hideout!'

Alan (DM): You need The Books of Uncertain Provenance, [Doc].
Gordon (Ulf): No you don't; those are terrible!
Alan (DM): But they have such a great name; how can they be bad?

Gordon (Ulf): I feel like we're in combat with Vermont hicks.

Doc (Frostcloud): We can have a philosophical discussion about this in which I will kick your ass.

Gordon (Ulf): Are we the protagonists in this movie?
Doc (Frostcloud): Well a DM keeps following us around.

Gordon (Ulf): Opposed ride checks; that sounds pretty kick ass.
Doc (Frostcloud): It's never going to happen again!

Jon (Nukumal): This is why I play role-playing games. My entire life has been leading up to this point; after this I'm done with D&D.

Doc (Frostcloud): He's taking the lead on mathematical uncertainty.

Alan (DM): The Great Carver is the equivalent of the earthly Megaraptor, but obviously they don't name their dinosaurs in Latin here.

Jon (Nukumal): Oh, it was my last character that could negotiate; this character is just really obstinate.
Doc (Frostcloud): 'I want the Great Carver. Staring contest!'

Jon (Nukumal): The DM clearly doesn't want me to have my own dinosaur, 'cause he's an asshole.

Alan (DM): Don't argue over the privilege of using the word 'weenis.' 'Cause I'll give you a hint; the winner is also a loser.

Alan (speaking as Kryx): 'So I just have to break into an impregnable prison-
János (CLAVDIVS): *starts humming Mission: Impossible theme*
Alan (Kryx): 'Fight my way past an army of devoted warforged and assassinate their godlike leader, the Lord of Blades. '
Jon (Nukumal): 'I am the Lord of Blades, most devoted follower of the Lord of Blades, which is me, which is awesome.'

Jon (Nukumal): Impregnable isn't what it used to be. Especially since the advent of fertility drugs.

Alan (Kryx): 'I take it you've met some of his minions.'
Doc (Frostcloud): 'Oh, 5 or 6. Near the end we were starting to scrape the bottom of the barrel.'
János (CLAVDIVS): 'I am Barrel Scraper, most devoted follower of the Lord of Blades!'

Jon (Nukumal): 'A few casualties? That's fine. These guys'll commit genocide if that's what it takes to get a job done.'
John (Uthar): Would you stop bring that up? IT'S NOT FUNNY!

John (Uthar): This is the map without borders, which is like Doctors Without Borders, only not as cool.

Gordon (Ulf): We have a long journey in front of us.
Jon (Nukumal): You think that's long, check out the bad joke I have forthcoming.

Alan (DM): The wind shifts, and a strange musky smell envelops you.
János (CLAVDIVS): Oh no, musk oxen!

Jon (Nukumal): You failed your "handle animal" check, so the horse hated you so much that it broke its own neck.

János (CLAVDIVS): Hey, Brooke's not here; we can be crass again.
Doc (Frostcloud): What do you mean "start"? When did we stop being crass when she was here?
John (Uthar): Can we not anyway? It's not like we have to keep up the home front while she's away.
Doc (Frostcloud): We should act like perfect gentlemen, just to fuck with her.
Alan (DM): We could just stop putting up the pretense of being crass. When Brooke gets back, all of our quotes can be like "I respectfully disagree with you, good sir, and would like to contest that decision."

Alan (DM): Kryx looks around in a panic and unslings his chain.
Doc (Frostcloud): That's the spirit.

Alan (DM): I don't need to read you a description of three-horns, because I assume you know what they look like.
Jon (Nukumal): They're triceratops. We just don't know their dimensions.
Alan (DM): They're demented.

Alan (DM): Have you correctly entered your current mount?
János (CLAVDIVS): I don't want to know about Jon entering his mount.

Jon (Nukumal): Oh, I should turn off bless.
Gordon (Ulf): Lani casts bless.
Jon (Nukumal): You are SUCH A BITCH.

Doc (Frostcloud): "That wizard can cast special ed on us!"
Jon (Nukumal): It's actually called short bus.
Gordon (Ulf): You guys are offensive.

Jon (Nukumal): Unfortunately, their skin is so slippery that it slides off... like a cone of cold off a duck's back!
Doc (Frostcloud): An abyssal duck... with a resistance to cold!

Doc (Frostcloud): It feels like its been a looooong time since I went.
Jon (Nukumal): It has been a long time; it's been a full round. And that includes five three-horns. That's fifteen horns!

Doc (Frostcloud): You know what the triceratops aren't going to have? Treasure.
János (CLAVDIVS): We can bluff people into buying ten really big unicorn horns.

Alan (DM): I thought you were actually going to write the word "SLOW" on the counters.
Jon (Nukumal): Now I'm tempted to, but I don't want to be that big an asshole.
Alan (DM): Well, you may fight triceratops ever again.
Jon (Nukumal): But then they can just be metaphorically slow. You know, big... lumbering...
Doc (Frostcloud): retarded...
Jon (Nukumal): From Canada...

Jon (Nukumal): So the trampling is way worse than I thought.
Doc (Frostcloud): It's a fireball that moves.

Alan (DM): I'm going to hand you the book so you can tell exactly when your horse dies.

Doc (Frostcloud): Well, if you can't step into the same river twice, you can't fight the same giant robot twice.

Gordon (Ulf): 31 points of damage.
Jon (Nukumal): Ow! I'm dead.
Gordon (Ulf): Oh, um, healed. I forgot to mention that part.

Gordon (Ulf): Can you magic missile for 700 points of damage?
Doc (Frostcloud): Not in one day.

Gordon (Ulf): [Milla Jovovich]'s a polyglot. They all are in that fucking part of the world!
János (CLAVDIVS): Europe?

Alan (DM): Doc has clearly landed because he has abandoned his altitude dice.
Doc (Frostcloud): Just because my altitude dice are not coterminous with me doesn't mean they're not applicable.

Alan (DM): 4 is attacking 5 because it's confused, and 5 is attacking 4 because "what the fuck!"

Alan (DM): The GP limit of this town is 40.
Gordon (Ulf): Thousand.
Alan (DM): Yes.
Gordon (Ulf): I just knew you were a lying sack of shit.
Alan (DM): I meant 40 thousand--
Jon (Nukumal): --and are a lying sack of shit.
Alan (DM): Well, yes.

John (Uthar): You say such horrible things.
Gordon (Ulf): Yes, but only to Alan. Well...

John (Uthar): Can I buy a disarming poison?
Alan (DM): Disarming poison?
John (Uthar): Yeah, the secondary effects make you shake, so you drop your weapon.

Alan (DM): That's what warforged do instead of sleep. They sit around and hit themselves with a hammer all night.
Jon (Nukumal): So how do we sleep?
Alan (DM): That's a problem.

Alan (DM): I like the way you th- no I don't!

Alan (DM): So I'm going to speed up this next bit a little.
Jon (Nukumal): Let me guess, our robot friend goes off, comes back a little later, and says "it's all taken care of; we can go home now."
Alan (DM): Kryx goes off to meet with the Aurum, comes back a little later, and says "okay, here's the deal..."

Jon (Nukumal): I would type that up if I wasn't covered in orange juice right now.

Alan (opening .pdf sourcebook): I will tell you something about the Keeper, once I find something out about the Keeper.

John (Uthar): Assuming we're going to help them do this evil thing, because we don't have any other options.
Jon (Nukumal): And because we have nothing better to do this weekend...

John (Uthar): [Chuul] have no hands, and instead only have giant claws that can manipulate objects the size of sheep or bigger.
Jon (Nukumal): I can manipulate...
Doc (Frostcloud): You just can't stop talking, can you?

Alan (DM): May I have some erasing juice?
Gordon (Ulf): Erasing juice?
Alan (DM): It's a very fancy word for water.

Jon (Nukumal): I like the way Gordon eats popcorn with his tongue. And by "like," I mean try to look away from at all costs.
Alan (DM): And yet, you can't look away from his hypnotic seduction.
Jon (Nukumal): It's like he's going down on a bowl.

John (Uthar): 'Alohilani should disguise herself as a half-fey.
Gordon (Ulf): Half-fey?
Alan (DM): Dragonfly wings.
John (Uthar): And giant bug eyes! She might be a half-fey, she might be an aberration. No one knows...

Doc (Frostcloud): Eberron is steampunk.
Jon (Nukumal): Except for the dearth of steam and punk.
Doc (Frostcloud): Overlooking the fire and water elementals they keep combining to make steam, sure.

Alan (DM): Here. It's a donkey cart shaped like a horse.
Jon (Nukumal): Great. It's a trojan donkey cart.
Alan (singing): TROJAN MAN!
Jon (Nukumal): I was so thinking that, but I couldn't figure out anywhere to go with it.
Alan (DM): Yeah, I decided to go with it regardless of my thoughts.

Alan (DM): I was like, "This guy's initiative modifier is wrong. Maybe he has improved initiative? No. But he's short a feat. Ha-ha, now he has improved initiative!"

Jon (Nukumal): Can't say it with a straight face, can you?
Gordon (Ulf): Nope.
János (CLAVDIVS): That's because neither Gordon's face, nor any other part of him, is straight.

Jon (Nukumal): Does this make up for my actions in the triceratops incident?
Gordon (Ulf): You were fine- You were pathetic in the triceratops incident.

Gordon (Ulf): I have DJ Tiësto albums.
Jon (Nukumal): Dude, go home.
Gordon (Ulf): I am home.
Jon (Nukumal): Are you not good enough for your home?

Doc (Frostcloud): I have 4 hit points.
Gordon (Ulf): I can't help you.
Doc (Frostcloud): I know, but it's your action and I feel like telling someone.

John (Uthar): What if he had a familiar hiding in his beard?

Doc (Frostcloud): Hey! Acid-breath his ass!
Jon (Nukumal): RIM JOB! RIM JOB!

Gordon (Ulf): [The Aurum]'re probably not evil. They're probably mixed.
Doc (Frostcloud): They're lawful greedy.

Alan (DM): In this book they choose to sort the Aurum under "Villainous Organizations." I think they're short-sighted in that.

Alan (DM): Does anyone remember what happened last session?
John (Uthar): We ambushed some innocent villains in an alley and took their evil artifact so we could give it to some other evil people.

Gordon (Ulf): You could buy one for 50 gp.
Doc (Frostcloud): I could use that money I owe you!

John (Uthar): I'm sorry; I've only been here 10 minutes and already I've been really snide. I didn't really mean that. I probably will in about an hour.

Doc (Frostcloud): Y'know, it wasn't a stupid thing you said; but you said it in a remarkably stupid way.

Gordon (Ulf): "What we do on the side"?
Alan (DM): What you do when you're inside.
Jon (Nukumal): Those both sound like porn.

John (Uthar): AUGGGHH!
Alan (DM): John is angry.
Jon (Nukumal): Now he means it.

Alan (speaking as Aurum gold coinlord): "We need you to find a particular prisoner in the Stone Ward and put this amulet around his neck."
Gordon (Ulf): "What will that do?"
Alan (DM): "Nothing... obvious."

Gordon (Ulf): "So you're going to give us plans to get in..."
Alan (as Aurum coinlord): "Not so much plans per se..."
Jon (Nukumal): "We're going to tell you where the door is."

Gordon (Ulf): Why are we going here?
John (Uthar): Because it's awesome!
Doc (Frostcloud): Because we get the chance to kill 50, maybe 60 people. A treasure trove beyond our wildest dreams and an adrenaline rush that would make Hunter S. Thompson blush?

Alan (DM): Isn't knowledge of the ancients personal?
Doc (Frostcloud): Oh, let's not think about this too hard. Aren't we all so together that we're like a single person?
Alan (DM) Then roll initiative for the party. Which one of you acts this round?

Gordon (Ulf): But that's a personal problem, and we'll talk about that when it's more appropriate to talk about personal problems.
Jon (Nukumal): What's your personal problem?
John (Uthar): We're not talking about that right now!

Gordon (Ulf): Everyone, why don't you just write that [password] down on your underwear.
Doc (Frostcloud): Because this is mythic Europe and they haven't invented that yet.
Jon (Nukumal): So we can strip down while we're going through the dungeon?
Gordon (Ulf): Well, I am wearing full plate.
Doc (Frostcloud): I just cast arcane mark on your underwear.
Jon (Nukumal): But then you have to cast read panties to read it.

Alan (as coinlord): "I understand your quarry is in the Stone Ward."
Jon (Nukumal): There's a quori in the Stone Ward?
Gordon (Ulf): They're mining their prisoners for precious metals?
Alan (coinlord) "'Quarry' might not have been the best word."

Alan (DM) What happens if you don't fulfill the contract? You are struck blind, deaf, and mute.
Jon (Nukumal): I should have taken that other stance.

Doc (Frostcloud): I'm just seeking knowledge, which is half the battle.
Gordon (Ulf): Your mom is half the battle!
Doc (Frostcloud): Dude, you wish your mom was half the battle.

Jon (Nukumal): Hello, cat. Why are you in love with me?
Alan (DM): Sorry. You have been selected.
Jon (Nukumal): For what?
Alan (DM): Processing.

Alan (DM): You're making this far more complicated than it should be. I'm talking about this being a minor inconvenience and you're talking about throwing 6th level spells at it.

John (Uthar): We just need 400 feet of chain so we can make two chain ladders.
Gordon (Ulf): Isn't the shaft just 100 feet?
John (Uthar): Yeah, so 200 feet each to make two ladders.
Gordon (Ulf): Right.
János (CLAVDIVS): Sure, but we'll need more than 400 feet.
Jon (Nukumal): No, that's exactly enough.
János (CLAVDIVS): To make the sides! I assume we want rungs on these ladders?

Alan (DM): You guys are amazing at taking simple obstacles and overplanning them.

Gordon (recording the purchase of a Khyber compass): I'm spelling 'compass' with a K.
Alan (DM): And an H?
Gordon (Ulf): It does now!
John (Uthar): And don't use an A, use a Y.
Doc (Frostcloud): And Z's instead of S's. Or throw in a dollar sign.
Gordon (Ulf): I'll make the Z's capital.
Alan (DM): Put an umlaut over something.
Gordon (Ulf): I can't.
Jon (Nukumal): Then put an E after one of the other vowels.

Jon (Nukumal): Do they have golems?
John (Uthar): Somebody does somewhere.

Doc (Frostcloud): The thing is we kill them and get our money back. It's like a rebate, only you have to kill someone.

Jon (Nukumal): Each head is a whole hydra. That's how badass it is.

Alan (DM): You're provoking? Yay, I get to roll more dice than I own again!

Brooke ('Alohilani): I'm not a fiend, honey; I don't get fire resistance. I'm from the other side of the fence; we get acid resistance.
Gordon (Ulf): That sucks.
Jon (Nukumal): Unless you happen to breathe on her.
Doc (Frostcloud): If you wanted to date in game, it would be pretty important.

Gordon (Ulf): We've all taken 'ignore unimportant detail.'
Doc (Frostcloud): We've taken 'don't annoy DM'.
Jon (Nukumal): Wait, when have we ever done that?
Doc (Frostcloud): Everyone took it but you!

Gordon (Ulf): Is it another hydra? No, it's a donkey, a unicorn, and an armoire!
Alan (DM): I found really good counters for everything except for these, so I chose counters that were as unlike them as possible, so no one will glance at the map and think 'Oh, I'm fighting an armoire.'

Alan (DM): They look really fucked up.
Jon (Nukumal): I KNOW! I mean, they're rainbow-colored, and pulsing, and trancey, and the FUCKING FLESH-COLORED TREES WITH TENTACLES is already PRETTY FUCKED UP before taking the four-on-the-floor into account.

Jon (acting first): Should I bother going through the pretense of assuming something's not trying to kill me?

Alan (DM): The wound burns in a fortitude-save-requiring way.

Doc (Frostcloud): "What is failure? It is the condition of not succeeding."
Gordon (Ulf): That comes up on law exams more often than you'd think.
John (Uthar): "What are cookies? Cookies are delicious."

Jon (Nukumal): How is "timberdoodle" a worse word than "woodcock"?
Gordon (Ulf): I like woodcock!
Jon (Nukumal): I'm sure you do. And that's far from being the least homosexual thing I've ever heard you say.

John (Uthar): I provoke an attack of opportunity from the ungulates.
Gordon (Ulf): The armoire is so an ungulate!
John (Uthar): Dude! Casters!
Gordon (Ulf): Oh, yeah.
Jon (Nukumal): The real question is: are armoires kosher?
Gordon (Ulf): Not when they've been varnished with shrimp and bacon. It keeps the Jewish wood eaters away.

Doc (Frostcloud): "Unicorn is about to die. Unicron is a giant planet-eating planet."

Alan (DM): These are prismatic ropers.
Gordon (Ulf): Oh my god; they're so much lamer than ropers!
Alan (DM) They're like ropers, only they're blinkier and don't kill you.

John (Uthar): Why am I acting a second time? No I'm not, because I was Kryx before.
Gordon (Ulf): You should've seen him in the 70s; he was so much worse then!
Jon (Nukumal): When he was 1?
Gordon (Ulf): Dude, he didn't even have object permanence!

Doc (clicking the wrong link): That's a sahuagin. That's not a spell.

Alan (DM): She looks halfway between someone going for the goth look and someone who's been up for three days being attacked by rats.

Gordon (running up to the enemies): I didn't just fuck up your day, did I, Doc?
Doc (Frostcloud): No, not horribly. I mean, you have evasion, right?

Alan (DM): We can just run through these encounters in a loop until we get bored. Oh, wait...

Jon (Nukumal): Don't hate the player, hate the DM!

Gordon (Ulf): What was the multi-legged thing called?
Alan (DM): Everything you fought had more than one leg.

John (Uthar): What are those things that are found in glaciers? Margays, martins, mongeese?
János (CLAVDIVS): Marl?
Jon (Nukumal): Sussurus.
John (Uthar): That doesn't start with M.
János (CLAVDIVS): Mumbledypeg? Micturate? Morganatic?
John (Uthar): The things that are like weasels.
János (CLAVDIVS): Martins? Those don't live in glaciers; glaciers are full of ice.
John (Uthar): I didn't say glaciers. When did I say glaciers?
János (CLAVDIVS): You said glaciers.
John (long pause): Oops.

Jon (Nukumal): Gollum is different than golems.

Alan (DM): ...and you turn around a corner and find a really big door.
Jon (Nukumal): ...that leads to a plastic sheet with a map drawn on it covered in pieces of paper?
Gordon (Ulf): Dude. Suspend.

Alan (DM): The minis should be looming.
János (CLAVDIVS): They're miniatures; they can't loom!

Doc (Frostcloud): Does anybody else know how to dispel magic?
Jon (Nukumal): Well, I've been watching you, and I think I can give it a try if you'd like.

Doc (Frostcloud): 'It's not a traaap!'
Jon (Nukumal): What's that from?
Doc (Frostcloud): Dude, you lose your right to be Jon!
Jon (Nukumal): It's the day after my birthday; I don't have to know shit.

Alan (DM): There are multiple abjuration auras up the hole.
Gordon (Ulf): DUDE! That's just not right!

Doc (Frostcloud): I cast fly.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Shall we fly up the shaft together and deal with this stuff?
Jon (Nukumal): If you need help I can climb up the shaft too.
Gordon (Ulf): I [spider]climb up the shaft.
*everyone looks at János*
János (CLAVDIVS): I can activate my ring [of the white wyrm], cast freezing fog, and then icewalk up the shaft.
Jon (Nukumal): What?
Doc (Frostcloud): You don't understand; János is twinking for the first time; I'm so proud.

Alan (DM): If you don't think it's funny, you just don't understand the tone I'm trying to create.

Brooke ('Alohilani): It's going to be a short day, isn't it?
Jon (Nukumal): It's going to be a long day, because even if it's a TPK it'll take forever to run through it.

János (CLAVDIVS): Whose action is it?
Alan (DM): One of me.

Gordon (Ulf): Anything else bad happen?
Alan (DM): Oh yes.

Gordon (Ulf): Kryx scratches his metallic balls while he waits for the next strikes to come in this combat.

Gordon (Ulf): One of the major threats in this combat is now a corpse--
Jon (Nukumal): --YEAH, ME!

Alan (DM): I should have printed off a new character sheet for [Kryx], but I forgot. Actually I didn't find his sheet until ten minutes before gaming. He was hiding under the battle mat.
Jon (running Kryx): I hang out with the stupidest people.

Gordon (Ulf): Did you just kill the NPC as I handed the character sheet to Jon?

Jon (Kryx): Are you playing Xbox?
Brooke (playing Xbox): No.

Jon (Kryx): Is he dead?
Gordon (Ulf): We're just waiting for Kryx to be killed so we can go home and never play this campaign again

Jon (Kryx): This is why I never play rogues. They have skills you have to think about, and do shit for damage in non-contrived situations.

Alan (DM): Kryx?
János (CLAVDIVS): Kryx?
Jon (Kryx): Sorry, I'm not used to that name.
János (CLAVDIVS): Kryxmal, Kryxmal!

Alan (DM): I wasn't expecting that to happen.
Gordon (Ulf): Really? I thought you were a raging asshole.

Jon (Nukumal): I should resurrect my character falsely.
Alan (DM): 'Falsely'?
Jon (Nukumal): Well, I'm not true resurrecting my character, and Aristotelian logic dictates that untrue things are false.

Jon (Nukumal): Can you remind me what killed me horribly last time?
Alan (DM): You were cut to ribbons by a slaughterstone eviscerator.
Jon (Nukumal): What can I do to prevent that from ever happening again?

Alan (DM): Goodberry port is fortified goodberry wine.
John (Uthar): So it also gets you drunk?

Alan (DM): Your previous travel expenses were a combination of John weaseling, and mooching off Frostcloud's stuff.

Gordon (Ulf): We're not really in any rush... to face the Lord of Blades and our imminent demise.

Alan (as NPC): "I take it you already have gathered plenty of information on the Lord of Blades."
Gordon (Ulf): He has devoted followers.

Alan (DM): The Glowing Chasm is believed to be the source of the mutant creatures, or the source of whatever makes creatures mutant.
John (Uthar): We should totally go down there.
Gordon (Ulf): I totally need Spidey powers.

Jon (Nukumal): It's like a Neo-Gygaxism? 'Normal creature with extra limbs.'

Alan (DM): You assuage Kryx by saying 'Let's just go kill the Lord of Blades directly; come on, it'll be fun.'

Alan (DM): Does anyone have Kryx?
János (CLAVDIVS): Is he under the battle mat again?

Alan (DM): The north of Cyre was once known for its artists' colonies and cultivation of...
János (CLAVDIVS): ...Pot.

Alan (DM): The mist parts and you step out of the depressing mists into the depressing, blasted wastes of the Mournlands.

Gordon (Ulf): We should tie ourselves together or something.
Jon (Nukumal): Well, let's find a roper. *receives strange looks* What, you think rope GROWS ON TREES? No! IT GROWS ON ROPERS!

Gordon (Ulf): Jesus! There is no god! ...That really doesn't work, does it?

Alan (DM): János, put the minis on the map.
János (singing to the tune of Drowning Pool): 'Put the minis on the map, put the minis on the map, put the minis on the maaaaaap!'
Jon (Nukumal): Shut up. I mean, you'll never be as funny as the original song.

Gordon (Ulf): That's kind of weird.
Alan (DM): You passed through a grey mist that tried to depress you, into a blasted wasteland where healing doesn't work and bodies don't decay. Everything is weird.

János (CLAVDIVS): As last session showed, Jon doesn't mind being the second person to charge in and die.

Gordon (Ulf): You were going to blip onto one [of the griffon zombies]?
John (Uthar): They have a saddle and everything!

Alan (DM): I've started rolling attacks for ones that aren't attacking yet, so I'll just go ahead and finish, and if they kill you you'll get an action before you die.
Jon (Nukumal): If we die, do we die no matter what we do?
Alan (DM): Don't ask. I'm not going to figure out the rules for something that won't happen.

Jon (Nukumal): Alan, I have a really esoteric question. Now that I've been resurrected, how many action points should I have?

Jon (Nukumal): Dude, I only did 17 points of damage. I think that's worth canceling the attack and doing something else.

János (CLAVDIVS): I bite the zombie. ...And it tastes just like [mumble].
Jon (Nukumal): WHAT DID YOU SAY?
János (CLAVDIVS): I said, 'It tastes just like mummy.'
John (Uthar): Did you hear 'Hmong meat,' too?

Gordon (Ulf): Kryx is standing next to somebody; he finds that repugnant.

Alan (DM): She hits a flat-footed AC of 25.
Brooke ('Alohilani): Guess what? She misses. I say "You're pathetic" as a free action.
John (Uthar): You're hot.

Alan (DM): She seems to have special training, as if she can stand between two people and not be easier to hit. It seems as if perhaps you are not roguey enough.
John (Uthar): I keep going and say "All yours, Kryx."

Brooke ('Alohilani): I touch her.
Gordon (Ulf): Come on touching!
Jon (Nukumal): Why are you so into touching?
Gordon (Ulf): Girl-on-girl action!

Gordon (Ulf): Kill that man quickly; he's got money!

John (Uthar): By the way, I worship air and fire now.
Brooke ('Alohilani): I'm very persuasive.
John (Uthar): Or maybe I just think I worship air and fire.
János (CLAVDIVS): The sad thing is, he really worships Earth, Wind, and Fire.
Jon (Nukumal): That's really sad.
Gordon (Ulf): Are we having a bizarre conversation here?

Brooke ('Alohilani): I rolled crappy damage.
Gordon (Ulf): We're not complaining.
Jon (Nukumal): I'll complain you!
János (CLAVDIVS): 'Complain' is not a transitive verb.
Jon (Nukumal): Neither is 'your mom.' I'll your mom you!
Gordon (Ulf): Who says that?
Jon (Nukumal): I do. Weren't you listening just now?

John (Uthar): Is he speaking in warforged? A language that can be spoken only by those with circular teeth?

Alan (DM): Sorry... distracted.
Gordon (Ulf): Girls do that.
John (Uthar): Thank God.
Gordon (Ulf): Girls are the best thing since... girls are the best thing. It's hard to pre-date them.
János (CLAVDIVS): Or date them.
Gordon (Ulf): That wasn't really witty, but it was still funny.

János (CLAVDIVS): The bite won't hurt her.
Gordon (Ulf): She's hot and nearly dead; you might as well get your mouth all over her while you still can.

Gordon (Ulf): That's how I like my girls: unconscious and bleeding.
Alan (DM): You're just workin' for the hurtin', aren't you?
Gordon (Ulf): I'm sorry, it just comes out!

Alan (DM): 'I like my quarters like I like my women: three at a time getting my laundry done.'

Alan (DM): Who remembered what happened last time?
Gordon (Ulf): John destroyed loot.

Gordon (Ulf): Oh good, we're on the map. You know what that means? We're gonna get jacked!

Alan (DM): Let's see... these guys can't hide, so you'll see them automatically at the encounter distance.

Alan (DM): They are huge (huge in both the game mechanical and descriptive sense), strangely bloated, mutated, headless ogres with tendrils protruding from the still-bleeding stumps of their necks.

Jon (Nukumal): Do they seem intelligent?
Alan (DM): You don't know. But remember, they don't have heads.
Jon (Nukumal): THEY DON'T HAVE HEADS?
Alan (DM): That was a critical part of the description. They're ogres without heads...
Jon (Nukumal): Well, I caught the "ogre" part.
Alan (DM): But not the "no heads" part?
Jon (Nukumal): Hey! I was looking at a picture of a man riding a giant chicken... that I took myself!

John (Uthar): So they're not that tough.
Gordon (Ulf): Other than the 137 points of damage in a round!
John (Uthar): That's not tough, that's mean.

Alan (DM): I'm not really sure this is an appropriate warm-up encounter.
John (Uthar): Wait, were they supposed to be fighting each other?

Alan (DM): Well that was an unusually exciting EL 11 encounter. Those were CR 9 creatures.
Everyone: No they weren't.
Jon (Nukumal): Well, we dropped them as fast as they dropped us.

Jon (Nukumal): So can we rest for the night after our warm-up encounter?

Gordon (Ulf): We're going to the Purple Shaft, dude. I mean Purple Chasm.
Alan (DM): I think he means to say the Glowing Chasm, which is infinitely less gay.

Alan (DM): The first thing that happens is 'Lani yells 'Dude!' Only she yells it in a much more demure fashion.
Brooke ('Alohilani): 'By the light of Syrania!'

Alan (DM): They knuckle-walk like gorillas but in all other respects they look like alligators.

Brooke ('Alohilani): *making Knowledge: Arcana check*
Gordon (Ulf): Just so you know, Doc's dead body rolls better than you.

Jon (Nukumal): That's what happens when you spend a round running up to enemies in a slower party. From now on I'm a relaxed encounterer who lets monsters come to him. I've learned my lesson.

Alan (DM): Jon is trying to flee the arbitrary borders of the map, and the map is following him.

Alan (DM): Perhaps [these boulders] were thrown into the air when this crack was smote into the earth. Or smote out of the earth; I suppose you don't know.

Gordon (Ulf): John's making up house rules again.
John (Uthar): And equipment.

Jon (Nukumal): Tenser's floating colonoscopy.
Alan (DM): I don't want to know why you just said that.

Alan (on phone with work): I'm kind of in the middle of something, so now isn't the greatest time to chat-
Jon (Nukumal): Baaaaa, baaaaa.

János (CLAVDIVS): So you keep claiming we know exactly what these are, only none of us actually do.
Alan (DM): They're winter wolves only with cold replaced by fire and wolves with alligators. Originally they were summer wolves, only I couldn't find any wolf counters, so they became flamegators.

John (Uthar): It is a voodoo ham radio shack.

Gordon (Ulf): *pretending to punch János*
János (CLAVDIVS): That was unnecessary.
Gordon (Ulf): My entire existence is unnecessary.

Alan (DM): You have removed all [party] characters with a poor fortitude save through a process of attrition.
John (Uthar): Actually you have removed...

John (arguing why Brooke should cast benediction on him instead of János): We have the same fortitude but I owe you more money.

Alan (DM): He says "I am the Lord of Blades. You have faced my most devoted followers. Now face me."

Jon (Nukumal): I can run in and die now; this is the final countdown. I don't--
Gordon (singing Laibach): It's the final--
Jon (Nukumal): --SHUT UP, BITCH.

Alan (DM): I should point out one of the slaad is wearing full-plate and the other is naked.
Jon (Nukumal): Does clothing preference indicate any difference among slaad?
John (Uthar): No, it just means the naked one isn't going to pull anything out of its pockets.

Alan (DM): One of the small robots hands the Lord of Blades a bow.
Jon (Nukumal): He can't use a bow! What the hell is this shit?

Alan (DM): The Lord of Blades fires an arrow at you.
Gordon (Ulf): Does he hit me?
Alan (DM): I don't know; he's not very good at this.

Jon (Nukumal): The Lord of Blades has-
Alan (DM): -two homunculi who follow him around named Hilt and Pommel.
Jon (Nukumal): Lazy bum should carry 'is own weapons. I mean, what a wuss.

Alan (DM): I'm making up an arbitrary mechanic for this: strength opposed by balance.

John (Uthar): Can I do something less conventional since you're doing something unconventional?

Alan (DM): That guy breaks through the wall and says 'Oh yeah!'
Jon (Nukumal): I wanna fight him!

Alan (DM): You've been so patient about approaching them you forgot to hurt them.

Jon (Nukumal): The naked one is the one I'm fighting, isn't it? The one who's about to beat me to death with his giant slaad dick.
John (Uthar): They have cloaca.
Jon (Nukumal): That would be a worse thing to be beaten to death with, I will freely stipulate.

Gordon (Ulf): I get a 59 on my jump check.

Alan (DM): This list of [the Lord of Blades'] immunity is just silly.
Jon (Nukumal): Why, does it include clown damage?

Alan (DM): So there's some check he should make while ziplining... He makes a supervillain check.

John (Uthar): [CLAVDIVS], you just bit a robot to death.

Alan (DM): There's just nowhere to go. He'll just start backing out dramatically toward the precipice, because that's what supervillains do.

Gordon (Ulf): [Combat]'s been streamlined because of János.
Jon (Nukumal): Why?
Gordon (Ulf): Because he keeps killing things that had initiative cards.

Alan (DM): Hilt dies. The Lord of Blades dies.
Gordon (Ulf): ...Because when a homunculus dies it deals-
Alan (DM): 2d10 damage to its creator.

Jon (Nukumal): I tie a rope around the Lord of Blades' body and start dragging it back.
Alan (DM): He's covered in blades. The rope snaps.

Jon (Nukumal): I remembered why I always charged into combat.
Alan (DM): Because it's boring to hang out in the back.