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"Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil" Quotes 2

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"Fortunately dice float in Red Bull." - Jon (Dave)
"What?" - Gordon (Palen)
"Wait, no; it just landed on top of an ice cube." - Jon (Dave)

"We should totally do a scatter diagram of our rolling patterns." - Jon (Dave)

"There's chairs around a table with playing cards on it." - Alan (DM)
"Cool, playing cards. We haven't seen those since the gnome." - Chase (Mordicai)

"At some point in the near future is someone going to open the curtain?" - Alan (DM)
"We may push Dave through." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Okay, everyone had a round to tell me not to do this, and no one yelled 'Don't touch the curtain,' so I'm gonna." - Jon (Dave)

"There's a ledge. It's 50 feet down to the surface of the lake. There's no railing or anything." - Alan (DM)
"That's so in violation of fire code." - Jon (Dave)
"This whole place is in flagrant violation of fire code. If you could get an OSHA inspector in here, you wouldn't even have to be here. I mean, there's no Temple of Elemental Evil exemption from OSHA. Separation of church and state doesn't go that far. And you've been through 7 complexes and there've only been 2 latrines." - Alan (DM)
"And were they even handicapped accessible latrines?" - Gordon (Palen)

"The curve of the stairs is actually shallower than that; I drew it a little too tight." - Alan (DM)
"I like tight." - Gordon (Palen)

[Alan draws a circle on the map 20' across]
"What is that?" - Jon (Dave)
"Pit." - Alan (DM)
"I was worried it was a giant hairy testicle." - Jon (Dave)
"That would so be a counter." - Alan (DM)

"I don't move characters; it's one of the perks of this job." - Alan (DM)

"I'm gonna ready an action to shoot anything that comes down the stairs." - Gordon (Palen)
"Whatever; I'm gonna ignore you." - Alan (DM)
"Ah, just like all the girls." - Gordon (Palen)

"Do you have slow fall?" - Alan (DM)
"He has, in fact, accelerated fall: armor." - Chase (Mordicai)

"28 points of falling damage." - Alan (DM)
"Aw, I thought it was going to hurt." - John (Ovo)

"I can't quite climb faster than I walk, but..." - John (Ovo)

"Jon, if you die, will you go to SA for me?" - Uriah (Rhys)

"Can I make a free intimidate check? It's my only skill." - Uriah (Rhys)

"They're all running away and I'm finally ready to kick some ass!" - Jon (Dave)

"The [fly] spell effect ends when [Uriah] dies? That sucks; I think the corpse should be floating in midair." - Jon (Dave)

"You deserve a consolation gummi, [Uriah]." - Chase (Mordicai)

"He cast hold person on me 3 times in a row!" - Jon (Dave)
"Only 2." - Alan (DM)
"Allow me hyperbole. 3 times in a row!" - Jon (Dave)

"It went perfectly right except the part where they all died and you didn't." - Alan (DM)

"This is intriguing specious logic." - Alan (DM)
"I have a new bodyguard." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Introduce his character." - Alan (DM)
"He can do that!" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I'm the quiet type." - Uriah (Ximen)

"Some of these random encounters are really pointless." - Alan (DM)
"Sessile?" - John (Ovo)
"Benthic! You pass a lake. There's something at the bottom. So what?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"Well, some are sessile, and others could find you but just wouldn't care. Like the giant owl you've encountered 7 times and never known it." - Alan (DM)

"We're camping on a hill." - John (Ovo)
"I like that. And while I can't see any farther, I bet my character doesn't know that." - Jon (Dave)

"The Church of Arlington only hires highly specialized half-orc bodyguards." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Why's that one d6 whiter?" - Gordon (Palen)
"It's marked." - Uriah (Ximen)
"It's a different set." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Case an offensive spell, a really offensive spell, like giant middle finger. Or burning American flag; now that's an offensive spell." - Jon (Dave)

"The rest of the trip passes without anything interesting happening, except it starts to rain." - Alan (DM)
"That's not interesting." - Chase (Mordicai)
"I keep watch for rain dragons." - John (Ovo)
"I watch for rangers." - Jon (Dave)
"There's a dragon-shaped cloud..." - Alan (DM)
"I keep my eye on it. Warn me if it gets closer... like, within 30 feet." - John (Ovo)
"You ready an attack..?" - Alan (DM)

"For the right incentive I shall let you pass." - Alan (DM), speaking as an efreet
"How can we help you do your job better?" - Gordon (Palen)

"The next room looks like where a hellhound used to live." - Alan (DM)
"Why, 'cause there's like flaming feces everywhere?" - Jon (Dave)
"No, it looks like a dog kennel... on fire." - Alan (DM)
"I knew that was coming." - Jon (Dave)

"There are a bunch of spikes knocked in the wall to hold up a number of cloaks, robes, and a hat." - Alan (DM)
"Ooh, I take the hat!" - János (Vnadno)
"It's a big, poofy hat with a feather." - Alan (DM)
"Yeah, that's a half-elf kind of hat." - Chase (Mordicai)

[Uriah (Ximen) fails his open lock check twice]
"I open the chest to find the secret compartment." - John (Ovo)
"Now you have a bunch of kindling and destroyed personal effects." - Alan (DM)

"I assume I can sneak attack." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Yeah; they're outsiders; they're not anything weird." - Alan (DM)

"I cleave." - John (Ovo)
"With your armor spikes out of a grapple?!" - Alan (DM)
"Yeah." - John (Ovo)

"Extracting someone from an iron maiden? That's the inquisitor's job." - Gordon (Palen)

"In the box are 2 vaguely evil presences. It's not strong like 'I am evil and I want to kill you!', it's more 'I am eeevilll, eeeeevilll, eeeeevilllllll...'" - Alan (DM)

"There is a book. It is the Book of the Dark Eye." - Alan (DM)
"Nobody read that." - Chase (Mordicai)

"What is the average party level?" - Alan (DM)
"4" - John (Ovo)
[silence]
"C'mon, guys, say 4!" - John (Ovo)
"What's your bluff?" - Uriah (Ximen)
"40." - Gordon (Palen)

"12 mephits don't constitute an evil cult." - John (Ovo)

"Does that thing have wings?" - John (Ovo)
"No." - Alan (DM)
"We're debating whether or not it even has legs." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I just remembered something I forgot to mention a bit ago." - Alan (DM)
"Uh-oh, this is where things get bad." - Chase (Mordicai)

"Make a will save." - Alan (DM)
"Will save? That's where I'm a Viking!" - Uriah (Ximen)

"D4s are fickle." - John (Ovo)

"It's chittonous full plate." - Jon (Dave)
"Chitonous." - Gordon (Palen)
"No, it's kittenous; there's kittens all over it." - Jon (Dave)

"I get a 30 on knowledge: arcana... and I lose the die on knowledge: religion so I assume that means I fail." - Gordon (Palen)

"The room doesn't collapse all the way, incidentally, it just collapses for show." - Alan (DM)

"I, however, am not specifically not evil." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I give the DM 5 experience points for amusing me." - Gordon (Palen)

"Are there any edible mushrooms?" - John (Ovo)
"That would be under treasure, so... no." - Alan (DM)
"I'll assume this makes sense to hardcore gamers." - Jon (Dave)

"There is a large, scaly, reptilian but vaguely catlike thing..." - Alan (DM)
"Yeah?" - Jon (Dave)
"Eating your head!" - Alan (DM)

"Don't call me 'Semen' ever again." - Uriah (Ximen)
"Do you want to see the new mini, Alan?" - Uriah (Ximen)
"Of course I want to see the new mini; I want to know what I'm killing." - Alan (DM)

"What are you writing down? I don't remember saying anything funny. Oh, now you're going to have to write that down. And if we keep talking faster than he can write, we'll have a recursive..." - Alan (DM)

"I can't heal anyone since I can't find my d8." - János (Vnadno)

"The middle head of the first one opens and goes 'Reeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhh!'" - Alan (DM)
"Please don't do that ever again ever, even if it does it again." - John (Ovo)

"Who is deafened?" - Alan (DM)
[Uriah and János raise their hands]
"Chase?" - Uriah (Ximen)
[Chase raises hand]
"Sorry, I didn't hear that." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'll do whatever I have to do to get 10 hit points healed." - Jon (Dave)
"What a great blow job, Jon; here's 10 hit points." - János (Vnadno)

"He's opening the Monster Manual; I'm opening my character sheet!" - Gordon (Palen)

"34 points of damage, not as bad as I thought." - Alan (DM)
"It did roll all 1s." - Jon (Dave)

"Let's strip the succubus... then we decide to just take the corpse with us." - Jon (Dave)

"I think at 9th level you stop getting XP from orcs." - Alan (DM)
"I'm not 9th; I'll take 'em by myself!" - Uriah (Ximen)

"It's a ransacked storeroom." - Alan (DM)
"We ransack it a little more and then move on." - Chase (Mordicai)

"It's a latrine; it's the 4th latrine in the entire complex!" - Alan (DM)
"Before we killed everything there was a big line here all the time." - János (Vnadno)

"Why would a latrine be warded? Do you really think the succubus is just going to go in a corner? It would really decrease her sexiness." - Jon (Dave)
"Well, to most people." - János (Vnadno)
"They are evil." - Jon (Dave)
"But does evil imply depraved and unsavoury fetishism?" - János (Vnadno)
"It does in our universe so I don't see why it wouldn't in their universe." - Jon (Dave)

"Search the clothing for pockets." - John (Ovo)

"Vnadno is nowhere, he... is off in the corner masturbating over the corpse of the succubus." - Alan (DM)
"It's scary when the DM knows your character so well." - Gordon (Palen)

"Ooh, more real estate." - Chase (Mordicai)
"We buy ugly rooms and caves." - Jon (Dave)

"Pornography, I'll know it when I see it. I just said that; it has nothing to do with anything that's going on. Actually, someday I bet we should find a priest's quarters covered with pornography." - Jon (Dave)
"Actually that's my corner of the chain ledge. I stone shape erotic bas reliefs." - János (Vnadno)
"Baa reliefs?" - Jon (Dave)
"I think that stone shape stipulates you can only sculpt crude shapes." - Chase (Mordicai)
"That's okay; he has crude tastes." - John (Ovo)
"Why don't we just decide on a standard watch that we never deviate from and we never discuss it again?" - Jon (Dave)
"We did that except you're discussing it." - Chase (Mordicai)

"We're not doing anything stupid like, 'Hey look, there's a dry riverbed; let's camp in here!'" - Chase (Mordicai)

"It's not a bebilith, but you think it could play one on TV." - Alan (DM)

"Uriah, you're an archer, why did you get closer?" - Chase (Mordicai)
"I'm a combat archer." - Uriah (Ximen)

"Apparently he didn't go to gay mage school like I did." - Gordon (Palen)

"Why do I have a ring of feather fall? Oh, in case I ever fall." - Uriah (Ximen)

"We had a ranger in the party to keep track of the horses." - Jon (Dave)
"He died really early." - Chase (Mordicai)
"So we can't even keep track of our ranger, how are we supposed to keep track of our horses?" - Jon (Dave)

"I assume you'll be wanting to roll initiatives." - Alan (DM)
"Nah, I'll just wait it out." - János (Vnadno)

"Just in case; I know you have a good reflex save but you also roll shitty." - Alan (DM) to Chase (Mordicai)

"Not every cloud has a silver lining." - Chase (Mordicai)
"This one has an acid lining." - Gordon (Palen)

"16 points of damage, and I hurt my hand." - Gordon (Palen)
[Alan looks confused]
"I hurt my hand. I physically hurt my hand." *rubbing hand* "I just threw that in for color!" - Gordon (Palen)

"It charges you." - Alan (DM)
"The cloud?" - Gordon (Palen)
"The thing in the cloud." - Alan (DM)

"There's a guy up here?" - John (Ovo)
"He's way more fucked up than can be described as 'a guy'." - Alan (DM)

"I'm such a cheap date, give me an arcane spell and I'm all horny." - Gordon (Palen)
"Mooks don't get hired; they're kept on the shelf." - Jon (Dave)

"What [initiative] did you get, Chase?" - Alan (DM)
"16." - Chase (Mordicai)
"And by Chase I meant Uriah." - Alan (DM)

"That'll make Alan cooler, and we want Alan supercool so his processor works faster." - Gordon (Palen), repositioning the fan

"Gordon got blown off his die by the fan, that's how pathetically weak he is." - Alan (DM)

"We're just calling an impromptu break here 'cause the DM's brain exploded." - Alan (DM)

"Most of my rolls are polar like that: 19, 19, 2." - Chase (Mordicai)

"I'm gonna start searching anything that has a drawer or a lid." - Uriah (Ximen)

"Are people going to poke around this room?" - Alan (DM)
"If by poke around you mean detect magic." - Chase (Mordicai)

"In the surprise round the room fills with 5 feet of water." - Alan (DM)
"Damn, the water got the drop on us." - Chase (Mordicai)
"Where am I?" - Jon (Dave)
"You are currently floundering." - Alan (DM)

"Are you guys ready to discover that Monte Cook is a crack-smoking monkey?" - Alan (DM)

"You hear the sound of a giant drain." - Alan (DM)
"Which way does the water drain out: clockwise or counterclockwise, so we can tell what hemisphere we're on." - János (Vnadno)
"It doesn't spin out." - Alan (DM)
"Right. We're on the equator, guys." - János (Vnadno)

"Let's do experience tonight and Uriah can lose it." - Alan (DM)
"We want to find places we haven't been and go there." - John (Ovo)

"That was in fact a well-conceived plan until you became a crazed berserker." - Jon (Dave)

"What was the DC?" - Jon (Dave)
"I don't know; I just decided you failed." - Alan (DM)

"Tie a rope, why does it always come to tying a rope to somebody?" - Gordon (Palen)

"This is the surprise round." - Alan (DM)
"Yay, we surprised it! Oh, wait..." - Chase (Mordicai)

"You can't even see them, you can only see 20' of corridor and my sweet butt." - Jon (Dave)

"I think this is the round where someone uses their free action to yell retreat." - Jon (Dave)
"Oh, I was screamin' about it a long time ago." - Gordon (Palen)
"Let's kill it before it gets poor." - John (Fred)

"I suppose this town is too small to have a brothel." - János (Vnadno)
"It doesn't even have a bar!" - Alan (DM)
"They have a glory hole." - John (Fred)

"No one expects it when this thing bursts into the room." - Alan (DM)
"The Spanish Inquisition?" - János (Vnadno)
"No one expects that." - Jon (Dave)

"Is that a 5 foot step: getting off somebody?" - Gordon (Palen)

"How much damage did you do? I was too busy laughing at you." - Alan (DM)

"I don't know what armor class arrowhawks are, Jon; what am I, your DM?" - Alan (DM)

"I cast bless on the party." - János (Vnadno)
"Okay, except [Fred] because he's 70 feet up, and bless is not a column." - Alan (DM)
"Fine, I cast flame strike instead." - János (Vnadno)

"Can I just say this is a silly combat?" - Gordon (Palen) as PCs with fly cast on them grapple with arrowhawks with confusion cast on them
"Yes it is." - Alan (DM)

"You didn't listen to my idea so why should I be listening to yours?" - Jon (Dave)
"Because I have much better ideas." - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"No, you really don't." - Jon (Dave)
"Does anyone have blood... er, Tome and Blood?" - Gordon (Palen)

"She's a human cleric in full plate, but there has to be more characterization than that..." - Alan (DM)
"So she can't make reflex saves; that's all I need to know." - Gordon (Palen)

"I like the massive amount of dice I get to roll; it's almost like being a spellcaster." - Chase (Eshac)

"He critically touches your legs!" - Alan (DM)

"What do I keep doing with the pencil that works?" - Alan (DM)

"I didn't want it to turn into the invisible sorcerer vs. the hider-in-plain-sight. That would take forever." - Chase (Eshac)

"Who's up next?" - Jon (Dave)
"Chase, and he knows it 'cause he's like 'I'm gonna roll all 50 of my dice!'" - Alan (DM)

"What'd I miss?" - János (Vnadno)
"Gordon's gay now; he took the wrong potion." - Jon (Dave)

"The next thing you see is he goes poof! back into a cloud of vapor." - Alan (DM)
"I get the vacuum cleaner." - Jon (Dave)

"You just blew a perfectly good sting operation!" - Chase (Eshac)
"What the hell were you doing in there?" - János (Vnadno)
"I was infiltrating them." - Chase (Eshac)
"Well, you didn't have to stop on our account." - Jon (Dave)

"So, Eshac, I bet that's not your real name; I bet that's simply an anagram of your real name." - János (Vnadno)

"Unlike some people I was trying to covertly overthrow the Temple." - Chase (Eshac)

"Does anyone else wanna walk in front with me?" - John (Fred)
"Sure." - Chase (Eshac)
"Am I gonna know you're walking in front with me?" - John (Fred)
"Probably not." - Chase (Eshac)
"He rolls another natural 20! Does he instant-death you?" *rolls* "YES, but we're not using that rule!" - Alan (DM)

"Dude, the barbarian [mini]'s sexy; he has his own little tufts of wheat. He's an agrarian barbarian." - Jon (Dave)

"I could carry you, but I get dominated a lot." - Uriah (Xi K'toar)

"I'm hidden at 32; I rolled a 1." - Chase (Eshac)

"I don't wanna know what they are - takes all the fun out of possessing them." - Gordon (Palen)

"The snake is flat-footed to you." - Alan (DM)

*searching through an NPC's stats* "What's the yuan-ti going to do when he sees his 2 pet snakes fighting? Oh, he can give everyone a severe aversion to snakes!" - Alan (DM)

"You're next to the ogre." - Alan (DM)
"Hello, meat." - Jon (Dave)

"I like how you say 'inflict' rather than 'hit'." - Gordon (Palen)

"It had 6 hit points left; you rolled more than that many dice!" - Alan (DM)

"I like how I possess something and then promptly die." - Gordon (Palen)
"Hey, can I have an extra level?" - John (Fred)
"Why?" - Alan (DM)
"I want one." - John (Fred)

"This is Room 37." - Alan (DM)
"That's prime; I run!" - Gordon (Palen)

"What is the table made of?" - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"Heavy wood." - Alan (DM)
"Is it anything I could carry with me?" - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"No-" - Alan (DM)
"That would be the 'heavy' part." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm gonna cast detect magic by picking up valuable things." - Uriah (Xi K'toar)

"I'm gonna have to shout 'cause he's really far away. 'Hey, magic guy, can you come open a door?'" - Jon (Dave)
"'Yeah.'" - Gordon (Palen)
"'Be sure to walk quietly because we need to maintain stealth.'" - Jon (Dave)

"The rat corpses are only twitching half-heartedly." - Alan (DM)

"I'm gonna make that my job this session: I'll stir things that everybody else has already looked at." - John (Fred)

"I cast dispel magic and look in the chest." - Gordon (Palen)
"You go 'Oh look, I suppressed everything in the chest. Maybe in 1D4 rounds something will be magic again.'" - Alan (DM)

"I disappear." - Chase (Eshac)
"I hate it when he does that; I keep walking into him." - Jon (Dave)
"I keep having anal sex with him." - Gordon (Palen)

"They really want to do bad things to the monk, but they know monks are immune to bad things." - Alan (DM)
"It's a nice class ability." - Chase (Eshac)

"When you open his mouth to administer the antitoxin, you see the head of the crossbow bolt in his throat." - Alan (DM)
"I caught an arrow in my teeth!" - János
"From behind!" - Alan (DM)

"I collect the eyes of possible spellcasters." - John (Fred)
"Is that your mission?" - Gordon (Palen)
"It's more my predilection." - John (Fred)

"This's gone from gaming to philosophy this evening; this is awesome!" - Gordon (Palen)
"You are probably wondering why I have gathered you all here tonight." - Alan (DM)

"What'd you get on your knowledge: religion check?" - Alan (DM)
"34." - Gordon (Palen)
"For a 34 can we just look in the Monster Manual under vampire? Or is that an epic level skill?" - Jon (Dave)

"Having convinced the party to kill the vampire, I'd like to recind that convincing." - Jon (Dave)

"Your friends have disappreared into a room. There's some splashing, some burning, some yelping. Since you previously discussed the presence of elementals this is not a huge surprise." - Alan (DM)

"Leave my sausage alone!" - Gordon (Palen)

"I want to take this. This is a really important book." - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"You notice the title of the book: Dark Juices of the Mind." - Alan (DM)
"You wouldn't want that book, it's boring. It's a cookbook." - Jon (Dave)

"Is anyone doing anything interesting other than staring at that mysterious patch of cobblestones in this carpeted room?" - Alan (DM)

"Would you like to know more about the Temple?" - John (Fred)
"Click here." - Chase (Eshac)

"Why aren't we doing this systematically." - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"We are." - John (Fred), rolling die

"You speak wild elvish; that's not elvish, that's ebonics shit." - Jon (Dave)

"Are there Princes of Elemental Good too?" - John (Fred)
"Yes, but they don't work the same way." - Alan (DM)
"They mostly do charity." - Jon (Dave)

"There's plotline behind us killing all these things, isn't there?" - Gordon (Palen)

"I wish Alan wasn't paging through the Monster Manual." - Gordon (Palen)
"If you're wishing, why wish small?" - John (Fred)

"We can't sell it, we might as well break it." - John (Fred)

"So, vampire vs. dragon..." - John (Fred)
"I'd like to see that fight." - Chase (Eshac)

"Take cone of cold 7 times." - John (Fred)
"I can do it twice." - Gordon (Palen)
"Well, stop when you get to 2." - John (Fred)

"If it has spell resistence of 27, we should not be in this room. In fact, in 2 rounds we won't be in this room." - Chase (Eshac)

"37 damage." - Jon (Dave)
"Was that 1 attack? You're a porn star!" - Gordon (Palen)

"39!" - Alan (DM)
"That's how much damage it did?" - Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"No, that's its attack." - Alan (DM)

"Dragons don't scream like girls, even when they die." - Alan (DM)

"If you attack, the dragon dies." - Alan (DM)
"The dragon could parlay." - Gordon (Palen)
"Oh, you died!" - Gordon (Palen) to Uriah (Xi K'toar)
"We gamed, Gordon, of course he died." - Alan (DM)

"I wonder where the adventure is." - Alan (DM)
"So overrated to have it. Wing it, bitch." - Gordon (Palen)

"I don't think there's enough sex in this book." - Gordon (Palen), on The Book of Mormon

"What's a dragon ladder?" - Jon (Dave)
"A ladder that a dragon can climb, you fuckwit." - Alan (DM)

"I can't remember when I got so good at appraising objet d'art. I guess because I've spent the last 2 years of my life appraising objects in this goddamn temple." - Jon (Dave)

"Nuh-nuh-nuh-nah! You've got: a party member!" - Jon (Dave)

"Who the hell are you? How did you know Hector?" - John (Fred)
"He's my brother." - Uriah (Ajax)
"Not anymore." - John (Fred)

"My name is Fred Williams." - John (Fred)
"The adventure continues." - Chase (Eshac)

"I am the leader of a large band/small army. I am also a general of my god." - Uriah (Ajax)

"What party level other than 4 do you average to?" - Alan (DM)
"3." - Gordon (Palen)

"Oracle eats 1d6 PCs per round." - Gordon (Palen)

"I think the illithid is a better option because he might not be there." - John (Fred)

"How much XP did we get?" - Chase (Eshac)
"I don't know. I said it, then it left my head forever." - Alan (DM)

"I'm serious about the courier monkey." - Alan (DM)

"Do you want a bunch of little baggies to organize your counters?" - John (Fred)
"I have plenty of Ziploc bags that size because I live with a druggie." - Alan (DM)

"How did he just insult me?" - Jon (Dave)
"You'll just have to read it on the quotes page." - János (Vnadno)

"This is a job for the decanter of endless lemonade." - Jon (Dave)

"Let's all take a moment out of initiative to laugh at Gordon." - Chase (Eshac)

"The thing is you don't actually throw your hand. You just throw your ability to attack with your hand; then you have to go pick it up." - John (Fred)

"Did I miss something? Should I have written it down?" - János (Vnadno)
"Give me a pencil." - John (Fred)

"Are you seriously a bard? I still haven't gotten through that." - Gordon (Palen)

"I'm not inspiring competence right now." - Uriah (Shizor)
"It's continence, he's inspiring continence." - Jon (Dave)

"I want to hit him, him, and him, and not any of my friends [with an acid ball]." - Gordon (Palen)
"You air burst it." - Uriah (Shizor)
"And put some english on it." - Jon (Dave)

"There's 1 ogre left. Let's just politely ignore him and maybe he'll die of his own accord." - Jon (Dave)

"This is like an instant-death spell, but we get to play with him." - Gordon (Palen) on feeblemind

"That's how you know I was disintegrated: you're like, 'He hid. That's funny, why'd he leave all his stuff?'" - Chase (Eshac)
"He hid so well his clothes fell off." - Jon (Dave)
"Okay, first gift of the day: spellbook." - Alan (DM), handing index card to Gordon (Palen)
"Sweet!" - Gordon (Palen)
"What's in the spellbook, what's in the spellbook?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Porn!"- Gordon (Palen)

"Do you carry white hair dye?" - Jon (Dave)
"I work for Target; we don't cater to freaks." - Gordon (Palen)

"I'm taking chemistry, I get to talk about the molarity of my hair dye." - Jon (Dave)

"You cast water breathing on yourself as soon as you saw water." - Alan (DM)
"Exactly." - János (Vnadno)

"It's not actually water. It's just water elementals and assorted monsters suspended in solution." - Jon (Dave)

"Minotaurs can't rage!" - Jon (Dave)
"Barbarian minotaurs can." - Alan (DM)

*under his breath* "Javelin of lightning or flame strike?" - János (Vnadno)
"This is about to become very crowded." - Alan (DM)
"Crowded means flame strike."- János (Vnadno)

"Hey, there's a lot of bugbears here all of a sudden." - Chase (dead Eshac)

"This trap, er, this room..." - Alan (DM)

"This is great because I have a character I have no attachment to if I have to leave him behind." - Jon (Dave), splitting off with Uriah (Shizor)

"Minotaur smash! Minotaur fumble." - Alan (DM)

Assessing hit points without metagaming: "You would estimate they are both half as happy as they normally would be sitting in a bar drinking." - Alan (DM)
"You estimate it would take a fall of between 100 and 150 feet to kill them half the time." - Alan (DM)

"You have very nimble fingers that can manipulate small objects." - Jon (Dave), arguing that bards are substitute rogues
"Children?" - Gordon (Palen)

So you crawl through that guy's legs, cast cure serious wounds, while prone?" - Alan (DM)

"I kill the minotaur defensively." - John (Fred)

"It's the bard vs the squad of warriors." - Alan (DM)

"You know how potions come in vials, and vials are made of glass, which is fragile..." - John (Fred)
"Instead of unstoppering a potion you pop it in your mouth and bite? No." - Alan (DM)

"Next time I don't go with the monk." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Bugbear to Eshac: What're you in for?" - John (Fred)

"The only ranger we've had so far was a rogue/barbarian with a single level of ranger." - Alan (DM)
"The only level worth taking!" - Chase (dead Eshac)

"The one thing I can say for this is, in the movie version, this part is really good." - John (Fred)

"The crazy thing is their plan is actually working. Everything else went to shit, including them, but it's working anyway!" - Alan (DM)
"So I take it I'm no longer a corpse." - Chase (Eshac)
"You were, in fact, never actually a corpse." - Alan (DM)

"Who's the lumberjack?" - Chase (Eshac)

"I look like I'm wearing a really ostentatious... bush." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"This guy's just been following me around. He occasionally says things like 'You are the one.'" - Alan (DM), speaking as Palen

"Don't ask me; I'm not going to be role-playing Palen." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"I think he's a loony, but if we put him up front maybe it'll be okay." - Jon (Dave)

"This is stupid. It's silly, at least." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"John, how tall are you?" - Alan (DM)
"5' 9". Well, are you counting the top of my head or the top of my branches?" - John (Shanut'tziel)

"Vampire's been busy." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Is everything in the Temple undead now? Are we gonna fight a vampire earth elemental in a few days?" - Jon (Dave)

"Shizor the Slow-As-Fuck." - Alan (DM)

"9 points of damage." - Jon (Dave)
"He really doesn't like it when you do that, and if you would please stop." - Alan (DM)

"Gordon would look so stupid with a beard." - Jon (Dave)
"He'd look as stupid as the rest of us would look without a beard." - János (Vnadno)
*Jon wimpers and rubs his newly cleanshaven chin*

"I should mention there's a palpable sense of dread in this room." - Alan (DM)
"You could cut it with a knife." - Jon (Dave)
"Get to it." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"I categorically refuse to write down any damage the DM only remembered at the end of the round because I reminded him." - Jon (Dave)

"The moral is: I was wrong and the vampire kills someone now." - Jon (Dave)

"Is he highly flammable because he's dead?" - Uriah (Shizor)

"I attack Gordon." - Jon (Dave)
"We've been wanting to do that for a while." - Chase (Eshac)

"I hold out my pickaxe and say 'Break the handle.'" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Okay." - Jon (Dave)
"Now we have a broken stake for the vampire!" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Why don't we just use the broken piece of wood I've been carrying around for this whole time?" - Jon (Dave)
"Why didn't you tell me you had a broken piece of wood before you broke my pickaxe?!" - Uriah (Shizor)
"You didn't tell me why you wanted me to break it." - Jon (Dave)
"Fine. I cast mending." - Uriah (Shizor)

"We dessicate the vampire." - Jon (Dave)
"You remove all the water from the vampire?" - Alan (DM)
"Desecrate!" - Jon (Dave)

"You have thoroughly fucked the vampire except the actual fucking." - Alan (DM)

"János, don't forget to prepare restoration and cast it on me first thing in the morning." - Jon (Dave)
"János oversleeps. Make a fortitude save!" - Alan (DM)
"I have an idea: we cast lots of walls of stone..." - Uriah (Shizor)
"This is a bad idea already. Why don't we just dig a hole from one side of the mountain to the other side, and then it'll just fall over." - John (Shanut'tziel)
"You can't speak." - Uriah (Shizor)

"At this point new characters are going to become less commonplace." - Alan (DM)
"Whoo-hoo!" - János (Vnadno)

"You are in a featureless white plain with a 5 foot light-blue grid etched on it." - Alan (DM)
"We're not gonna get a thing done tonight." - Jon (Dave)
"But we'll get experience for it." - Gordon (Palen)
"We'll get experience and lose a member of the party." - Jon (Dave)
"Not it!" - Chase (Eshac)

"If you stand between 2 squares you collapse a singularity because of rounding error." - Chase (Eshac)

"Shizzle my Shizor." - Alan (DM)

"You guys wanna go down here?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Cleaning out nests of evil's our thing." - Gordon (Palen)

"I just need to point out, you guys need to tap me on the shoulder and point when we come to corners." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"All right, the door's safe for someone else to open." - Chase (Eshac)

"Do you have any knowledges?" - Alan (DM)
"No, I rely on what I hear. Bardic hearsay, that's what it is." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Bardic heresy." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm not going to pay for my resurrection if this shitty thing kills me." - Jon (Dave)
"Fine." - Gordon (Palen)
"I open the door." - Jon (Dave)
"The door opens." - Alan (DM)
"I wasn't going to pay for your resurrection either." - Uriah (Shizor)

"I tie the rope around me before they cast invisibility because I'm really curious to see if it becomes invisible too." - Jon (Dave)
"No, absolutely not. It looks like they're doing the stupid thing with the fucking leashes." - Alan (DM)

"Illithids come from Dr Who episodes." - Alan (DM)

"None of the books say 'plot related' on the spine." - Alan (DM)

"Boy, if this was [Call of] Cthulhu you'd be making so many sanity checks..." - Chase (Eshac)

"You're seriously going home and coming back tomorrow?" - Alan (DM)
"Why not? We've done it for sillier reasons." - Chase (Eshac)

"Initiative: no one is surprised, or everyone is surprised, alternatively." - Alan (DM)

"That is what happens when vampire spawn suck." - Alan (DM)

"Who has blind fight?" - Gordon (Palen)
"I don't." - Jon (Dave)
"I don't." - János (Vnadno)
"It's not much benefit for an archer." - Uriah (Shizor)

"I take the table." - John (Shanut'tziel)
"You can't take the table." - Alan (DM)
"Then I proceed to build four walls around the bottom of it and live in it... Well, it seemed like the next best option." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"As soon as you touch my nipple, I'll lash out violently." - Gordon (Palen)
"Dude, touching your nipple is lashing out violently." - Jon (Dave)

"Okay, there's a gargoyle down that way that'll ask you questions. Let's see what's this way." - Chase (Eshac)
*rolls* "16: bardic knowledge for gargoyles that ask questions." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Toss me on the map." - Gordon (Palen)
"Throw Gordon's mini across the room, watch János scream like a little girl." - Jon (Dave)
"I'd like to see that." - Gordon (Palen)
"LIKE A LITTLE GIRL!" - János (Vnadno)

"Vnadno... Sesh is it?" - Alan (DM)
"Tsesh." - János (Vnadno)
"Desh?" - Alan (DM)
"Tsesh." - János (Vnadno)
"Zesh?" - Alan (DM)
"Tsesh." - János (Vnadno)
"I won't try it again." - Alan (DM)
"Do you remember the rooms we went through that had the stuff in it?" - John (Shanut'tziel)
"Boy, you're going to have to be far more specific." - Alan (DM)

"What are you doing [János]?" - Alan (DM)
"Have sex with small children." - Gordon (Palen)
"I can't find any." - János (Vnadno)
"I can summon." - Gordon (Palen)

"I think as long as we can beat this thing to within an inch of its life, before we go that last inch, we ask 'What is the answer to the second question?'" - Jon (Dave)

"You don't see—" - Alan (DM)
"The statues gathering behind you to drag you away?" - John (Shanut'tziel)
"The room filling with shadow hounds?" - Jon (Dave)
"Your stomach crawling away to find a new place to live?" - John (Shanut'tziel)
"Your eyeballs moving to Cleveland?"- Jon (Dave)

"These are doggies!" - Alan (DM)
"What kind of doggies?" - Gordon (Palen)
"Cute little dark evil shadow doggies." - Alan (DM)

"You can cast while prone." - Gordon (Palen)
"But you can't cast while a dog is mauling you." - Jon (Dave)

"How many?" - Gordon (Palen)
"Hrair." - Alan (DM)

"I wish rolled up newspapers were a monk weapon and I had a +5 one." - Jon (Dave)

"You appear. There's a whole posse of dogs standing around sniffing each other's butts nonchalantly." - Alan (DM)

"You both need to make 40 will saves." - Alan (DM)

"You just kill the rest of them. This is a very silly encounter." - Alan (DM)

"Jon's not as dumb as he looks, or acts, or any testing has led us to believe." - Gordon (Palen)

"That was an unusually silly session." - Alan (DM)
"I can cast sleep." - Jon (Dave)
"Target: self? Or material component: blackjack?" - Alan (DM)

"I have one question." - Chase (Eshac)
"Ask me your question and I will tell you a lie." - Alan (DM)

"I translate for the party." - János (Vnadno)
"What's his name?" - Chase (Eshac)
"Where's he from?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Does he like boys or girls?" - Gordon (Palen)

"A knowledge: linguistics would come in handy here." - Alan (DM)
"Good thing we've got János here. Too bad he's not playing himself." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"What we need is a fishline with a halfling on it. We can kind of swing it over boulders and see if anything grabs it." - Jon (Dave)

"Do you want to go the long way so we get..." - Chase (Eshac)
"More random encounters?" - Jon (Dave)

"And my new hit points are:" *rolls* "one?! Do I have to keep one hit point?" - Chase (Eshac)
"You don't have to take it if you don't want it." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"I don't think the bard even has a melee weapon out." - Alan (DM)
"I don't think the bard even has a melee weapon." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Urinals are uncomfortable to shove up your ass. They're all big and cold... Please don't write that down and post it on your site." - Gordon (Palen)

"That's assuming their ACs are all 22. They actually range from 40 to 22." - Gordon (Palen)

"So how many wights was that?" - Gordon (Palen)
"So far, 15." - Alan (DM)
"I don't like the way he says 'so far'." - János (Vnadno)

"I'm looking around this rock and thinking 'I'm surrounded by wights. There's gonna be an explosion any second.'" - Chase (Eshac), on Gordon's propensity for casting fireballs without regard for allies in the area of effect

"We're not making blooper reels here, guys." - Gordon (Palen)

"I feel like I haven't killed my fair share yet." - Jon (Dave)
"The thing is, you kill very decisively." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"As you put it, my AC is twenty-fourive." - Jon (Dave)

"We spent 2 hours to kill 23 wights. That's 1 wight every 5.2 minutes." - Jon (Dave)

"So this is a blank map." - Alan (DM)
"Are you having DM's block or something." - Jon (Dave)

"I have an initiative card for the door." - Alan (DM)

"Gosh, I don't have any spells that affect... doors." - Gordon (Palen)

"We've got 7 minutes to subdue the door." - Gordon (Palen)

"The door is winning; I'm sorry." - Alan (DM)
"I'm gonna bet on the door." - John (Shanut'tziel)

"That is a CR 12 door." - Alan (DM)
"Good luck! If you die, die with honor, or at least a neat exploding effect." - Christine (Jon's girlfriend)

"If there's a dragon I'm gonna be pissed." - Gordon (Palen)
"Kind of." - Alan (DM)

"Half-dragon tyrannosaurus rex." - John (Shanut'tziel)
"That's bad." - Uriah (Shizor)

"If we go before the DM does, we can leap across the table and strangle him before the half-dragons go." - Jon (Dave)

"Is there any way I could tumble past them?" - Chase (Eshac)
"Oh, absolutely. The bigger they are the easier they are to tumble past. In fact tumbling between a tyrannosaur's legs is something you've always wanted to do." - Alan (DM)

"You realize I have a light crossbow? I've never used any of my melee weapons. I've never been in melee combat ever!" - Gordon (Palen)

"So Chase, when you move [out-of-state], are you just gonna say you hide and never reappear?" - Gordon (Palen)

"Wait your turn!" - Chase (Eshac)
"I already went, only I haven't gone yet!" - Jon (Dave)

"How did the door get so much more reasonable than last time?" - Gordon (Palen)

"Eshac, my beshac." - Gordon (Palen)

"The question is whether it swallows Shanut'tziel this round or next round?" - Jon (Dave)

"Can you hear me in the stomach of a tyrannosaurus rex? 'Cause I can sing to inspire greatness." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Where's my DMPH?" - Alan (DM)

"This is great! I'm really eager to see where this is going. Chase is going to write himself out of this just in time!" - John (Shanut'tziel)

"You've been swallowed. You take..." - Alan (DM)
"Gizzard damage." - John (Shanut'tziel)
"Gizzard and acid damage." - Alan (DM)

"If you hug the blade barrier entirely he probably can't bite you." - Alan (DM)

"I've suffered enough arbitrary deaths, I can suffer another." - Chase (Eshac)

"You're not stunned anymore and you're in an animal's stomach." - Alan (DM)
"Cast animal friendship." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Does he get sneak attack? I don't think it sees it coming." - Chase (Eshac)
"It doesn't have discernable anatomy." - Alan (DM)
"Sure it does; it's right there!" - Chase (Eshac)

"Does the dragon take damage from eating Chase's poison arrows?" - Jon (Dave)

"It hits AC 39." - Alan (DM)
"Okay, that misses." - Jon (Dave)
"You're kidding!" - Gordon (Palen)
"Yeah, and I'm 4th level." - Jon (Dave)

"It's hard to move because you're being pushed farther down its digestive tract." - Alan (DM)
"I'm not gonna fight being pushed through. I don't care which end I come out." - Jon (Dave)

"Okay, you've successfully magic jarred the tyrannosaur. You feel a pleasant fullness in your belly and your tongue is absently picking armor from between your teeth." - Alan (DM)

"You beat something to death from inside!" - János (Vnadno)

"Imagine the vision of your salvation is a tyrannosaurus ripping open the stomach you're stuck in." - János (Vnadno)
"It's like being born again!" - Jon (Dave)

"Could I ask you do do us a favor, Door?" - Jon (Dave)
"It depends." - Alan (Door)
"Could you maybe stay open a little longer?" - Jon (Dave)
"Sorry, I can't do that, Dave." - Alan (Door)
"I was apparently on crack at the end of next session." - Jon (Dave)

"Draw a circle." - John (Ud)
"We can use that one [that's already drawn]." - Jon (Dave)
"That one is much too small." - Alan (DM)
"We can just use smaller minis." - Jon (Dave)
"Shut up!" - János (Vnadno)

"Such a great circle." - Alan (DM)
"Why?" - Jon (Dave)
"'Cause it's round." - Alan (DM)

"It hits you 4 times. Both arms hit, plus 2 arms it didn't have before." - Alan (DM)

"I know how to revive him." - Jon (Dave)
"You can't beat him until he revives!" - Gordon (Palen)

"So does Death look like something I want to kill?" - Jon (Dave)
"You know the robe, the scythe and the pointing at you? It's got the robe, the scythe, and it's pointing at you." - Alan (DM)

"I'm not intimidated by your Death here, old man!" - Jon (Dave)

"Death is actually pretty lame on statting, but you're the most miserable person ever on miss chances." - Alan (DM)

"A glaive strapped to your back is really annoying in doorways." - Alan (DM)
"Doors annoy me anyway, so that's really not an issue." - John (Ud)

"We killed off a whole town by cutting off its drug supply?" - János (Vnadno)
"Well not entirely. The economy also collapsed." - Alan (DM)

"Written across the shrine in large block characters are the words 'THIS IS A FIRE TRAP.' I'm just kidding." - Alan (DM)

"Do we still have that jar of urine?" - János (Vnadno)

"We might need this fruit to advance further." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Your ratio of bitching to map drawing is still fairly even." - Jon (Dave)

"That's right, I'm a bigot against the undead; that's why I beat them to death with their own arms." - Jon (Dave)
"Then [Uriah] incurred the wrath of some powerful outsider." - Alan
"Which is me in 7 levels." - Jon (Dave)

"Then in an arbitrary introduction scene, there are these guys around." - Alan (DM), introducing Corbin & Perkin

"This [dragon] had multisnatch." - Alan (DM)
"It had more than 1 cunt?" - Jon (Dave)
"That's why there's no girls in this group." - Adam (Corbin)

"He's our bald, dwarven monk with no hair at all." - Gordon (Perkin)
"I know, I played him for a session." - Adam (Corbin)
"He maintained the vow of silence a lot better than I did." - Jon (Dave)

"If you have any interest in geology, this is a kimberlite pipe formation." - Alan (DM)

"Can you imagine a more hobbity name than Perkin Warbuck?" - Jon (Dave)
"Dinnerroll Strudel?" - Adam (Corbin)

"I run at 60." - Adam (Corbin)
"FUCKER!" - Jon (Dave)

"Now that I'm playing a character with sneak attack I'm just waiting for Alan to only throw constructs and undead at me." - Gordon (Perkin)

"It helps that I don't have a lot of weapons, or character background." - Adam (Corbin), explaining why his character sheet is so short
"He knew what he was getting into." - Alan (DM)
"What's character background?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"I think it's like a last name, but different." - Adam (Corbin)

"Ud, unremarkably kill someone." - Alan (DM)

"You believe when you put incest in it and light it, something happens. Incense." - Alan (DM)

"I now have the most deaths in the party!" - Gordon (Perkin)

"Can you make a knowledge: arcana check?" - Alan (DM)
"Yes, that's based on knowledge, right?" - Uriah (Shizor)

"What did you have to prep for for half an hour?" - Jon (Dave)
"That wasn't half an hour." - Alan (DM)
"Half a' half an hour." - Jon (Dave)
"There were a lot of tentacles!" - John (Ud)

"I'm going in. Just another notch on my belt. On the bottom, though; that's how many times I've died." - John (Ud)

"If I die I'm being replaced by my half brother: the short, stocky elf." - Jon (Dave)

"John, you're back in the running!" - Uriah (Shizor)
"You're back in the running for most deaths!" - Gordon (Perkin)

"Make 2 will saves." - Alan (DM)
"21." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Good. No one you know is being sacrificed on the altar and the pyramid does not eat your soul." - Alan (DM)

"Was he evil?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Do not ask stupid questions!" - Alan (DM)

"You can't do anything this round because you're too busy going 'My soul, my soul!'" - Alan (DM)
"So every time János laughs, he loses 1 experience point." - Alan (DM)
"Aw, this is going to be the most boring set of quotes on the whole page." - Jon (Dave)

"So, does Ud's living will say 'Please, god, resurrect me, or, if that's not the case, bring in my identical twin brother, who can be reached at this number'?" - Alan (DM)
"What, am I dead again? I forgot about that." - John (Ud)

"What, if anything, can we do about the ibex upstairs? ...obex." - Jon (Dave)

"I hate searching; searching's gonna get me killed again." - Gordon (Perkin)

"Corbin, you've been ensorcelled!" - Gordon (Perkin)
"Ensorcelled? That's not a word." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm gonna go look at stuff and see if it reminds me of any stories." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Jon and I have this mysterious problem with plates..." - Alan (DM)
"Can we please game?" - János (Vnadno)

"Do I see a dog followed by a naked man with a glaive?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Make a sp-... Of course you do!" - Alan (DM)

"Here is your my-character-ran-off comic book." - Jon (Dave)

"What is a standard day's ride on a horse?" - Alan (DM)
"In reasonable, realistic terms?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"No, no, in D&D terms." - Alan (DM)
"The road branches off from the moat house, then it goes through some grasslands and over some hills, and then it hits-" - Alan (DM)
"Grandmother's house?" - János (Vnadno)

"János, please stop shtupping the NPCs!" - Gordon (Perkin)

"I open the door and get out of the way of the swinging log." - Jon (Dave)

"Suck my cock." - Gordon (Perkin)
"I'm sorry, you're being too subtle. What are you getting at?" - Jon (Dave)
"I want head from you now!" - Gordon (Perkin)

"Oh, that would be so clever to leave a door open and still trap the doorway." - Alan (DM)

"It's an empty closet." - Alan (DM)
"There's no log in the closet, you're sure of it?" - Jon (Dave)

"Do I know any lines in any songs that have words in Giant?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"Yeah, 'fee-fie-fo-fum'." - János (Vnadno)

"All you people whining for healing; there are potions for that!" - János (Vnadno)
"Who said I was gonna share, cocksucker?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"Who said I was gonna suck your cock, potato-chip-sharer?" - Jon (Dave)

"Minis?" - John (Ud)
*long pause* "It was your turn to provide minis." - János (Vnadno)

"Unearthed Arcana even has rules for facing." - Alan (DM)
[from another room] "Did you just say rules for bacon?" - Jon (Dave)

"Or maybe they've withdrawn to another location that's more defensible." - Alan (DM)
"Yes, they've withdrawn to someone's cunt because it's more defensible." - Jon (Dave)
"Yeah, there's only the one opening." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Write that the fuck down!" - John (Ud)

"There's nothing coming yet." - Adam (Corbin)
"Then suddenly your face is covered in ejaculate." - Jon (Dave)
"You know, you're the reason this game takes so long." - Adam (Corbin)

"Is your anus bleeding?" - Gordon (Perkin)
[distracted by something unexpected in the module] "Yes, I never noticed it before, but..." - Alan (DM)

"I open the door and get out of the way of the log." - Jon (Dave)
"There is no log." - Gordon (Perkin)
"It's a wood golem with an erection!" - János (Vnadno)

"Their fatal weakness is when they're killed, they die." - Alan (DM), on rakshasas

"If we have to fight the bear, I want to do this alone!" - Jon (Dave)

"What's that?" - Adam (Corbin)
"Rubble, right here in Iver City." - Alan (DM)

"Hi, I'm a rubble-filled corridor. You may remember me from such maps as the last one." - Alan (DM)

"Is there anything special about these boots?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"They look to have been made by elvenkind. They have the elvenkind swoosh on them." - Alan (DM)
"Let's stop talking and start doing because if we don't have any combat in this session, again, Chase is gonna go crazy." - Jon (Dave)

"Beholder, that's just a scary word." - Gordon (Perkin)
"You think that's scary, try beholder audit; that's 2 scary words!" - John (Ud)

"Half of the north room is collapsed." - Alan (DM)
*long pause*
"...And the other half?" - Jon (Dave)

"At a signal, John and I will coup de grace the sleeping ogres." - Jon (Dave)
"What if they have a fort save of 35?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"If they're ogre barbarians raging in their sleep, yeah." - Adam (Corbin)

"Despite all evidence to the contrary, we are still trying to be quiet." - Adam (Corbin)
"I try to hold as still as possible." - János (Vnadno)

"Here, room 409." - Alan (DM)
"She's real fine, my..." - János (Vnadno)
"Shut up." - Jon (Dave)
"Boy, that was ironic: Jon told János to shut up." - Alan (DM)

"Our invisibilities are getting fritzy. I start fritzing visible and I hit my head and go back..." - Uriah (Shizor)

"So they remembered to put the secret door on my map, but they forgot to tell me about it in the text." - Alan (DM)
"It's really secret." - John (Ud)

"What the...? This description is gibberish!" - Alan (DM)

"I just killed a rakshasa with my bare hands?" - Jon (Dave)
"They have a secret weakness: monks." - Adam (Corbin)

"Have you noticed John just followed the party around and failed his saves?" - Alan (DM)

"Shizzle?" - Alan (DM)
"The Magnizzle." - Adam (Corbin)
"All the spells that we have changed [to 3.5] begin with 'H'." - Alan (DM)

"Okay, we can stop demonstrating our limitless Looney Tunes knowledge." - Jon (Dave)

"Can you summon a rust monster?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"No. They're not planar." - Adam (Corbin)
"A celestial rust monster, then?" - Uriah (Shizor)

"Damage is 1d6 per caster level. Can I borrow 12d6?" - János (Vnadno)
"Aren't you 13th level?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"I have one d6." - János (Vnadno)

"You figured out which alcove he was hiding in when he fell out of it on his face." - Alan (DM)

"You were being stalked by 2 different assassins concurrently. There was a 10% chance they'd both be in position to strike at the same time." - Alan (DM)

"Some arrows came through the ceiling, then an archer came through the ceiling." - Alan (DM)

"A ring on his other hand, clearly labeled 'Protection +1'." - Alan (DM)
"Actually, 'Prot +1', I'm sure." - Jon (Dave)

"That's 2000 GP a crack." - Gordon (Perkin)
"2000 GPs of crack! I sell it on the street!" - Adam (Corbin)

"He wasn't expecting 2 people to jump into the carriage with him." - Alan (DM)
"I fell in." - Uriah (Shizor)
*sorting through masses of paper* "This is a large pile of things you've already killed." - Alan (DM)

*still sorting through paper* "Here, for some reason, are 2 copies of Jon's résumé..." - Alan (DM)
"I think that belongs in the pile of fantasy material." - Adam (Corbin)

"How much does roper poison suck?" - Adam (Corbin)
"All the way." - John (Ud)

"I don't know what its anatomy is, I just wanna know if I can fucking discern it." - Jon (Dave)

"I'm gonna put the roper-- I'm gonna put the bard between the roper and myself... I went to work yesterday and came back today. I'm tired." - Uriah (Shizor)

"Calm down; you're acting like me when I'm high." - Jon (Dave)
"No he's not; he's intelligible." - Gordon (Perkin)

"I would like to point out there's a door you have not gone through on this map." - Alan (DM)
"Oooh, that's like candy." - Adam (Corbin)

[János raises arm vertically in the air]
"Yes, János?" - Jon (Dave)
"I'm just resting my hand." - János (Vnadno)

"So the scariest thing we faced today in the Temple of Elemental Evil was... a paperweight?" - János (Vnadno)

*reading off his character sheet* "'My spell resistance is 10 plus my level, rounded down.' This is apparently in case my level is ever not an integer." - Jon (Dave)

*reading from block text* "'There are several lumps on the mantle that turn out to be shrunken human heads... They are worth 25 gold.' What was Monte thinking?" - Alan (DM)

"If this thing swallows me, I'm busting out my Quaal's Feather Token: Tree and popping a 60 foot tree in its mouth." - Gordon (Perkin)

"So Uriah, this is going to be a chase between your wand of cure light wounds and its 3d8 per round damage?" - Alan (DM)
"Looking directly into the eye makes you roll on the most horrible table I've ever seen." - Alan (DM)

"The ogre is stunned; he stumbles back, and as his head comes up you see his eyes are sewn shut." - Alan (DM)
"Oh, sweet!" - Uriah (Shizor) & John (Ud)

"I tumble up there at 36, just in case the person on the altar is interested in attacks of opportunity, or the altar is interested in attacks of opportunity." - Jon (Dave)

"Make a fort save." - Alan (DM)
"23. Does something bad happen?" - Jon (Dave)
"The tarrasque eats you and you die... After all that time, it was so easy." - Alan (DM)

"Who needs a remote control when you've got a tentacle rod?" - Adam (Corbin)

"I stand by the priest and look wounded." - Gordon (Perkin)

"I know, you either heal or you cast searing light, and every once in a while you flame strike." - Alan (DM)
"I also like to wail on things with my mace, but I can never get there in time." - János (Vnadno)

"Did you hear, Gary Gygax had a small stroke." - Adam (Corbin)
"What, did he roll, like, a 1?" - Uriah (Shizor)

"You can't cast [water breathing] underwater, which is so stupid." - János (Vnadno)
"Someone should research improved water breathing that has no verbal component. Material component: water in your mouth." - Alan (DM)

"This is the slowest retreat ever!" - Alan (DM)

"I cast flame strike over there." - János (Vnadno)
"Yay! I didn't want to suggest it. The cleric makes me feel all warm and toasty. And slightly singed." - Gordon (Perkin)

"I hate not acting for 4 rounds because I forgot that I was delaying." - John (Ud)

"When this is all over I'm gonna retire to Hommlet and open a brothel." - János (Vnadno)

"It is the Horn of Darkness. It has nothing to do with darkness." - Alan (DM)

"Is anyone buying anything in town?" - Alan (DM)
"I buy real estate. I want a tower or a fiefdom." - John (Ud)

"You mind if I spent a minute in whiny Chase mode?" - Jon (Dave)
"[Hayden Christensen] is the perfect Chase for the Gamer movie." - Jon (Dave)

"You met a crazy cultist who killed Jon. [softly]Yaaaay. Other Jon, not you. Killing you isn't so impressive anymore." - Alan (DM), summarising last session for John (Ud)

"Who was Franklin?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"Uriah's sorcerer." - Alan (DM)
"Oh good; I was worried that was one of my old characters I just didn't remember." - Gordon (Perkin)

"Indiana Jones does that in Return to the Temple of Doom." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Return to the?" - János (Vnadno)
"Are you just going to insert 'Return to the' before every occurrence of the word 'temple' from now on?" - Alan (DM)

*phone rings*
"That better be Gordon's dinner." - Adam (Corbin)
*picks up phone* "Are you Gordon's dinner?" - Jon (Dave)

"I keep thinking I'm Corbin, but I'm Perkin." - Gordon (Perkin)
"I'm perkin' too." - Adam (Corbin)

"Initiative. János?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"18." - János (Vnadno)
"What the hell did you do?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"He rolled a 20." - Adam (Corbin)

"You should make János take 3 points of math damage." - Jon (Dave)

"He has a huge magical long spear, which salamanders are issued at birth." - Alan (DM)
"What?" - Adam (Corbin)
"Well, it's in their stat block." - Alan (DM)

"What illuminates this place [the elemental node of fire]?" - John (Ud)
"FIRE." - Alan (DM)

"Initiative. János?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"10." - János (Vnadno)
"That's more like it. Good boy." - Jon (Dave)
"The 18 worried us." - Gordon (Perkin)

"You're hit by a rock." - Alan (DM)
"How big is the rock?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"Well, it's not a roc with a 'k'." - János (Vnadno)

*returning from bathroom* "What'd I miss?" - János (Vnadno)
"Perkin threw a coin at the curtain of fire and it responded with a 40 pound rock, then a fire giant jumped out and cleaved him in two with a great sword." - Alan (DM)

"Corby-poo?" Alan (DM)

"As a fire giant flies past you." - Alan (DM)
"Is he jumping or flapping?" - John (Ud)
"Oh, no, no, no, just jumping." - Alan (DM)
"Good." - John (Ud)

"He is so nearly dead, but he gets one last flailing orgy of death." - Alan (DM)

"Having suffered a casualty you instinctively withdraw?" - Alan (DM)
"Well, if there's any wusses we can fight on the way out, we do that." - Adam (Corbin)
"Okay, Gordon; you're dead. Everyone else; you're not." - Alan (DM)

"I throw Gordon's body at the door to check for traps." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Can you even throw me?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"I get some help." - Uriah (Shizor)

"So your comrade has fallen in battle. We'll fix that." - Alan (speaking as Aiax)
"Gordon, give me my comic book back!" - Jon (Dave)

"It is a one-letter transposition spell: phantasmal killed. It summons your worst fear dead, so it just lies there and gloats, because someone else got to kill it." - Alan (DM)

"That is a brass pot on legs with fire in it." - Alan (DM)
"That sounds like a trap." - Gordon (Perkin)
"I shoot it." - Uriah (Shizor)

"This is a glass throne filled with leaping flames." - Alan (DM)
"That's not our throne, is it." - Uriah (Shizor)
"Not yet!" - John (Ud)

"Is that a construct?" - Uriah (Shizor)
"No, that's Imix!" - Adam (Corbin)

"I'm hoping to break his kneecap, because I might be able to reach that." - Jon (Dave)

"One way or another, I think this is going down right now." - Alan (DM)

"Initiative?" - John (Ud)
"19." - János (Vnadno)
"Of all the combats this is the one for János to finally roll well." - Jon (Dave)
"He's rolled well... once or twice." - Uriah (Shizor)

*looking at Imix's stats* "Oh my god!" - Alan (DM)
"Can't you keep that stuff to yourself?" - Gordon (Perkin)
"Do any of you act on 35?" - Alan (DM)

"Can't we aid another in initiative?" *makes shooing motions with hands* "Go! Go!" - Uriah (Shizor)

"Imix's attacks are not as superhuman as I'd like them to be." - Alan (DM)
"I'm sorry, Alan, would you like us to cry for you?" - Gordon (Perkin)

"For you he switches to the sword." - Alan (DM)
"For you he switches to the 3 iron." - Adam (Corbin)

"You hit him 5 times, so you make 5 DC 26 reflex saves. God, that was satisfying to say." - Alan (DM)

"I'm going to exploit unclarified 3rd Edition rules." - Alan (DM)

"That's it. He falls." *tips Imix on his side* - Alan (DM)
"It's over?" - Jon (Dave)
"He's dead?" - János (Vnadno)
"We're done. 2 years and we're finally done." - Alan (DM)
"We just killed a god." - János (Vnadno)

"Let me get this straight. This is the second session in a row I've died and now we're done, which means I'M THE KING!. I've died the most!" - Gordon (Perkin)
 For the final encounter, Alan approached me about also helping him build the entire scene. He constructed the room out of foamboard, scoring the grid pattern on the floor in advance. We then painted it with rock-texture spray-paint, and I added details like brass braziers and runes on the wall. The adventure describes Imix's throne as made of glass with flames raging inside. To accomplish this tall order, I measured out a 2-D pattern that would fold together into a chair shape and cut it out of clear plastic. Flames were suggested by shreds of properly coloured tissue paper. Imix himself is an action figure of the Flash, with details painted in by me.
Throne room
Throne room
Throne room
Throne room
Throne room